Hello to all the members of this forum. I’m was not sure that my message belonged to the OCD forum, for my last appointments with a psychiatrist did not lead to any clear-cut diagnosis; but I thought some of the members may be familiar with what I have been increasingly feeling for a few years.
I thank you in advance for reading this. I’ll try to make it short and sweet (sort of). Since I started college, about 4 years ago, I have grown more and more disgusted by people. It’s a physical repulsion against their hygiene, their smell, the noise they make (especially while eating), and bodily fluids in general. This has led me to drastically reduce my romantic relationships, until about a couple of years ago, when I ended up unable not to be disgusted, perhaps even a bit scared, by this sort of physical contact. I still have sexual fantasies, but I know how I would react if I were to meet people again.
I have lost touch with some friends because the way they took care of their body, their smell, or the way they were eating, made me lose any form of friendly emotion towards them. Also, the food is the worst. I don’t eat fresh food (except fruits and vegetables with thick skin), but mostly frozen and canned food. I like the idea that a machine, rather than a human, prepared what I eat. I cannot go to restaurants without drinking beforehand to loosen my spirit; otherwise, the thought of a person I don’t know, touching my food with his/her filthy fingers, repulses me. Of course, I never go to restaurant if I’m not invited. It has to be an obligation…
Lastly, I think it appears obvious that I am quite worried about my own hygiene and cleanliness in general. The way I smell, how I can wear my clothes, the way I eat, how my house is disinfected, etc., is something I constantly think about. Washing my hands about every half-hour, exercising daily, showering 3 times a day, sometimes more, keeping a clean breath, I think you get the gist of it.
I have a long history of depression. I have noted that, in periods during which I’m more depressed, these obsessions become more acute than usual.
I any case, I thank you for reading this message, and thank you in advance for any advice you may have for me.