Help to overcome my guilt, shame of sexual thoughts.

[rajeshbaby]

Now, i am 25 years of old. I had suffered from the age of 12 Because of all the symptoms of ocd but they were not sexual.

I'm so sentimental to brother sister relation. I respected my school friends, college friends and neighbour sisters as my own elder sister. I even had written a book on brother sister relation which is unpublished. I even considered this relation equallent to god. I felt so pure in the brother sister sentiments. I could even say this remained as my motivation for the past 7 years.Always I had a divine respect for this relation.

But before 5 months OCD problems started even with the sexual issues. When i called my sister she had not lifted the phone, so even without thinking of the meaning of word there was an internal talk within myself saying foolish ****. In a flash i realized the meaning of the word that i had thought as a most rubbish  word with respect to my sister. I wept for more number of times thinking that my mind has scolded my sister in rubbish way. To get forgiveness from her, i even got blessing from her by bowing to her feet with respect. even then my guilt consiousness had not left.

After that my ocd problem had shifted to sexual aspects in terms of sexual intrusive thoughts. My mind will say involuntarily you can not be as brother to classmates, neighbours. this divine respect for them is fake, you will act in a rubbish manner. Some scenes started running like as if i will have sex with all of them. An internal involuntary talk saying like **** of them. I could say this could be the bitterest experience in my life that i ever had.

I was not able to involve in my studies. most of the time i was covered with guilt and shame.
Sometimes my mind asks questions involuntarily whether you would think you will have such thoughts about your own mother as a justifying question. and there will be scenes running involuntary as if i'm acting to incest and an involuntary internal talk like you r an incest.  To repel such thoughts and scenes running i had not performed my rituals immediately by asking forgiveness for the thoughts from the god. so i felt ashamed For more than 4 days i had not done any work I felt high fever  phsically. I lost all the hope in living the life. I felt
i am the biggest cruel beast for myself. I even had an idea of attempting succide.

I became angry to myself and for all the divine thoughts that i had for this brother sister sentiment. I thought this over sentiment for this brother sister relation let me feel incest thoughts. For sole purpose to show my anger towerds myself and to my brotherly sentiments and not for pleasure, i assumed as if i had sex with her.
After that situation has got worst, my guilt, shame has become severe. I could say i would had cried for all those
involuntary and the last vouluntary thought that i had with anger for more than 100 times. I had lost one year of my accademic college year by not writing the term end exam for this accademic year because of guilt and shame.

I had made an intensive research in all the possible ways in this two month. Finally from all my symptoms I came to a conclusion, I may have OCD. This OCD consumed most of the valuable time of my life and also my efficiency.
Now I should concentrate on, I should stop this OCD for my better living. Even now I am thinking just by categorizing these intrusive thoughts as OCD, I am trying to justify my sin in presence of jesus. Even for this I feel guilt.

Hope You understood my problem. Kindly make me know what I should do to get rid of my life long problem. Your suggestion would be more valuable for me to make my life meaningful.

[nate6064]

Bro, I am going through the samething. I have good and bad days with it. Some days I feel like I am loosing my mind. I really don't want to take any meds because I know Jesus can heal me or anyone from this.

[newcreation0813]

Hey, you are not alone I know exactly how you feel. I go through the guilt and shame like every hour of my life. I myself have very high respect and love for the women in my family. It's without a doubt I will give my life for her. It's never been like this, but just out of the blue i started gettin all these horrible, nasty and sexual thoughts about my mother. I feel like the worst human being ever created in this whole world when those thoughts come into mind.
I've come to realize that these thoughts were taking control of my life. It has created more distance toward my mother, angry, wanting to get away from her as much as I can. Let me tell you this and take it to heart please... YOU ARE NOT WHAT YOUR OCD THOUGHTS ARE TELLING YOU OR MAKING YOU FEEL! as a matter of fact you are the COMPLETE OPPOSITE. DO NOT GIVE THESE THOUGHTS POWER!!  They will upset you, cover your God-given life with guilt and shame. Ask yourself, if you really were attracted to your sister in that type of manner, would you be pulling your hair out every minute of your life??? NO!
Do some soul searching within yourself, you will come to a deep conclusion that you are who you were back then and that is a loving guy for his family. Trust me, I myself went through the worst feelings and images myself, but through the power of Jesus Christ I have broken free. My friend it seems like you are very kind hearted and have strong values for your family. That is the only reason why you struggle with these thoughts and feelings. These OCD thoughts ATTACK your most LOVED and DEAREST people in your life. You WILL break out of those inner chains, by the power of Jesus Christ. Remember, He is God, all power on heaven and earth belong to Him. He understands your pain and frustration. Jesus Christ, Himself KNOWS you more than you know yourself friend. You are NOT what these OCD thoughts are sayin you are! LIVE YOUR GOD-GIVEN LIFE FREELY FOR HIS GLORY AND DO NOT FALL INTO THE HANDS OF THESE OCD THOUGHTS AND THE DEVIL'S FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME. Just remember always, the Lord Jesus Christ is above ANY thought, feeling or whatever demonic things that are goin in your head that DOES NOT belong to you. Do not be afraid, stand firm on the Rock and be free friend.