HOCD struggles

[iwanttosleep632]

So I've been looking at the posts for HOCD recently because just a couple of weeks ago someone i knew tried to convince me that i was gay. He was a teacher at an old school and apparently he thinks the majority of the class he taught was homosexual, but this started this threshold of doubt in my sexuality and now I get extremely uncomfortable when i look at a guys face. It started i think the same night when the teacher tried to convince me of my sexuality when i pondered in my bed and thought to myself if i actually WAS gay, and then i couldn't sleep from the fear of being gay. Before this however, I never had the fear of beingg gay i'd look at ordinary dudes just the same and give a lot of attention to girls I find cute. I could find some guys handsome and charming, but the act of making out with them or having sex is repulsive and i find it disgusting; I just want it out of my head.

It's been a while (3 years) since i've had a girlfriend and a lot of the crushes i've had on girls in the past was mostly painful due to unrequited love. I mention this because i was reading the posts on this site in relation to HOCD and it mentioned that this could happen during a long absence of intimacy.

I was finally able to sleep the moment I googled "I am constantly worrying that i'm gay" just to find the first hit talking about this disorder, and found a great deal of relief from that. But the intrusive gay thoughts of a guy's face always disturb me if i find that man particularly handsome, and it grosses me out to think that. Before all this I could just say that a guy looked charming and that was it, but now I cringe at the thought of it and i'm assuming its possibly due to this HOCD.

The worst part is that i've been seeing a school counselor for two years now (ever since the start of my undergrad) with two different counselors. The second one seems to think that I have anxiety disorder, which i could agree on from past experiences (OCD with locked doors, not feeling full and forcing myself to eat before going to bed, anxeity and panic attacks, insomnia as well) and i've been able to distinguish that so seeing something like HOCD was what i thought to be something that i might be prone to having. But when i emailed my counselor for a session to talk about this and she mentioned that "ruminating about thoughts doesn't necessarily equal OCD". Now I feel more uncertain than ever and i seriously need help because its hard to sleep when i have to force myself not to think this.

Please can someone help me? I've had depression before too earlier this year and i don't want to go down that road again.

[iwanttosleep632]

well i wouldnt say that i was abused either mentally or physically, but I have had obsessions, like a current one where i think my life is like the truman show. Its pretty crazy, but i feel like everyone is in on my life, know my thinking and thoughts inside and out, like as if theyre being broadcasted to everyone. And this only occurs from situations where some coincidence happens where im talking to one of my best friends about it and the breakfast restaurant that we were in got suddenly quiet, like everyone heard and were afraid i was close to figuring it out. when i compare those thoughts to this, theyre incredibly similar. when i see a guy whom i envy for certain body type or facial structuring those thoughts get spurred on and then i think, what if im gay what if those thoughts didnt just turn on by some fear that there is something going on underneath the curtain. and the checking starts very subtlely and just get me very anxious for the rest of the day. Mind you this started after the fact when the teacher tried to convince me of my sexuality. before hand looking at guys was like looking at a wall, just disinteresting unless they had something that i didnt, like broad shoulders, height, bigger in general, and ive had some emasculating issues (performance anxeity) and deep inside i wish i could just grow those things and be more attractive, gain some confidence. But ever since ive compared this gay obsession with my truman show problem (which still persists) it makes it a lot clear how these thoughts arent mainly deep within my psyche. But i have extreme and unrelenting doubt in my life that ive felt ive struggled with with all aspects of it (like career, family, confidence, habits) and this makes me lead to believe that i might actually be gay and that this spontaneous turn of sexuality, despite it making any sense to how ive felt in the past, could just turn on after being pressured into being seen as a gay person. Btw, it seems my friends are thinking that im gay, with one friend telling me recently that this is a safe place to talk and be who you really are, which ***** with me even more cuz i dont think its the same situation.  

[JGF25]

What makes girls attracted to guys and vice versa? There is some gene in our DNA that makes our bodies produce the hormones necessary to feel excited about the opposite sex. Now say that gene became altered...it could then produce the hormones that made you attracted to the same sex. So there is definitely a genetic component to it. BUT I see where you are coming from and why people who are naturally attracted to the opposite sex would turn to the same sex due to abuse both physically and mentally.

[Jessicca1988]

First of all, I don't believe that it's anyone's right to make an assumption that someone's 'gay' or not. That's what happened to my brother and I believe that contributed to his suicide. He just didn't want a girlfriend because he had enough issues to deal with, simple. So if you want to live out the life-style choices of a homosexual, it is up to you. You can either choose to live that life-style, give into those emotions/thoughts, or not. There have been many times where I thought that I was a Lesbian, and looking back on my past I now realize that that was because I was called a boy in primary school by some stupid bitchy girls, I was picked on a lot also by boys, when I was nine I was sexually assaulted by a 13/14 year old girl, I didn't feel good enough to have a boyfriend, and I felt like I looked more like a boy than a girl, and don't you see where this 'feeling' of being a 'homosexual' comes from? It's from being abused at some point in my childhood, so I'm sorry to anyone who may feel offended at this but I believe that nobody is born a homosexual, it starts off from some kind of rotten childhood experience that makes you 'question' yourself, and it's a life-choice. Even though I may feel like a homosexual it doesn't mean that I have to 'come out' and declare that I am that when really it's just my mind and emotions playing games with me.

[JGF25]

It seems you take a step forward and then two steps back.  Cognitive behavioral therapy by a psychologist and possibly medication can help you.  

[iwanttosleep632]

that's true it is easier said than done, right now seems pretty difficult. The thoughts just keep on popping up and it keeps me suggesting that i might be gay. Then almost unconsciously I focus on the thought thinking there was a reason i thought it up? And then the thoughts are in the spotlight and almost suddenly i focus on those thoughts and see if i get a sexual reaction from it, to confirm my fears that i might be gay. And I feel extremely uncomfortable just thinking these things, and when i do i feel the urge to go look at porn and jerk-off to straight porn, and then suddenly i feel re-assured of my orientation like before i was told that im gay from the teacher. And I constantly have this fear that my friends think i'm gay, we used to have funny jokes related to sexual things for ***** and giggles and now that i feel uncomfortable about the gay topic i think they see that and now believe im in the closet.

[JGF25]

You are doing all the right things actually.  Don't give them any credit and they go away.  You take the fear out of them and therefore they don't bother you anymore.  I call it the "Whatever" attitude.  I think it and I say "Whatever" and I move on.  OCD is a chemical imbalance in our brains and so that is why we have to learn to live with it by doing what you are doing with the "whatever" attitude.  That is all part of cognitive behavioral therapy.  Just know that there are many medications out there that are very effective and so if there comes a time that you feel you can't manage it on your own, then there is an adjunct to the CBT that you can use.  

Don't worry...easier said than done.  I have had this disorder since I was a teenager and I'm now 49, married, have kids and a successful career.  I have had HOCD, POCD, you name it......and I have a pretty darn good life!  

[iwanttosleep632]

Also, because I haven't been officially diagnosed with OCD but my counselor told me I may have a bundle of Anxeity disorders, I just assumed this may be a part of it (and looking at it this way makes more sense than me suddenly being gay). But I also read that even if this passes, something else might come up that i fall into obsession with, and i'm worried that this torture in my head wont ever end. I've come to realize that you need to starve the obsession to end it, but not giving into compulsions and seeing the thoughts as they are, intrusive, simple and nothing to worry about, but i'm still afraid of becoming a hypochondriac, or worrying about molesting kids, and just the other day I had a very disturbing thought about my aunt that wouldn't go away and it still lingers, but i see it as nonsense, that is until someone might mention that i have a thing for my aunt.

[iwanttosleep632]

i was considering seeing a different counselor considering how that statement didn't seem to make sense now looking at it. But after reading i dunno how many posts on this same subject, as well as looking up other sites, i've think i have somewhat of a handle on this. Im now acknowledging how i can consider a guy handsome but how this ocd is forcing me to think that because of that theres a hint of homosexuality deep within me (which considering my past romantic/sexual experiences doesn't make sense) as well as seeing intrusive thoughts as intrusive, and not giving it any power from assuming these thoughts are something that is deep within my psyche, especially when it has suddenly come out of nowhere (and after the accusation). I am becoming more mindful, but its hard when the doubt turns on, and suddenly i feel like as if im suppressing some inner desire I never knew I had, and the confusion it brings. I am able to sleep better now, because of the help on this site and many others, but I still have doubt that If am doing it the right way. Its reassurance that I am looking for and I dunno if thats just feeding into this crazy ****.

[JGF25]

Well I'm no doctor but rather a fellow OCD sufferer but if you were having issues in the past regarding checking, anxiety and panic then this is likely just another issue stemming from the same disorder. Ruminating is a hallmark of Pure- O OCD which involve irrational thinking that you can't get to go away. Why don't you ask the counselor what she meant by that. I really think it was a stupid statement on her part. The bottom line is that if you are not attracted to men, can't see yourself in a relationship with a guy, then you cannot possibly be gay. IMO we are born gay or we are not. We don't wake up one day and boom we are gay. I would find a Counselor you feel comfortable with and ask him or her to teach you cognitive behavioral therapy so that you can deal with these thoughts.