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Hocd? gay in denial?help please
i'm a 15 year old male strugling with hocd so at least i think it is hocd here is my story
At 7 years old me and my best friend were in his basement and he wanted to kiss at first i said no but he told me that his parents did it and it would be ok so we kissed and i didnt like it.2 yearls later we were hanging out in my room and he wanted for us to touch each others junk so we did and i sort of liked it.I don't know why but i think it is because i was curious and was never touched down there before,i did not get an eruction,but i did have crushes on women and never a crush on a man.a few months later me and my other friend touched each others butts but i was caught and my mom never told me to ever do it again so i never did.
NOTE- I had no idea what homosexuality was until I was 11.
At age 12 I was getting called gay by a group of kids since i never had kissed a girl yet and they eventully caused me to tell myself i was gay. I tried to fantasize about men but never got an eruction,but when i thought about women i would get an instant eruction.
At 14 I met and started to date a girl i really liked her but we broke up and 8 months later i started to tell myself that i was gay,i never had wanted to date another man or anything but i started to dig up all of the things i did when i was 7-9 years old.
My 15 birtday took place in middle of dating my ex girlfriend,but anyway earlier this year i was talking to my best friend who is a guy and i sort of felt attracted to him not sexually but the same way i did when i really like a girl. I then quistiond myself if i was gay or not,i still have no idea why i felt that way but when i think about being with him or any other man i want to throw up.I then started to watch porn ( I Discovered porn at age of 12) yes it was all straight and girl on girl porn and still is, i always get hard off of straight and lesbian porn. i tried to watch gay porn but didnt like it and it didnt get me hard at all.
Notes:The feelings i had for my best friend only happened once i'm not sure if it was ocd trying to trick me if my feelings got mixed up or if it was my testoteron level acting up i only had those feeling for him for at least a few hours and then thought why the f*** did i ever feel like that towards him
I have always had crushes on women and still do have crushes on them
I never had a crush on a man except for that one incident which i explained above
I'm never aroused/excited by other men
I'm excited/aroused by women
when i think about being with another man want to barf.
i'm with a therapist right now and she thinks its ocd as well but need a bit more so please respond telling me what you think/know what it is.
Am I Bisexual?Am I Gay?Do I Have OCD
At 7 years old me and my best friend were in his basement and he wanted to kiss at first i said no but he told me that his parents did it and it would be ok so we kissed and i didnt like it.2 yearls later we were hanging out in my room and he wanted for us to touch each others junk so we did and i sort of liked it.I don't know why but i think it is because i was curious and was never touched down there before,i did not get an eruction,but i did have crushes on women and never a crush on a man.a few months later me and my other friend touched each others butts but i was caught and my mom never told me to ever do it again so i never did.
NOTE- I had no idea what homosexuality was until I was 11.
At age 12 I was getting called gay by a group of kids since i never had kissed a girl yet and they eventully caused me to tell myself i was gay. I tried to fantasize about men but never got an eruction,but when i thought about women i would get an instant eruction.
At 14 I met and started to date a girl i really liked her but we broke up and 8 months later i started to tell myself that i was gay,i never had wanted to date another man or anything but i started to dig up all of the things i did when i was 7-9 years old.
My 15 birtday took place in middle of dating my ex girlfriend,but anyway earlier this year i was talking to my best friend who is a guy and i sort of felt attracted to him not sexually but the same way i did when i really like a girl. I then quistiond myself if i was gay or not,i still have no idea why i felt that way but when i think about being with him or any other man i want to throw up.I then started to watch porn ( I Discovered porn at age of 12) yes it was all straight and girl on girl porn and still is, i always get hard off of straight and lesbian porn. i tried to watch gay porn but didnt like it and it didnt get me hard at all.
Notes:The feelings i had for my best friend only happened once i'm not sure if it was ocd trying to trick me if my feelings got mixed up or if it was my testoteron level acting up i only had those feeling for him for at least a few hours and then thought why the f*** did i ever feel like that towards him
I have always had crushes on women and still do have crushes on them
I never had a crush on a man except for that one incident which i explained above
I'm never aroused/excited by other men
I'm excited/aroused by women
when i think about being with another man want to barf.
i'm with a therapist right now and she thinks its ocd as well but need a bit more so please respond telling me what you think/know what it is.
Am I Bisexual?Am I Gay?Do I Have OCD
Hi! I've read your story and i'll tell you mine and my experiences with HOCD...maybe it can somehow help.
I remember the thing that triggered my HOCD. I was 19 and i was at a hardcore show; i was in the pit and i remember watching the lead guitarist and thinking "boy, he's good looking". I struggled with it for about one month. I told my mom and she took me to a psychologist who diagnosed me with ocd. He told me i could take some pills to help me overcome the axiety but i insisted on traying to get over it myself. I started to give logical responses to my anxiety, thinking stuff like "i've NEVER liked men", "i've never even been interested or curious about watching gay porn or anything" and so on. After that time in which i my life just SUCKED (i didn't feel like eating, sleeping, it was horrible. i'd go to bed and wake up crying almost every night) i thought about it every day and tried to give it logical responses according to my personality. Finally, after 1 month, it went away! It has been 3 years since then and i have to say the HOCD didn't hit for that whole time, until now.
I want to make a stop here and say YOU CAN DO IT. You CAN get over it, for at least some time. I did it for 3 years! HOCD didn't hit me for those 3 years, but now that i think about it, my general ocd was there. I did get anxious for a whole month thinking that my girlfriend was bisexual because she made out with a couple of her (girl)friends during college, just as in a joke. She told my and ASSURED me that she only liked boys. She had never wanted to have sex with a girl or anything like that. Even tho she told me those things, i spent more than 3 months thinking about it and asking me the "what if" and trying to find any small detail that would make me think that maybe she was interested in girls.
Anyway, i asked her, i think, like 3 times and she would always tell me "no, i'm not interested in girls! i've never been and i don't feel like i want to!". Those answers would become my weapons to fight THAT anxiety. Everytime i'd start thinkging about it, i would remember that the MOST POWERFUL SOURCE (my girlfriend, because it was because of her that i would have those anxiety attacks) had given me plenty of sincere answers. There was nothing to question aobut it. I had the honest answer coming from the person that triggerd my anxiety at the time.
Well, coming back to the main idea...HOCD came back after three years. I saw this guy at a place i started to work and i thought "boy, he is handsome". He had beard (something i don't have and don't think i'll ever have. oh! and that lead guitarrist, he also had beard so maybe i think i can start relating part of my HCOD) and i guess he just looked cool, relaxed, as in someone who is in control of his life. It freaked me the **** out. Ok, that was the first explanation...he is someone i'd like to be like, you know? I don't really have a fit body; i have a belly and tend to get fat on the sides; don't have a beard, will never have one and everytime i've tried to work out, i'v only lost weight, never gained in muscle...so...maybe that was the thing. THEN another explanation hit me.
My girfriend (we have a 2 years relationship now) was in an exchange study program, so she went to another country for 5 months.
At the same time i started working, my 2nd semester in college started, so i'd work from 8 to 6 and study from 7 untill 10. I'd get home at 10:30 and fall asleep at 11:30, AT MAX, becuase if not, i wouldn't get up the next day.
My HOCD came back exactly one month after i started to work, study, and my gf had leave. All of this happened and surpries! Three years later, my HOCD comes back. I thought and still think (it's been 2 months) it's stress.
Now, i'm so sure that i LOVE woman, that my HOCD attacked me from the "maybe you're bisexual" side. I just want to get something cleared out...
I don't have a problem with gay people.
I don't think they're less and i don't think they are more.
I don't think being gay is wrong, not at all.
I have gay friends and i have absolutely no problem on hugging them, showing them that i care about them, etc. and that's because i'm like that with all of my friends.
Ok, so now that we have that clear, this time with my HOCD, i started to think "ok, what if i am bisexual? at least i like girls i'll just try to act like if i were to see if it calms down my anxiety". I was so tired of my anxiety that i started to think that way, being completely calm about it and trying to embrace it, BUT... every time something triggered the HOCD i would just freak out! It'd scare me the **** out of me! And many times i've tested myself, being completely calm. I'd think about me and maybe that guy at work having sex, or doing things gay couples would do. I embraced the idea so anxiety wouldn't prevent me from getting a boner. (i was that desperate, yes), but i'd never get one! I sometimes still think about it and nothing! I can really get into the story for almost 2 minutes and nothing. Now...when i think about me and my girlfriend or some other (girl)friend i'd totally have sex with, i get aroused in LESS than 30 seconds! I've tested myself more than 10 times already and the reaction is always the same.
I saw gay porn once and i looked at it feeling uncomfortable. I have to admit, i had never looked at gay porn, so there was this curiosity like when you see a dead bird? And you don't like what you see but, since it's something you never get to see, it just catches your attention. At one time, during the clip, one of them did something that i really felt uncomfortable watching i said to myself "god, i can't look at this" and closed the tab. That was a completely natural response. And by the way, i didn't get a boner watching it. What i HAVE read, is that every time you have a "sexual thought" of any kind, it is normal to have a tingling sensation down there. I've read it a million times and i've tested myself with ANY type of sexual thought, so just relax about that if it has ever happened to you or if you are having a bad time trying to figure that out.
I forgot what i was talking about at first. Anyways, if you're still having problems with it, just take my word for it: you CAN get over it by yourself. And if it comes back, just remember that you did it once! So you can easily do it again :)!
Hope this helps!
Take care, man!
I remember the thing that triggered my HOCD. I was 19 and i was at a hardcore show; i was in the pit and i remember watching the lead guitarist and thinking "boy, he's good looking". I struggled with it for about one month. I told my mom and she took me to a psychologist who diagnosed me with ocd. He told me i could take some pills to help me overcome the axiety but i insisted on traying to get over it myself. I started to give logical responses to my anxiety, thinking stuff like "i've NEVER liked men", "i've never even been interested or curious about watching gay porn or anything" and so on. After that time in which i my life just SUCKED (i didn't feel like eating, sleeping, it was horrible. i'd go to bed and wake up crying almost every night) i thought about it every day and tried to give it logical responses according to my personality. Finally, after 1 month, it went away! It has been 3 years since then and i have to say the HOCD didn't hit for that whole time, until now.
I want to make a stop here and say YOU CAN DO IT. You CAN get over it, for at least some time. I did it for 3 years! HOCD didn't hit me for those 3 years, but now that i think about it, my general ocd was there. I did get anxious for a whole month thinking that my girlfriend was bisexual because she made out with a couple of her (girl)friends during college, just as in a joke. She told my and ASSURED me that she only liked boys. She had never wanted to have sex with a girl or anything like that. Even tho she told me those things, i spent more than 3 months thinking about it and asking me the "what if" and trying to find any small detail that would make me think that maybe she was interested in girls.
Anyway, i asked her, i think, like 3 times and she would always tell me "no, i'm not interested in girls! i've never been and i don't feel like i want to!". Those answers would become my weapons to fight THAT anxiety. Everytime i'd start thinkging about it, i would remember that the MOST POWERFUL SOURCE (my girlfriend, because it was because of her that i would have those anxiety attacks) had given me plenty of sincere answers. There was nothing to question aobut it. I had the honest answer coming from the person that triggerd my anxiety at the time.
Well, coming back to the main idea...HOCD came back after three years. I saw this guy at a place i started to work and i thought "boy, he is handsome". He had beard (something i don't have and don't think i'll ever have. oh! and that lead guitarrist, he also had beard so maybe i think i can start relating part of my HCOD) and i guess he just looked cool, relaxed, as in someone who is in control of his life. It freaked me the **** out. Ok, that was the first explanation...he is someone i'd like to be like, you know? I don't really have a fit body; i have a belly and tend to get fat on the sides; don't have a beard, will never have one and everytime i've tried to work out, i'v only lost weight, never gained in muscle...so...maybe that was the thing. THEN another explanation hit me.
My girfriend (we have a 2 years relationship now) was in an exchange study program, so she went to another country for 5 months.
At the same time i started working, my 2nd semester in college started, so i'd work from 8 to 6 and study from 7 untill 10. I'd get home at 10:30 and fall asleep at 11:30, AT MAX, becuase if not, i wouldn't get up the next day.
My HOCD came back exactly one month after i started to work, study, and my gf had leave. All of this happened and surpries! Three years later, my HOCD comes back. I thought and still think (it's been 2 months) it's stress.
Now, i'm so sure that i LOVE woman, that my HOCD attacked me from the "maybe you're bisexual" side. I just want to get something cleared out...
I don't have a problem with gay people.
I don't think they're less and i don't think they are more.
I don't think being gay is wrong, not at all.
I have gay friends and i have absolutely no problem on hugging them, showing them that i care about them, etc. and that's because i'm like that with all of my friends.
Ok, so now that we have that clear, this time with my HOCD, i started to think "ok, what if i am bisexual? at least i like girls i'll just try to act like if i were to see if it calms down my anxiety". I was so tired of my anxiety that i started to think that way, being completely calm about it and trying to embrace it, BUT... every time something triggered the HOCD i would just freak out! It'd scare me the **** out of me! And many times i've tested myself, being completely calm. I'd think about me and maybe that guy at work having sex, or doing things gay couples would do. I embraced the idea so anxiety wouldn't prevent me from getting a boner. (i was that desperate, yes), but i'd never get one! I sometimes still think about it and nothing! I can really get into the story for almost 2 minutes and nothing. Now...when i think about me and my girlfriend or some other (girl)friend i'd totally have sex with, i get aroused in LESS than 30 seconds! I've tested myself more than 10 times already and the reaction is always the same.
I saw gay porn once and i looked at it feeling uncomfortable. I have to admit, i had never looked at gay porn, so there was this curiosity like when you see a dead bird? And you don't like what you see but, since it's something you never get to see, it just catches your attention. At one time, during the clip, one of them did something that i really felt uncomfortable watching i said to myself "god, i can't look at this" and closed the tab. That was a completely natural response. And by the way, i didn't get a boner watching it. What i HAVE read, is that every time you have a "sexual thought" of any kind, it is normal to have a tingling sensation down there. I've read it a million times and i've tested myself with ANY type of sexual thought, so just relax about that if it has ever happened to you or if you are having a bad time trying to figure that out.
I forgot what i was talking about at first. Anyways, if you're still having problems with it, just take my word for it: you CAN get over it by yourself. And if it comes back, just remember that you did it once! So you can easily do it again :)!
Hope this helps!
Take care, man!
forgot to metion these things
-when other men touch my butt just fooling around i get freaked out.
-i did more reserch on why i felt that way with my best friend and i saw some people say that it is natural because you feel close to that person and can tell them anything like in said before i want to throw up whenever i think about it.
-i do have repeating actions when i get these thoughts .
-i do like women and want to marry one.
-i don't want to be in a relationship with a man.
-i've told my dad and he thinks its ocd just as well
-my therapist thinks i have ocd
-when other men touch my butt just fooling around i get freaked out.
-i did more reserch on why i felt that way with my best friend and i saw some people say that it is natural because you feel close to that person and can tell them anything like in said before i want to throw up whenever i think about it.
-i do have repeating actions when i get these thoughts .
-i do like women and want to marry one.
-i don't want to be in a relationship with a man.
-i've told my dad and he thinks its ocd just as well
-my therapist thinks i have ocd
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