How do I undo my sexual repression?

[gobosox91]

So, I have OCD, I'll make that known first.

My sexual history has been a real roller coster. I'm 22 now, and I didn't hit puberty until I was 15, so I was far behind other guys when it came to sexual and pubescent matters. I had an alternative sexual fetish instead of normal eroticism, being seeing a girl chewing bubblegum. I'd look at the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue with friends, and I just didn't get turned on by it. I did, however, get turned on by what one would consider odd things, such as a girl pretending to be a baby or something like that.

I was always ashamed to admit that I was attracted to a certain girl. I always kept my crushes hidden, and when I was a teenager, I created this huge crush on Emma Watson, which was originally there, but I decided to give it more attention, and I vowed that I would eventually marry her, and I viewed me starting a relationship with a different girl was to cheat on her. You could imagine how I felt when I saw her dating another guy.

So, puberty comes and I learn how to masturbate, and believe me, I made up for lost ground when it came to sexual desires. I would occasionally get turned on by a girl being naked or pressing herself up against me. I didn't get my first kiss until I was 21, in all seriousness, and I avoided women (which was kind of easy, because I went to an all guys high school). I almost got my first kiss from a girl I really liked in the 8th grade, but I avoided her because I was scared.

I eventually convinced myself I was gay because after a friend convinced me that everybody in my hometown thought I was gay. I had been bullied, called gay and stuff like that at my high school, and the girl I almost kissed would pretend to flirt with me on the bus rides and I turned her down, and I thought that such bullies let that information go back to my hometown, so when he said: everybody thinks you're gay... you could imagine how I felt. Despite the fact that if I saw a gay scene in a movie, or a penis anywhere, I would look away in disgust.

Let's jump forward a year. I get a job as a busboy at a country club in my hometown, and I see a coworker coming off as really friendly, so me in my young homophobic mind (come on, when we're all young, we're apprehensive about homosexuality) thinks he could give people the impression he's gay. Then I suddenly started to think: Wait! Everybody here already thinks I'm gay! I start thinking about what would give people the impression I was gay, and I thought of how I was an aspiring filmmaker, and how there were a lot of gay directors, went to an all guys school, was interested in penises at a younger age (from an anatomy perspective, not sexual at all, ended as soon as I started to understand sexual norms), a classmate's mom probably thought I was a broadway musical nut because I was obsessed with The Producers when it came out back in 2001, when I was 10, and I was convinced that because they all thought I was gay, therefore I must be, somehow. On top of my insecurity over my inability to masturbate thinking about a girl's body and not her chewing bubblegum... This hits me like a wall and suddenly I'm finding guys attractive and I'm feeling nothing for women at all.

Now, this happened first just after Christmas in 2009, and I confided to my college roommate over this, and he said that I was psyching myself out and that if a girl climbed into my bed and started to cuddle with me, I'd definitely get turned on. Sure enough, as time goes by, I'm starting to like girls again. I also happen to run into that girl I always loved in childhood and suddenly I'm in love with her again.

Then this occurs at the end of May in 2010.

So, this goes on for a while. By a while, I mean over a year and a half. In that time, girls would flirt with me and I'd feel like the king of the world. I watch Harry Potter and imagine myself dancing with Emma Watson and suddenly I'm in love with her again.

In that time of thinking I was gay, I never had the urge to masturbate. And believe me, I know I didn't have any carnal urges like before. I'd watch gay porn and read gay erotica to test myself, but it always disgusted me.

Then my OCD moves on to religion. First in pursuit of knowing if God exists, and after I became convinced He exists, I suddenly got into the doctrinal stuff, and suddenly I'm convinced I'm going to hell because I'm Catholic, and I doubt the origins of Jesus (spiritual, but not from God) and I'm convinced I blasphemed the Holy Spirit, and I'm going to hell even faster than before, and in my despair I gave my soul to the devil in return for my heterosexuality, and suddenly every girl is attractive again. Now I'm masturbating again with pleasure!

Then I regret my decision and I avoid all sexual things in general. Now I can't masturbate anymore. I can't get turned on while I watch girls go crazy on each other.

What do I do to get back to my original sexual urges? I want everything to go back to the way it was prior to June 2010, when I felt comfortable and could have fun imagining being with girls.

[mariabianca]

Hi. Let me first start by telling you that I am Catholic & have OCD as well. Second, after reading what you wrote, I think you're confusing two issues. I don't believe you're sexually repressed, just that you developed late which is ok. It seems that in today's world kids grow up really fast in regards to sex, some don't. Your in the minority that didn't & you have to do what is comfortable for you. That doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you.
As for the OCD, the symptoms include preoccupation with sexual or religious thoughts. I don't believe that you're gay but that you're PREOCCUPIED w/believing that you're gay. If you have to put this much thought into being gay, you're not. All these thoughts are causing you anxiety. And when you add the religious aspect to it, the situation becomes worse.
There is nothing wrong with you except that you're suffering the very common symptoms of OCD. However, there is no cure. My suggestion would be to see a therapist that specifically treats OCD. He/she knows how to treats this & if meds are needed can prescribe them. I have gone through the cognitive therapy as well as taking Effexor XR & for the most part the OCD has receded. I know this because when I come off my meds I can tell the difference & I don't like it. With the therapy & meds my life is 99% OCD free. I do have moments of anxiety but nothing that can't be fixed by simply reassuring myself & using the methods I learned in therapy