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How do i find closure with HOCD?

Hey thank you for taking your time to read this. I've had HOCD for a little over 2 years at this  and it is driving me crazy. I've thought about suicide multiple times however ive never gotten to the point where I would act on my thoughts.

My HOCD started when i saw a link on twitter, and it was of a famous vine star (Bryan Garcia the gratata guy) and he was found to have been linked with gay porn. I clicked the link then found out it was a video of gay porn with him in it, i watched for like 2 mins then felt disgusted with myself and clicked off. I rmember thinking in my mind, wow i knew that that was going to be gay porn, why did i click it? Am I Gay? Have I always been gay?

At this point i remember trying to think of past times in my life where i could have possibly been gay. For example, I remember i used to watch the show pretty little liars until it ended. To me, i only watched that show for enjoyment, not to see any hot guys or anything. In fact i found the female characters really hot. As i thought more and more, i started thinking about times super early in my childhood. I remember in kindergarden when my best friend and I would pretend to be Jesus and God (Dont ask I used to be super religious). I think that i said i was gonna get married to him or something but i dont remember, because i also said the same thing to my female couisin who i used to kiss at the same age (I was like 5). I remember that once i saw my best friend without his shirt off when i was in grade 6 and i felt uncomfortable because he had a noticably defined body when i didnt. At the time i never thought of anything sexual, i just remember feeling anxious and uncomfortable. This became a common theme after this if i saw im shirtless, however i dont think i was ever attracted. I also have this specific memory of typing something in yahoo answers once that read, "Im attracted to my best friend but im not gay" and i remember reading the answers. However, i often used to type things like that up even though they had no correlation with my feelings or my life, i just found it entertaining for some reason. My mind is confused if i truly wanted that or if i was just bored, because i honestly cant remember. The last gay thing i thought of was after a year of HOCD and whilst i was extremly high off of marijuana. I remember me and my bestfriend were in my other friends basement, and I had always felt closer to this friend, however i never questioned it before my HOCD. I just him as my best friend. Nothing more. However I always felt kind of more clingy than he was, but strictly in a friendship way. For some reason i guess i idolised him, although he isn't esspecially great at anything. Like i said i cant think of him in a sexual way, were just friends. Anyway, we were in the basement, trying to go to bed, and i remember thinking these exact words "wow i would totally do something gay right now and thought about laying on the bed next to him." Keep in mind, that at this point, I had already had OCD for over a year, and i had convinced myself that my clingyness was a product of me being gay. I actually developed some anxiety around him because it reminded me of my OCD.  Anyway, nothing came of this and i reassured myself it was OCD, went to bed, and woke up discusted with myself in the morning. On a side note, I found that marijuana severly increases my anxiety, and i am often unable to fight of my OCD symptoms. This is the main reason i stopped smoking when i ussed to every other day.

Thinking now there were 2 other things that happened after i got OCD. I obviously watcched gay porn to check for my obsessions, like every other victim. This made me question everything so much more and only increased my anxiety, although i wasn't attracted to the porn. I also regularly went on a website called 4chan/b/ which porn is frequently exposed on. Porn can range from regular-gay-trap etc. At first everything gay discusted me. however i eventually grew a tollerarance to it and saw trap porn. I also found these things called fap roulletes, which make people experiment with their body. At this point i started to fantisize about penis's which really freaked me out because i wasnt attracted to them. MY OCD was driving me crazy because it felt so wrong and horrible in my mind to think about, but for some reason i did. I also experinmented with my body (no questions asked). I Stopped going on 4chan and cut out all porn from my life and aall of this dissapeared. I felt discusted with myself the ntire time when this happened by the way. Like i truly hated myself for doing it.

CRUSHES

For my entire life I have always loved girls. Everything about them. Boobs, ***, vagina, you name it. I have alwways been an extremly shy and inseccure person so i was always afraid, anxious and nervous around girls, hence i tended not to really talk to them. It didnt help that my friend never wanted to talk to girls either, so i had someone to fall back on whenever i got too scared (if that makes any sense). To be honest i think my friends gay but thats got nothing to do with it. I have ALWAYS LOVED women. When i was younger, i was easily the horniest kid i ever knew, everything about girls made me horney. As a resault I masturbated frequently and have done since the age of like 11. (im 17 now). I thought about a guy was always discusting to me, owever to be honest it never really came to my mind.

Infact, although ive found girls extremly hot, i've only been in love twice. When i was young I always had a crush on this girl until i moved countries when i was in grade 4. I had liked her since kindergarden and i remember being so proud when she kissed me one day.

When I was in grade 5, i fell in love with this girl, who turned out to become my best friend. I always liked her alhtough she didnt like me. She dated other guys and id always get jelous cause i wanted it to be me. We got in a fight for a couple years and didn't talk, however in grade 8 we started talking. Eventually we dated and continued to for about 18 months. I was deeply in love and it broke my heart when we broke up. In heinsight the relationship wouldnt work, but at the time i couldnt be told that.

I didnt date anyone until grade 12, where i dated this girl from my work for a month. However i went in the relationship with the goal of getting myself out theere and to get over my past girlfriend.

Currently, i am in arelationship with a girl who I love so much. I could honestly see myself spending the rest of my life with her. She is fully supportive of me with my OCD, and everything else that plaques me. I love her so much, although my head sometimes spins with HOCD thoughts. I could go on for hours talking about her but ill cut it short.

Thanks for reading. How can I get closure?



1 Responses
Avatar universal
Hi Jacob.  It sounds to me like you are not gay.  Not even a little bit.   It does sound like you have OCD though.  OCD can cause unpleasant thoughts of various kinds.   Some people worry about germs.  Others worry about more mundane things such as losing their job.   You worry that you might be gay.  The common thread is that they are  unrealistic worries and you know that they are but can't let go of them.   People without OCD have thoughts that trouble them, but they are able to say "no, that's not true" and stop thinking about it, going on with their lives.  People with OCD have a little "yeah but what if..." machine in their brain that keeps the thought rolling through their mind over and over, no matter what evidence to the contrary they might find.

I would recommend seeing a therapist of some kind.  If you see a psychiatrist, they can prescribe medication that will ease your OCD thoughts.   I don't recommend that as your only method though.  A multi-pronged approach is better.   Use the meds in the short run but try other things such as talk therapy, vigorous exercise, meditation/prayer, yoga and social contact to help.   OCD never really goes away completely - you will continue to have disturbing thoughts now and then and sometimes they won't go away easily.  But, with some work on your part, you will learn the skills to recognize them for what they are and how to stop them from continuously rolling through you mind.
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