Help suffering with Apathy now HOCD?!?! I think...

[Bronnie_x]

Posted this question in the Anxiety forum and got told to post it here..
Hello, I'm a 17 year old female for starters,
Okay so since I was younger I have had crushes on guys my whole life and loved a few guys but never girls.... However, about 7 months ago I split up with a past boyfriend that I believed I really loved until it all went pear-shaped and I started getting questions in my mind like "do you really love him?" that would torment me until I had to break up with him. However, this continued to occur every relationship i had afterwards which lead me to believe i had a bit of ROCD. Due to the fact i couldn't escape I became depressed and apathetic, and still am today, I cant feel any emotion anymore, no excitement, passion for anyone or happiness, just anger or occasional sadness. However, about 2 months ago I suddenly had this thought out of nowhere saying, "what if your a lesbian?" This really really distressed me to the point i cried everyday after college for about 5 days. The first day I had this thought I went to bed to try and block out the thoughts they were that bad. (I'm not homophobic and have nothing against gays) But i just couldn't be a lesbian and girls do NOT turn me on. It scares me the thought of being with one. Sometimes I get the occasional thought " its okay if your a lesbian" then i quickly think "No, what am I thinking no its not" Its just taken over my life when I see an pretty female my anxiety goes wild and i tell myself "I can tell shes pretty, but that doesn't mean I'm attracted to her don't be silly" but I see guys and I'm attracted but I don't feel like i want to be with them anymore which scares me!?!?!? I imagine myself being intimate with girls and I get scared and disgusted then with guys and it feels right. However, these thoughts have seemed to calm down now which makes me worried as I think i have agreed with the thoughts now, will this ever stop its driving me mad! And do you recon I have HOCD or I'm just a closeted gay?! Has anyone had the same thing, and has anyone got over this?!

[Bronnie_x]

Thankyou so much, it's just it seems real! I have had a very strong history of OCD, was severe when I was only 10 years old till about 14 about handwashing and germs etc, but i guess that felt real too. That I had germs on my hands, I truely believed it. It's just vicious how it tricks you, but I guess if it didnt feel real then the OCD wouldn't be there aha.

[JGF25]

Oops...spelled your name wrong.  sorry.

[JGF25]

Hi there.  You have only to look on the forum to see that the majority of the posts are regarding HOCD and the majority of the people are around your age give or take a year or two.  

If being with another woman is not something that you feel you would like, then you cannot possibly be gay.  Stress plays a bit part in OCD and anxiety in general in that we tend to have spikes when stress is high.  The breakup could have done this to you.  

The thing about "accepting" the thought...that is actually what you are supposed to do because if you said to yourself "Okay, whatever, I'm gay" do you think you want to run out and be with another woman?  No, what are really doing is taking the fear out of the thought.  It is an irrational fear and there is no basis in fact so therefore it cannot be true.  

People get over HOCD and lots of other OCD related thinking with the help of a psychologist.  See if there is someone you can see on campus...a counselor perhaps.  If not, then seek out the help of a psychologist so that you can learn how to help yourself get over this thought.  It can be done, it has been done, and therefore you can do it as well.  

[melmel4ever]

Just relax, it's just the HOCD. You are not, so do not worry. I hope you get better. I've been through that and I went to therapy and it help so much talking about it and also the meds that I'm taking for my OCD.