Aa
How to cope and combat HIV related OCD?
Hi all, this is my first post so I am hoping this is the correct forum.
As an 18 year old, I have suffered from OCD for as long as I can remember. Over the last number of years, my OCD has presented itself in many different forms, most of which I have managed to overcome or simply learned to live with.
The trouble is, as is quite common with OCD, when I get over one worry or ritual, another swiftly comes in to take its place.
In the last year, I have developed an irrational fear and paranoia around developing HIV. I don't exactly know where this fear came from, but it is slowly but surely taking control of my life. Everywhere I go, I come up with all sorts of scenarios concerning the contraction of the disease, the vast majority of which are completely unfounded according to science. However, no matter how much I explore the science and rationality surrounding an incident or event, the crippling doubt remains in my mind. If I have an episode while out (perhaps by touching something somebody else with a cut of their hand may have touched previously etc.) I often immediately enter a hyperaroused state in which I begin to worry frantically and became extremely paranoid that everyone is out to get me.Then the hypoarousal sets in and I enter an extended period of depression in which I stay in bed for most of the day. This has come to affect me such much that I now fear leaving the controlled environment of my own home.
I live alone with my mother who has been nothing only supportive when it comes to my struggle. However, it is obvious that seeing her only child in such a state is taking its toll on her.
When I go out and she is with me, I am constantly seeking reassurance from her which is most certainly a drain on the two of us. While, walking along, I constantly fear that an item such as a needle or syringe will stick into me and I will become infected with a disease such as HIV. An incident occurred yesterday in which I was walking down a non-busy Street and felt a sharp pinch on my right knee. I looked around on the ground for anything which may have in theory 'jumped up' and stuck in me if I stood on it. Upon searching the ground and surrounding areas, I came to realise that there was no such object in the vicinity. I immediately went back to the car to examine my knee. There was no obvious needle mark or blood present as one would expect to see after being pricked with a syringe. My mother who was with me reassured me that there was nothing on the ground and in the event that something did stick into me there would obviously be evidence of it (such as the needle being embedded in the skin). She suggested that maybe a hair on my leg caught in my polyester track pants and pulled, causing the sensation. This was not good enough to ease my mind. When I got home, I entered a state of panic and then made my mother drive back to the site of the 'incident' to examine the scene further. On further inspection, I found a small child's pen on the ground near the site. I the began to think 'What if it's an elaborately disguised syringe?.Silly, I know but worrying none the less. I examined my knee further and squeezed and prodded at it until I thought I seen blood exit it but is probably just bruising and irritation caused by the squeezing. The rational part of my says there are any number of reasons/ causes why a person would or could feel such a sensation, but the irrational side is winning by a landslide.
These sort of incidents have become commonplace in my life and are seriously affecting me and those around me. I am starting university in a few weeks and I don't want these years I should be enjoying to be destroyed by my fear of being around people and paranoia.
Have any of you experienced or are experiencing this sort of HIV related OCD? How have you managed or are managing to cope/ combat it? I am open to all suggestions. In the past I have been on medication and underwent CBT with minimal success if any. I look forward to hearing from you.
As an 18 year old, I have suffered from OCD for as long as I can remember. Over the last number of years, my OCD has presented itself in many different forms, most of which I have managed to overcome or simply learned to live with.
The trouble is, as is quite common with OCD, when I get over one worry or ritual, another swiftly comes in to take its place.
In the last year, I have developed an irrational fear and paranoia around developing HIV. I don't exactly know where this fear came from, but it is slowly but surely taking control of my life. Everywhere I go, I come up with all sorts of scenarios concerning the contraction of the disease, the vast majority of which are completely unfounded according to science. However, no matter how much I explore the science and rationality surrounding an incident or event, the crippling doubt remains in my mind. If I have an episode while out (perhaps by touching something somebody else with a cut of their hand may have touched previously etc.) I often immediately enter a hyperaroused state in which I begin to worry frantically and became extremely paranoid that everyone is out to get me.Then the hypoarousal sets in and I enter an extended period of depression in which I stay in bed for most of the day. This has come to affect me such much that I now fear leaving the controlled environment of my own home.
I live alone with my mother who has been nothing only supportive when it comes to my struggle. However, it is obvious that seeing her only child in such a state is taking its toll on her.
When I go out and she is with me, I am constantly seeking reassurance from her which is most certainly a drain on the two of us. While, walking along, I constantly fear that an item such as a needle or syringe will stick into me and I will become infected with a disease such as HIV. An incident occurred yesterday in which I was walking down a non-busy Street and felt a sharp pinch on my right knee. I looked around on the ground for anything which may have in theory 'jumped up' and stuck in me if I stood on it. Upon searching the ground and surrounding areas, I came to realise that there was no such object in the vicinity. I immediately went back to the car to examine my knee. There was no obvious needle mark or blood present as one would expect to see after being pricked with a syringe. My mother who was with me reassured me that there was nothing on the ground and in the event that something did stick into me there would obviously be evidence of it (such as the needle being embedded in the skin). She suggested that maybe a hair on my leg caught in my polyester track pants and pulled, causing the sensation. This was not good enough to ease my mind. When I got home, I entered a state of panic and then made my mother drive back to the site of the 'incident' to examine the scene further. On further inspection, I found a small child's pen on the ground near the site. I the began to think 'What if it's an elaborately disguised syringe?.Silly, I know but worrying none the less. I examined my knee further and squeezed and prodded at it until I thought I seen blood exit it but is probably just bruising and irritation caused by the squeezing. The rational part of my says there are any number of reasons/ causes why a person would or could feel such a sensation, but the irrational side is winning by a landslide.
These sort of incidents have become commonplace in my life and are seriously affecting me and those around me. I am starting university in a few weeks and I don't want these years I should be enjoying to be destroyed by my fear of being around people and paranoia.
Have any of you experienced or are experiencing this sort of HIV related OCD? How have you managed or are managing to cope/ combat it? I am open to all suggestions. In the past I have been on medication and underwent CBT with minimal success if any. I look forward to hearing from you.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Community
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Condoms are the most effective way to prevent HIV and STDs.
PrEP is used by people with high risk to prevent HIV infection.
