HOCD or not

[Meoff123]

I am a 19 year old male and am attending college and am suddenly having an onrush of gay thoughts that I can't get out of my head.

These thoughts started abrubtly, one night I was at a party and my friend who is gay was also there. I was DJ'ing and played some wierd girly music which I listen to pretty much just to goof off and my friend asked me "are you sure your not gay". They didn't start that night but the next day all I could think about was "what if I am gay, could I be gay, Im gay, I have to be gay, all the feelings and any emotions or sexual actions you have had with women in the past are all just coverups." Now anytime I do anything manly it says that Im just covering up that I am gay or when I happen to do something that in general people who are gay do it says "ahha you are gay". Things like music, tv shows, movies, hanging out with my friends, hitting on girls, going on dates with girls all that there is always the repeating thought in my mind like "Im gay I can't be attracted to this girl, you like this music because your gay, or your just doing this to cover up if you are gay. Im constantly worried that I will go out in public and be attracted to a man that for a period of like a month/ a month in a half I barely hung out with friends or found excuses not to go do things that I have always enjoyed to do. Im scared to get drunk because I worry that I will black out and wake up in bed next to a guy. I've never thought of women as just **** toys, I have always have wanted to have sex with girls but what determined if I would go after them or not was if they were cool and I could talk to them and was turned on by their personality.

I have never had any attraction to men and before this I was fine with myself, I never had anyone telling me as a child "you have to like women" or anything like that I just do. The funny thing is before my friend asked me that question, that night I had actually asked a girl out on a date and it felt good and natural. I was comftorable with my sexuality before this, if I was hanging out with my friends that are girls and once or twice they asked me if a guy was hot or not and if the guy was good looking I would simply speak my mind and say he was a good looking dude and not have any problem with that. I knew I didn't feel any sexual attraction to him and that my friends who are girls were probably just interested to get another opinion on it or something like that. I never felt the need on my own to look at a man and say wether or not he was attractive, now the thoughts rush around in my mind like "what if you do find him attractive" and throws up all theses hypothetical gay situations that I really have no interest in persuing or having. Now my brain over analizes everything, the way that I talk, laugh, walk, interact with other people. I have had to go over every experience in my life and analyze wether is was gay or not. Its torture. I have even been straight up in love with two girls before and its so frustrating now because the thought that crops up immediately after tells me that it was all a lie when in reality they were the happiest moments of my life. Or my brain tells me that they will never happen again so I might as well go gay.

I don't hate peopel who are gay, its actually quite the opposite I respect people who are gay for persuing what they really want and not caring what society has to say about it. I have a gay uncle and a couple gay friends and before I never even really identified them in my mind as gay I just saw them as people and really didn't care if they were gay because sexual orientation really has nothing to do with who the person is as an individual. Now I become so worried that I am gay around everyone gay and straight friends included that it has completely shut me down in some cases and I get depressed or angry when they get really bad because I can't shut off the thought process.

I have been obsessed with other things before, like there was a year in a half in highschool where if anyone to a sip out of my drink and there lips touched the rim I couldn't drink it because I was so worried that I would be drinking there backwash. That and other things I have been obsessed with over my life that really bother me.

I just want to be back to not even having these thoughts and actively pursuing women again not only for the physical attraction but also the strong emotional connection I get with them.

Sorry for the long post, but this is literally the only thing I have been able to think about for about 4 months now.

[speedracer99]

Thank you so much and the best of luck to you as well!

[JGF25]

Thank you for posting your story.  You have definitely lived through a lot in a very short time.  You are absolutely right, the more we fight these irrational thoughts the more they tend to hang around and drive us nuts.  I think you should hang around the forum, you have a lot of experience in which to share with other posters.  

And BTW, I have gone through the whole HOCD thing too and I was married at the time!  Sometimes I wish our brains woud just leave us alone!  

Anyway, thanks again for the uplifting story.  Even if the middle was absolutely heart wrenching, I'm glad the ending was good.  I'm so happy for you and best of luck with your new baby girl on the way and marry your girl...she sounds like a keeper!  

[speedracer99]

If this helps... I'm a 23 year old male. I'm having a daughter with my girlfriend in about 3 months for starters and this is my story. It all started at my home at age 17. I was doing nothing but the activities of a cliche american teenager... daydreaming while watching tv and going over past events in my life. ( Just to let you know I had been diagnosed with ocd at age 12, so naturally I already ruminate/think too much.) I got to a subject in mind that I was curious about. I thought to myself... why was it that all of my friends would go out and get laid at a constant and I was just content. To me I had never thought myself an ugly guy. I thought I was attractive and never had a problem socializing with women..but more questions kept arrising... Why was I more of an emotional person? Was it that I was too sensitive? Was it that I lacked a libido? Was it that I was just depressed. Then... it hit me... the dreaded thought...the thing that has put more strain and stress on my life than anything else. What if I was gay? I tossed this in my head for a minute and then it was like gravity gave way. It was like lightning was striking every orifice of my soul... I was in a full blown panic attack.... My immediate thought was I found the reason. I truly am gay that's why I'm feeling this way. At this point and time I had a panic attack at my house for nearly 2 hours straight. My world had turned upside down and the only thing to catch me was the devil himself... I felt hopeless, alone, worthless... I felt like everything good I'd ever felt or thought could happen in my life was now over with. I am now 23 years old and I can tell you, it has not been easy. It has not. But I will sum up what happened in between 17 and 23 for you, and I hope PRAY that it will give you all hope and an incentive to LET GO of your fears. They will lead you to hell.. After this "awareness" of possibly being gay without hesitation I called a friend up and told him that I needed to meet him. He of course came right over and I hesitantly told him that I thought I was gay. I'll never forget the words he spoke to me, and the true meaning of friendship and support that this person gave me. He said, "so what..." "You found out your sexuality, it's not the end of your life chief." I hugged him and sobbed like a baby. Surpirsingly not much changed after that... as a matter of fact you'd probably surprised to hear things moved in the opposite direction... well for awhile. I ended up developing a really bad anxiety problem but stayed strong. I had 2 years left of highschool and I was going to be damned if I did something dumb like drop out because of a little discomfort around people. So what if I was gay (or was I?) I would get use to it. I met a wonderful and beautiful 17 16 year old girl. This girl, I couldn't understand kept coming around, kept wanting to talk, kept wanting to come over and be with me. Of course I didn't tell her off... We would drive around town and grab food and listen to music. We would drink beers and talk untill 5 am, then pass out at my buddy's house. We've talk about anything and everything under the sun (and under the stars :)  ) She would come over and watch some of my favorite movies with (and cuddle with me..) umm.. ok this is the point you'd think I'd be getting freaked out, or a little offset. Actually it was quite the opposite... I felt in control. I felt like a man. I felt like I was cared for... I felt like I was falling in love? I'll never forget how nervous I was our first time we made love. Which was only 3 weeks later. I was shaky, couldn't think straight, but she put her hands into mine and I went with it. Just like you would on a rollercoast, or taking a test at school, or walking by someone and waving hello. IT WAS NATURAL! I couldn't believe it... it was like fireworks going off in my head and christ I was a commander of my own battalion and so fourth. You get the picture. What is not so peachy is what followed for 2 and 1/2 years. Tragedy. My ocd returned. It returned stronger than ever. I obssessed I was gay again and this time... this time I had something to lose... the love of my life. I had to do something about it and quick. I just couldn't hold it in any longer, I couldn't try to fight this on my own anymore. I told my parents and tried counseling. They told me what I should have listened to from the beginning. DONT FIGHT YOURSELF. Let it happen naturally they would say... the more you think and obssess over things the more you will question and create fears. But I couldn't understand. I couldn't. I was 17 and in love and I was scared... scared to lose the most powerful feeling in the world. Jesus help me... but I went downhill for 2 years. I questioned myself every other day. Some days being good, some being bad but the questions still tormented me. Then the drugs came. At first it was marijuana... then hell I'll have some friends over and do some cocaine with them... if it's only one time my girlfriend won't mind. She cried all night. Months later the fighting started. It started out as simple day to day bickerings. Then I couldn't keep a job. Then heroin came into play. By the time I had even knew what happened I was sentenced to jail for my 6th probation violation of wreckless behavior. I was 20 years old. My girlfriend sat through a glass at my jail cell and begged for me to get off drugs... she begged for me to be me again... she begged... to be loved. I remember getting out of jail... I remember running 4 miles home from the detention center and I ran through the door. She screamed out loud and we hugged and kissed for what seemed like an eternity. I told her I loved her and would never hurt her again. She started crying and laughing and said alright honey... alright. I relapsed on drugs 2 weeks later. My girlfriend left me. My ocd returned full force. Was I gay? Was I straight? I remember a week towards the end that I stayed up for nearly 5 days straight. I had gone on a binge of cocaine, heroin, and used xanex and vicodin to come down each morning. I remember staring up at my ceiling, naked on the floor. My heart was pounding through my chest. I had no more energy. No more desire. No more prayers for God to save me. No more. I knew at that moment I wanted to die. I knew at the moment I would die if I continued to live the way I was. I am now 23 years old. I have a wonderful 23 year old girl in my life right now. She is carrying my baby daughter and I couldn't be more pleased/happy. I am currently sober and have been for 2 years. I'm smoke free (after 10 years of smoking too!) I struggle everyday..... everyday with ocd. As of lately and the last 4 months it has been HOCD. Everyday seems like I'm ended near a good streak... IM NOT GAY.... or a bad streak... Maybe I am really gay....but guess what Its not me. It's a disease and I understand that now. The disease nearly took my life and it could nearly take yours if your not careful. The point is to be YOU. Stay true to you always. Guess what? You can't just stop the ocd, you can't always stop intrusive thoughts, and you can't always win your ocd battles. But I'll tell you what you can do... Accept it. Accept yourself no matter what. Ocd can be managed and help is always advised but in the end... it's up to you. Experience your world and don't hold back on feelings... embrace it. Sure it's going to be hard. Hell it might feel like the end of the world sometimes... uncomfortable or anxious or why's this or why's that... and that is ok... it's perfectly fine. At the end of the day you have nothing to prove, just a life to live. So live it. This world is here for you... Let go of your fears and live. There's a much bigger fear than what we could become... it what we won't become if we question it.

[ihatethiscrap]

that last post was to ThatGuy

[ihatethiscrap]

i dont know if i dont like gay porn tho.. i mean the thoughts keep telling me to give it a try and il like it but just the sound of "gay porn" just doesnt seem right to me you know? when you had hocd did you ever think maybe the reason i find it repelling is because you actually do like it but are just affraid to admit it to yourself? thats a question that is really hard for me to figure out. and visa versa w/girls tho. do i actually like girls? or am i just tricking myself by saying i do just because i dont want to accept being gay?. im so caught up in these thoughts idk whats real anymore. and when girls try and hook up with me im scared to hook up with them because what if i dont like it anymore? and what if i cant get it up again? ive always felt nervous and anxious when i was hooking up with a girl anyways.. that leads back to the hocd thoughts too.  and im startin to think my friends think im gay or something now.. cus ive turned down some pretty obvious oportunities to hook up because of all this

[ThatGuy1989]

Remember this- If you don't immediately accept the thought. Then it IS IN DEED A IRRATIONAL THOUGHT! So ****, Agree with it, Make it a joke... You know deep down in side your not... 75% of all people think about this once or twice in there life. Some really, and I mean really think about it... But I did a reading from a guy who has HOCD, and one thats Gay. The where basically saying if you never enjoyed looking at gay porn, or if you never looked at a guy in a sexual way and had fantasize about it... Its then a fear...- and thats where OCD & Anxiety come in... So agree with it, accept it, make it a joke, it will get dimmer and dimmer in your mind. To the point where it fades out completely so cheer up... An remember "TOMORROW IS ALWAYS A NEW DAY" If you wake up and still have the problem... Well you know the real answer... It will take its path...  An like I said above- IF YOU FIGHT IT. IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE THOUGHT. THEN WHAT DOES THAT MAKE IT? IRRATIONAL- So relax :) I know its hard at first but you will make it through it.

[ihatethiscrap]

hey whatsup im new to this forum thing, and i think im going through the same thing. i can relate to all the symptoms yal have been talking about of hocd, but i keep thinking maybe mine's different. i have a gay brother and all through childhood i could tell he was a little off before he came out and we never really got along that well but that still bothers me, could that put me at a higher risk of actually being gay? also ive had past problems with "stage fright" down there, if you know what i mean.. with just about every girl ive been with, and that just adds fuel to the fire. but its only when im actually with the girl. i can usually get up no problem watching porn n stuff. so im thinkin maybe thats just another problem all together. anyways.. before this crap started i never looked at another guy like that and had no intention of doing so. its really depressing me. do people worry like this that are just in denial? or does this sound like ocd?

ive always liked girls.. emotionally and physically.. but now im thinking what if i didnt all along? its absolutely killing me.

and also before the gay thoughts started i went about a year worrying about being crazy. like i actually convinced myself i was schizophrenic or somthing because one of my friends became that. but now i laugh at that thought..

and one more thing.. im about to be 21 and play soccer in college if that makes any difference or whatever.

[ThatGuy1989]

Hey man, Its me again, I'm about to head back to Afghanistan. The thoughts did hit me. But they aren't even close to as strong as what they used to be. I did something like Gracie said to do. But I made it a joke to myself. I literally came to the point I would laugh at myself I don't have that problem anymore. As some say it goes away, and comes back. Mine did come back... I had 2 epic breakdowns but I had my Wife there to hold me through it. I'm open about it and thats what I think made me finally break the chain about it... Treat your problem like a joke. If you have the thoughts laugh about it. It seems as if I picked up another fear of mine... In which I'm fighting off to. An thats me not being in love with my wife or having the slightest bit of interest in her. I know its not me thinking the irrational thoughts now though, so it will be a matter of time till I fight this off. Just keep reminding yourself its going to go away, and nothing last forever unless you want it to. I personally love my wife, shes my best friend and shes the one I tell everything too. So hang in there. I plan on talking to someone once I get back on base with in a week or so. So we will see how everything works out. I know I'm in a different boat due to me being in a combat zone but our problems are the same... OCD IS A *****. Remember that. :)

[Meoff123]

I really am trying to do the therapy gracie its difficult and makes me super depressed, did that happen to you? Now my brain has switched it up and says things like "I have always known I'm gay or deep down I know Im gay" which doesn't help any, also does alcohol magnify the effects of OCD because I'm not sure at this point and time I should be drinking?

[gracieboo27]

P.S. there was one thing i forgot to mention.  This method I was talking about up there ^ is called ERP, (Exposure, Response, Prevention).  It was showed to me by a lady who specializes in OCD.  Heres a link about it. :) hope it helps.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Purely_Obsessional_OCD

[gracieboo27]

Alright look Meoff123.  I am a girl and have NO attractions to other girls but my brain tells me I do.  The thoughts bugged me so much that i would always ask close people to me about it. They'd always say "No honey of course your not.  Remember that guy you dated; you liked him so much...." anyway the point is that did not help me one ounce.  Those people were reassuring me.  The key with OCD is to not fall for the obsessions.  They are merely a fear.  By arguing and fighting with the OCD and saying "no I'm not gay I had a boyfriend" just feeds the disease and makes it stronger.  When you argue with it you will find that you just run around in circles trying to convince yourself  that are not gay and then feeling like your just trying to hide it– it's a mess.  You just end up letting OCD control your life and what you do. DON'T LET IT.  It's like a dog chasing you down a street forever.  By arguing with it and trying to ignore it you are running from it and not solving the problem.  You need to face OCD and it will go away i promise! I HAD OCD AND STILL DO BUT I'M SO NORMAL AGAIN IT"S NOT EVEN FUNNY! :) You will be too.

Listen closely good Sir for the next part.  This is how you fix it. You will still here the fears about gayness but this time let the thought soak in your brain. Don't try to stop it by saying something to comfort yourself.  Just say "well maybe I am gay" don't fight it.  It can't fight you if it doesn't have anything to bug you with.  It's like getting into a pool.  At first you are cold and uncomfortable.  After a while though your body gets used to it and it feels okay.  You will get so used to the thought it will become boring. ;) The other thing that helps is exposing yourself to the idea.  This will sound really odd.  Let's say that you feel you should avoid listening to music because you fear it is part of your gayness. DOnt do that! Instead listen to your music forever and say "yup yup yup maybe I am sooo gay."  Let it soak.  Then lets say you freak every time you see a man on a magazine because it makes you feel afraid you could be attracted to them.  You probably would think that turning away as quick as possible solves the problem.  Nope.  That is still feeding the OCD.  Instead you would take that time to observe that man on the magazine.  Is it crazy? Yes. Does it work over time? Absolutely.  It is extremely uncomfortable to do.  I feel ya.  It was rough and your thoughts kill you for going against them but in the end it is completely and truly worth it.  OCD takes what is important to you sexuality, religion, sanity ect. and makes you fear bad things about it.  (that was worded terribly) For example, a gay man would fear that he is straight, a bisexual man would fear he likes only one gender, and a straight man would fear he is gay.  Whatever you do, don't listen to yourself.  DO the OPPOSITE.  It says don't hang out with dudes then you hang out with dudes.  It says don't look at shirtless guys, you go out and look at shirtless guys. If your OCD makes you think something like, "You are only going to the pool to see hot men" think "So maybe I am, so what." It is extremely hard to do.  Extremely.  It will be weird and it will take a while but it will work. Please try it.

God Bless,
I'll pray for all of you

[ThatGuy1989]

Starting to know what you guys are going through. I'm deployed and one day I just got hit with a 2x4 with "im gay" I know I'm not It's our subconcious thoughts thought... I'm about to get married in a couple weeks and am going to be going home really soon. I have a appoitment to talk to a chaplin... I still get off to pictures of my girl. I can't even imagine the thought of getting off to a guy. Thats just ****** up if you ask me. It could just be anxiety and it will pass. So I've been told. I'm on 5 days. An like you guys. I wake up wondering if the thoughts stopped but they didn't they start right back up and start... So my cure... Or what I'm believing deep down in side. Is getting back home and finally getting laid.. Sorry I'm so blunt with it.. But damn. Sounds like you two are just like me... I have gay friends, I don't have a problem with them.. But the thought of being actually gay is a fear... An that's when it because a OCD disorder, that needs to be broken... We could use this to talk if you guys want... I'm done for talking about it... The more you talk about it the less it feels awkward. I say its because I'm here in Afghanistan surrounded by gay dudes 24/7 its been 8 months... An its just time for me to get on home... Lets see what everyone else things...

[hocdvictim]

Does sound like HOCD to me. Everything you've said is pretty much a mirror image of me. There was my life before the thoughts, when everything felt fine without any problems. And then there's my life after the thoughts, when everything was nothing but endless questions and obsessive overthinking. There was a point when my love for women dropped to zero and I just wanted to die because I felt like my life has been a lie.

Much like you, I just want my life back before the thoughts took over. I'm also the kind of person who creates ruminating worries about anything that can last for weeks, months, or even more. If you're like that then you're probably prone to having OCD type symptoms. You want it all to stop and go back to your life but can't because your mind just won't shut up. I wake up with the thoughts and they last all f***ing day.

Remember that OCD is the liar and it torments you by trying to turn everything you ever knew and loved into something else while doing a great job of making it seem all too real. It keeps you in its grip by making you analyze everything about yourself and your past. That's just the nature of the beast. Just know that you aren't alone and many are suffering through the same problem. Hang in there.