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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Community
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Avatar universal

I don’t know if it’s HOCD anymore :(

Hi. This is a very long post so please bare with me. I am a 24 year old married female and I have been dealing with something I believe is HOCD. It started with me helping a girl out at my work place and I thought she was cute and attractive but thats it. Nothing more. Then it got bad and my mind went into “you thought she was cute that’s means you’re gay”. And ever since then it has been killing me. Every time I’m at work it’s like I’m looking at other females more than I am males and checking to see if I am attracted to them and it’s giving more and more anxiety. The thoughts are still there and they do bother me but sometimes they don’t give me anxiety and that just makes things worse. In all my years of being alive I have always liked guys, wanted to be with a guy, had sex with guys and even married a guy. The point is I know I’m straight but it just doesn’t feel like it anymore. It’s like I’ve accepted it but the thing is I know I’m not gay because I’ve never been with a woman nor do I want to be but I feel like there’s a tightening in my chest when I say that. I don’t know what to do. I just want my heterosexuality back. Like today I saw a girl walking by me and all of a sudden my mind went to going up to her like a boyfriend would and kiss her but that didn’t give me any anxiety!! I don’t understand!! It’s just feels like everything I know is gone. Like where’s my heterosexuality? Where’s my attraction towards guys? Like where is it? Does my heart even know it anymore. I’m so scared. I don’t want to be a lesbian (not to sound mean or anything. Have nothing against homosexuality). It’s just not me. Just what is me? Who am I? Is this HOCD anymore or a sexual identity crisis? I’m married to the most wonderful guy and I just feel like with all this going on, it just does feel like I want to be with a girl but I don't. I just don’t get any relief anymore from any of this. I just feel like with something like this it would destroy everything. I know I don’t want to be with a girl, but am I only telling myself this because I’m in denial or for reassurance? I don’t know anymore. Even if it’s just for a week, I would like some relief from all this even if it’s just a little while. It just feels like I’ve suddenly become gay. Just what I have been going through right now, it’s just leaving me in a state of depression and it’s taking a toll with my husband as well. If someone on here can help me in anyway, I would greatly appreciate it. And thank you for reading my rant. Thank you all.
4 Responses
Avatar universal
Hi there.
First off, I am so sorry you are suffering with this worry and anxiety. HOCD is an especially stressful and scary form of OCD...and also very common. I have been in your exact shoes, I was so terrified that I was a lesbian I had myself convinced I was. Although I knew deep down (as with most, if not all obsessive thoughts) that this was not reality and that it was simply my OCD getting a hold of me.
I think HOCD is stressful because it causes us to question ourselves on such an intimate level. I sometimes imagine my obsessive thoughts as whiny little brats trying to get under my skin, you just have to remember they are simply thoughts passing through your mind, they are not YOU. Every person at one point has had a thought “I wonder what my sexuality is? OR That person is attractive.” The difference is that most people don’t give these thoughts a moment’s time and eventually forget about them, treating them for what they are: just a random thought.
With OCD we grab onto these thoughts and give them far more credit than they deserve..in the end they are just silly whiny thoughts. Sometimes I even imagine my inner worry dialogue as a whiny childish voice, which helps me remember what value these thoughts truly have.
I could tell you that I know you are not gay, but I know that you already know this too.
When these thoughts come into your mind, pity them, treat them for the silly thoughts they are. Replace them with a nice walk or run, your favorite tv show, or sex with your wonderful husband!
As with other obsessive fears, this will pass. It will. Best of luck. Know that you are not alone!
Avatar universal
Its just hard because sometimes I question my sexuality and it doesn’t help when I go to work or go to my psychologist because it’s like I second guess myself and almost feeling like I need to tell people the real truth and sometimes I have an urge to be with a girl but I know that’s not what I want but it’s like uuugggghhh!!! I don’t even know anymore
1 Comments
You do know. Don’t let your OCD change that. You will get through this.
Avatar universal
You’re right! I know who I am and that’s a heterosexual. I’ve learned from reading all these stories from different people and the comments that you’re orientation is never going to change. I know my orientation is going to stay where its at!
1 Comments
Absolutely! You’re correct. It does not change. You know who you are.
Avatar universal
Hey krconnor19 if you here I sent you a message yesterday and I was hoping you got it?
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