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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Community
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Avatar universal

Hocd fear denial vs hocd? Latent homosexuality? Or mind games?

Hey all,

About 2 weeks ago I got hit hard with this "hocd". In a previous post, I've mentioned that I was involved in a traumatic relationship that obviously greatly affected me afterwards to a point that I couldn't be intimate with another person for a long time. In that loneliness and solitude, hocd just popped up. It's Not something I would enjoy. I don't get butterflies thinking about men. It's rather unnatural for me as a person.

I can't find myself to be with one man I can't imagine trying to pursue any sort of relationship with numerous. I just can't I don't want it.  I can however say when a man is good looking, I would acknowledge it but nothing else.

My hocd has now plays with my mind to a point that I thought "oh I'd love to perform oral on a man" or "how would it be to do that? How would it be to have a man in bed to cuddle? I can't.  I don't have words for that because I've never thought about that. Whenever these intrusive thoughts enter me, I fight them, I say NO NO NO. And I think about women and my past experiences and I love it. I cherish those moments with women. My mind says, but wait, you thought about this, you like it. You're in denial!

The main point is, questioning something so basic to us, is frightening. And having that doubt itself because of OCD plays with us. Even if you know I am ____ (whatever orientation you are most comfortable with) , having those doubtful thoughts scare me because what if I am what my brain tells me? What if I'm really gay? How many stories do you see oh tv in which straight men just came out. I don't want that I don't welcome that life style as a lifestyle choice for me.  Does anyone have any advice? Opinions? Insights?


Btw, I've been diagnosed with OCD and believe me when I say I've had OCD about the most radical to the most ridiculous things. Tumors, cancers, hemorrhaging, death, impending doom etc.
2 Responses
Avatar universal
If I may add, during this hocd onset, I woke up with my mind set on that I am gay. It obviously made me profoundly sad. I don't want it. I see the irrationality behind it. Ever time I see a man now, my mind spikes and says "he's cute, you like him, you're gay, you're checking him out, you like men now" I can't deal with this anymore. It's just not me to do this. I don't like this feeling, I prefer women over men 1000 fold.
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
Just out of curiosity...why did you post again?
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