Hey everyone. i know there has been a lot of people posting on here about HOCD but I just want to put my story out there to see what everyone thinks. Oh and I’m a 23 year old straight male who has been diagnosed with OCD. The OCD hasn’t really come back until a few months ago.
I’ve had quite a rough few months with me confidence. I broke up with a girlfriend of mine about 6 months ago and have been in a funk. It really got worse when I looked up the average size of a you know what and got freaked out when I saw that mine was a tad below average. I would measure and remeasure, and go on forums to make sure women would be ok with my size. Anyway, this has be going on and off for a few months now and it has been terrible for my self-esteem. This past Thursday was terrible because I was really thinking about my size and all of a sudden I thought,”It would just be better if I was gay since no girl would want me”. Immediately after thinking that I almost threw up and went on a quick downward spiral. I was trying to see if I would get turned on by thinking about gay sex. I masterbated once to test it out and I was getting these intrusive thoughts about gay sex when I was thinking about sex with my ex and the more I tried to resist it, the worse it got. I have spent most of the weekend in bed not wanting to leave my apartment. I even had a dream of gay sex with someone I know and this REALLY freaked me out. Yesterday I went out with some friends and I would always see myself looking at women first but then my eyes would wander to men and I would have intrusive thoughts like “what if I kissed him”. I was immediately disgusted thinking about that. Every time I think of gay sex or kissing a man I immediately feel nauseous (not trying to be offensive). I masterbated last night as a test and I forced myself to think about gay sex. I was barely aroused at the thought of it but when I thought of sex with a woman the arousal would go up exponentially. This morning and today, I have been thinking of the same things but do not get the same reactions. 90% of the time I get disgusted but some of the time I get no reaction to the thought of gay sex. I think I am just mentally exhausted so I am not reacting to it, but now that I am not reacting I think that I actually am gay or bi and I get so nervous. While I’m looking at guys more now I get no attraction but when I look at women I still get a strong sense of attraction. Today I have also been thinking, “I’m gay so who cares and I should accept it” and then freak out because if I’m thinking that I have to be gay. It’s a never ending cycle.
I have also been terrified to tell my roommate what I am going through because he really believes sexuality can change so I’m worried he will think I’m turning gay. The only person I’m not terrified of telling this to is my therapist. I’m even getting a panic attack just thinking about the possibility that I am gay.
I have a date with this girl I met online in a few weeks and I am terrified this will get in the way. I’ve always dreamed of having a wife and kids. I’ve also worried that since I seem to have a slight lisp in my voice that I am in fact gay and other people think I am gay. I am also not homophobic at all and have always messed with my guy roommate by trying to put my arm around him because I know he hates it. He does things on purpose too that he knows annoys me. I would never get too uncomfortable being in a locker room full of naked men and now I’m thinking I must be gay because of it. When I was looking Anyway, I do feel my sex drive is diminishing and it *****. I have to try to get excited about women. Everything that is happening is making me feel more and more that I’m gay. The more I fight it, the more tired I get and I almost have no will to defend myself from the thoughts. At this point I would prefer to live under a rock, because I don’t want to be around men because I’m afraid I will turn gay. I also have hardly eaten over the past few days.
I have always loved women and had fantasies of women. I KNOW I am straight but this nagging voice in my head is trying to reassure me that it is ok, you are gay and has me examining my past. If I’m not thinking about it (which is rare) I find that I look at guys and feel no different than I had before and I feel my eyes looking at women. This reassures me for a second but then the thoughts come back. Sorry for the long post but that is my story in a nutshell.
Do you all think I have HOCD? I’m straight right? Am I in denial that I’m gay?