HOCD or homosexual denial?

[Goonmeister]

Hi everyone, I've seen a lot of posts on this, but I'd just like to get a more direct opinion on this.

I was seeing a girl this summer and it was going great, I've always been awkward with girls and have only managed to be with two sexually in my lifetime. I've had my fair share of crushes though, there was this one girl that I was into for a year, but she just wasn't into me. It was actually heartbreaking looking back on it, but I was awkward and she was not so what can you do?

Moving on, while I was with this girl I noticed she had short hair while we were going at it. I made the relation to guys having short hair and I was like, "Why are you thinking about guys while you are with this girl?" She went to Paris at the beginning of the school year, plus we were different people that were only into it for the sex at the time. That's how the thoughts started though.

Afterwards I saw my father and my step-mom made a joke saying "are you sure you aren't gay?" to the fact that I've never had a long-term girlfriend. I always chalked it up to me being antisocial, but this got me thinking. Then I went through a few months of questioning and here I am.

I've tried masturbating to gay porn and it did nothing for me, but I considered that maybe I'm just really good at repressing things. I asked a gay friend how he knew he was gay and he told me that when he kissed a girl it did nothing for him, this sort of helped because whenever I kissed a girl it always felt great. However, after a few beers I was in a room with him and I considered the idea of kissing him to see if I enjoyed it or not. I decided that it wasn't the best idea because the thought of it didn't arouse me at all.

That's pretty much my story, sorry about the giant wall of text. The only issue I have with this site is that everyone who asks if they are in denial or have HOCD is told that they have HOCD. Surely someone out there must actually be gay right? I would think that if gay porn turned you on that would show signs of homosexual arousal, but honestly I'm no trained professional so I'm just spitballing. I just started seeing a consular on the reasonable chance this is just anxiety, but I'm wondering what any of your opinions are on this.

[OCDjenny]

I'm going through the same except I'm a girl and I'm questioning being a lesbian. I'm 21 so around your age I'm freaking out. My whole life I've never liked girls never wanted to be with them sexually or kiss them nothing. But recently I met a girl who wasn't girly but boyish like wouldn't even know it was a girl. I find myself kind of crushing on her and that's what made me rethink this HOCD thing. I really don't think I'm gay or bi because I'm ashamed of this and I keep repressing the thoughts. I'm not repulsed by thoughts of kissing her but I'm back and forth about certain sexual things but then like you I think maybe I'm just in denial and I wanna do stuff with her. A lot of my friends say its a girl crush which they've had and are completely straight but its still really bothering me. I don't wanna be gay or bi I wanna be with guys but I can't make this go away.

[JGF25]

Hi there....I left something out of my experience because they have been many but during my time of going from one irrational thought to the next I did have the thought "Am I a lesbian?"  At that point in time I was married.  It didn't last very long because like I said I was all over the flippin map with my thought processes.  I am definitely not a lesbian.  I honestly think that through therapy you will find that you are not gay not that there is anything wrong with being gay.  I just think you would know it and accept it and be happy with who you are.  

Incidentally a person with HOCD posted on here that they have actually gone as far as having sex with another man just to prove that they truly were not gay.  That is pretty extreme but as with any irrational thought, we are looking for closure and when it bothers us this much we will do pretty much anything to get rid of it.  That is what I chalk your "kiss" moment up to.  

Go to therapy, and I'm sure that they will be able to help you.  I think that the fight alone is telling.  If there were some truth to the thoughts, do you think you would be fighting them?  I believe you are fighting them because they go against who you are.  

[Goonmeister]

Hey thanks for the quick reply. I didn't mean to question what you were saying before it just seems to me that everyone that asks about HOCD has it.

First of all I'm 20 years old. What you said seems to be true for me, but for some reason I can't remove the thoughts from my head. I did want to kiss him, but I suppose that could be attributed to curiosity. Also the thought of doing anything sexual with a man is undesirable at best, but that seems like someone who thinks they were straight and is repressing something would say. Along with actually straight people I suppose. ("That's just what the clone would say!" haha)

Also I notice that I think about this more when I smoke marijuana, something that I've done for years. Perhaps this shows that it is just anxiety that is exacerbated by things I do? It's too bad that I've had to stop smoking though, it was always a good release at the end of the day. Now I just have to stew in my thoughts.

Also when I was much younger, like 7 years old, there was a boy that I slept in the same bed whenever we had sleep overs and such and we always held hands and didn't wear clothing. Although I know that things can't be sexual at that age, maybe it shows some sort of emotional attachment?

Those are the only experiences in my life that would lead me to believe I am gay however, there has been plenty of experiences that show that I'm attracted to girls as well. Even when I was 4 there was a girl in pre-school I would give flowers to be my girlfriend.

Thanks so much for the response it did help me. It bothers me that I have this idea at all, before the thoughts started I was perfectly happy to be who I was and never questioned it. But surely if these thoughts took such an intense hold on me there must be some truth to them, no?

[JGF25]

It is more than likely me who says it is HOCD.  Go back and ask your gay friend when exactly he started thinking he was gay.  I'm sure he isn't going to say when he was a teenager.  Sure he may have proved something to himself when he did kiss the girl and felt nothing but really, when did he start to suspect.  I'm thinking he is going to tell you much earlier then his "experiment."  I say the things I say because I honestly think it is not a conscious choice.  I think it all comes down to genetics.  Now remember, I am not a trained professional and I am just going with what I believe and I certainly cannot diagnose you because I'm not qualified to do so.  Also, may I ask how old you are?  

I merely try to point out the things that people with HOCD may be missing.  For instance, you tried the checking.  Okay...that's pretty normal as long as it doesn't become out of control.  You tried masturbating to gay porn...you didn't have an erection...that made you feel better.    However, as a woman if I'm watching straight porn, you would be hard pressed to find a movie without two girls together.  If I got aroused does that make me gay?  No....it doesn't.  The sex itself is the turn on..not the people doing it.  

In any event, what I'm seeing is a guy who has a bit of low self-esteem for whatever reason.  Maybe it is the girl who you were crazy about that didn't like you for whatever reason.  I believe you said you were awkward but I'm not sure what you mean by that other than perhaps being shy around girls.  

The irrational thought process really does kind of build up until one day it just comes into your head and just won't go away.  Your parents teasing statement probably would have washed right over you had it been said ealrier in your life rather than at that particular time in your life.  I'm pretty certain you didn't sleep with that girl just becuase she had short hair...sex is sex and well let's face it...it is a good time.  

As for your gay friend who you didn't kiss...that is because you are not gay.  Honestly if you were, you would have went for it without a second thought.  You said you are seeing a counselor...ask about self-esteem.  Since I don't know your age, it is kind of hard to give too much advice.  I will tell you that I liked this guy when I was younger of course (I'm old now...LOL) but I really, really liked him and he was just kind of not into me.  I spent my college years just hanging out with friends.  It was hard as I recall but you know what...that guy introduced me to his friend and I have been happily married to him for coming up on 23 years.  When I see the other guy's life, I realize how lucky I was that he wasn't into me.  Trust me, the right person comes along when you are not even looking.  

Take care and let us know how the appointments are going.