Hocd and feelings that come up

[Drummer1234]

Hi,for the last six years Im dealing with unwanted thoughts I got all the symptoms of HOCD Im in a therapy about it but it still getting worst and worst I got the felling that everyone that is dealing with hocd got it in a other way so that my brain said „these guys have hocd and you are in denial“. I have no idea what to do and im on the end of my power. I will tell you my story an maybe one of you have something to say about it because I have no idea if this all normal for hocd or not so here is my story.When I was a kid I never had crushes on boys I always wanted to be with a girl, but on the age of 4 or 5 I had a friend an on one day we met and we kissed and watched at each others body and all the stuff but this i also do with a girl in this age. So life goes on and the teenage years come an I wanted a girlfriend very hard, so hard that i said every day to another girl that i loved her and all this but when I now think over this time I remember never really feel something it was only the wish to have a girlfriend. In my teenage years I also started masturbating and that a lot I watched porn and was very easy to get aroused for example if a girl was sitting on my lap I get an erection. What I also experience in this time was that after masturbating I feel a shame an I dont want to do this anymore but a few minutes later it totally change and on one point the normal masturbation wasnt enough so I try out a..l things and masturbated to them. After that also feel a big shame but the next day it started again when I was doing it I always watched porn with woman but only woman I find out very early that porn with man are not in my interrest so I mostly watched porn where woman are masturbating but when the anal thing starts I get to the point where I was justifing it with the thought „ok you do it because it could happen that you will be gay one day and then you have to know how it feels“, but also on this point there was no attraction to guys. In the age of 14 or 15 I had a friend and when we met we got a game i would said and in this we said „do you want to f...“ and then we made the moves of having s.. but without having it so clothes on and all that but when we do it I got the feeling of „ok lets do it real it dosent mean anything that this is a boy it is only s..“, so this also didnt make me feel i wanted to be with a man but then when I was 17 it kicks in I was masturbating to a picture of a girl and then I feel nothing and the thought came in „maybe you feel nothing because you are gay“ and this was the moment when it starts to bring everything up from the past. I started checking, getting a high fear of meeting friends, I getting panicattacks, every guy I see was yoused to check if something move in my pants, The first time I had s.. was in this time and after I had s.. I feel very awful and I got the thoght in my head that i dont want to do it anymore because I got the saftey that i dont be gay because i hat s.. but 5 min later i want the s.. again, then it infiltrated my dreams so i thought but my wet dreams are only with girls and after that I got wet dreams with boys, an now I am at the point where I get errections sometimes when i watched gay porns or thinking about it and I have masturbated on it and I was on a point where i said „ok you are gay life with it“ but one day later all the thoughts dissapeard and I felt nothing about it only about woman but it dont hold very long so the thoughts came back and they are now more powerful then ever.Im on a point now where I sometimes feel something when I think about girls but not very intense or so but Im on a point and when im thinking about something with guys it feel sometimes that I want it and all that stuff and that I want to have s.. with a guy and all that so thats right now.Please forgive me the long text but I need to tell the hole story so maybe some of you know something about maybe not but thank you no matter what.

[Paxiled]

You're making yourself sick over this, and that's an anxiety problem and an insecurity problem.  Therapy might help with that.  Nobody but you can know if you're gay or bi or straight.  Time will tell you this, because at some point you'll have sex with someone because you actually just really like the person, not to just have an orgasm.  That's when you'll know.  Right now it's all going on in your head, not in real life.  I'd suggest therapy so you can work out why you're so insecure about this stuff.