Have you spoken with a professional about this? You seem incredibly confused and maybe it will help get things clearer in your head.
It's is not uncommon to be confused about sexuality, I am not saying it is not Hocd but perhaps talking it though will help.
Let me know how you get on.
thank you for the response and, yes i have spoken to a psychiatrist and he said that i am indeed not gay the whole thing freaks me out to the point i dont want to leave my house
Did he suggests some meds and a course of therapy?
I have been off and on anti depressants but i cant afford the doctor because he does nor qualify for my insurance. He tried to put it in perspective for me like if i mastubated to a animal does that mean i want to be with one ? while on the med i understood more that its just in my head but once i got off it came back and fast and certain things can trigger it. like the other day my friend was with a gay guy and i thought i was going to pass out beucase my anxiety was so high.
Hi there.....It certainly sounds as if you have multiple triggers in your life. What I believe is that we are born gay or we are not. People would argue with me about that but that is how I feel. I don't discount that life events can change the way a person may feel but I think that is very rare.
Let me ask you...your gay friends...do they fight the fact that they are gay? I'm guessing not. They are gay and they just know it. Now you on the other hand are fighting it tooth and nail and that is very telling to me.
Over the years I have found that our minds are pretty much capable of thinking up all manner of irrational thoughts and fears and for those of us without the proper chemicals in our brains, we are susceptible to believing in untruths.
I take medication for my OCD. Did the medications work for you when you did take them? If so, then isn't there somebody you can see that does participate with your insurance.
Also, you may want to take a look at the book The OCD Workbook: YOur Guide to Breaking from of OCD.
What you are experiencing is pretty much identical to what I'm going through. It's ocd because I can't stop thinking about it, but ours is made worse by the fetish side of things. It's not enjoyable like it is when thinking about girls though, it's arousal that is full of anxiety, feeling of doing something wrong, unnatural. As soon as you climax it becomes disgusting. I'm fairly certain I'm not gay because from a young age I masturbated over women, and had serious girlfriends that I loved. The trick is to stop the fantasy, and tell yourself you aren't gay, because you aren't... I think the fear of losing women for me is one of the worst things that could possibly happen to me, therefore I get paranoia about it. This similar to you?