Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Community
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Avatar universal

Hocd or in denial

Hello all,
  Currently I am 20 years old and have been dealing with anxiety for as long as i can remember. First off i want to say that my first that i grew up in a small town and went to a Catholic grade school. I remember having the biggest crushes on these 2 girls that were in my classes, blonde hair with blue eyes that could steal your lunch money. Then i moved around 6th grade and I moved to a public school where girls where really starting to look good. I really cant remember but i think that year my brother tried to rape me. Long story short i didnt let him i thought it was digusting and weird. Then he told me all about porn and showed me and was totally intrigued about it. maybe a year later i masturbated for the fist time to a girl and everything was great. freashman year of highschool came around and there was this guy who came out of the closet at my school i wasn't  phased by it but i rememebr masturbateing to the thought of having sex with him after i was done i was like wtfffffff is going on. at that point i was like am i gay? that year ( i am still a freshman ) i got my first girl friend it was great she was so hot and we tried to have sex i had a really hard ecrection but i never finished. this made me ask my self maybe im gay.. the next time we had sex i thought of a guy nothing happned..ok but still why didnt i finish. years went on where i find my self on the internet and i see a banner with a hot girl and i start to masturbate and it would be great but i then a thought of a guy came into my head then i would get really turned on but i would stop my self before i ejaculate and think about a girl. I hated it i thought i was mentally sick i never wanted to masturbate. I trued watching gay porn  while i was mastubating and it seemed to turn me on. i stoped my self and just broke down i really started to hate my self becuase it felt like i was loosing what i loved most in this world women.. i think about it i do everything to impress them why would i be gay? then maybe around my senior year i had another serous girl friend who i feel in love with..  sometimes i would ejaculate but there was this one time where i thought to my self why arent i cumming so i thought of a guy and was about to finish... and stoped and just went home i really started to get into a deep depression. i went to the doctor and he said i wasnt gay i  mastuabte about fetishs and i have alot of anxiety. but when ever i get convinced that i am straight i want to jump for joy i get so happy. it is my worst nightmare to become gay!!! sorry about spelling and length!!! I read these forms on a daily basis and they make me feel better for a short period of time. My goal in life is to have a wife that i love and kids but it feels like this disease wont let that happen. I constantly check now, like if a song comes on the radio thats too "gay" i will turn it off fearing that it will make me gay. Please guys give me some input
6 Responses
Avatar universal
Have you spoken with a professional about this? You seem incredibly confused and maybe it will help get things clearer in your head.

It's is not uncommon to be confused about sexuality, I am not saying it is not Hocd but perhaps talking it though will help.

Let me know how you get on.
Avatar universal
thank you for the response and, yes i have spoken to a psychiatrist and he said that i am indeed not gay the whole thing freaks me out to the point i dont want to leave my house
Avatar universal
Did he suggests some meds and a course of therapy?  
Avatar universal
I have been off and on anti depressants but i cant afford the doctor because he does nor qualify for my insurance. He tried to put it in perspective for me like if i mastubated to a animal does that mean i want to be with one ? while on the med i understood more that its just in my head but once i got off it came back and fast and certain things can trigger it. like the other day my friend was with a gay guy and i thought i was going to pass out beucase my anxiety was so high.
1699033 tn?1514113133
Hi there.....It certainly sounds as if you have multiple triggers in your life.  What I believe is that we are born gay or we are not.  People would argue with me about that but that is how I feel.  I don't discount that life events can change the way a person may feel but I think that is very rare.  

Let me ask you...your gay friends...do they fight the fact that they are gay?  I'm guessing not.  They are gay and they just know it.  Now you on the other hand are fighting it tooth and nail and that is very telling to me.  

Over the years I have found that our minds are pretty much capable of thinking up all manner of irrational thoughts and fears and for those of us without the proper chemicals in our brains, we are susceptible to believing in untruths.  

I take medication for my OCD.  Did the medications work for you when you did take them?  If so, then isn't there somebody you can see that does participate with your insurance.  

Also, you may want to take a look at the book The OCD Workbook:  YOur Guide to Breaking from of OCD.  
Avatar universal
What you are experiencing is pretty much identical to what I'm going through. It's ocd because I can't stop thinking about it, but ours is made worse by the fetish side of things. It's not enjoyable like it is when thinking about girls though, it's arousal that is full of anxiety, feeling of doing something wrong, unnatural. As soon as you climax it becomes disgusting. I'm fairly certain I'm not gay because from a young age I masturbated over women, and had serious girlfriends that I loved. The trick is to stop the fantasy, and tell yourself you aren't gay, because you aren't... I think the fear of losing women for me is one of the worst things that could possibly happen to me, therefore I get paranoia about it. This similar to you?
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