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I have Hocd or not I don't understand, I need help please!!!

Hi I'm 18 years old,gonna be 19 in less than 2 months. I have been suffering with OCD n intrusive thoughts for a good few years now, Last week after a night of drinking with my friends I came home n fell asleep,I got up a few hours later n couldn't go back to sleep because I had a really blocked nose. I was just watching vids on YouTube to pass time n suddenly I can't remember how or why I started getting homosexual thoughts in my head saying I'm gay n I like being gay. Something I should add is I have been straight my whole life n never been attracted to men or wanted to be. Anyway carrying on, I couldn't get those thoughts out of my head, I acted on them to test if I was really gay or not,I watched gay porn, I didn't get an erection nor was I really aroused, but my mind kept trying to find ways to prove I was aroused,I then watched lesbian porn n found that so much better, I eventually managed to go to sleep although it was very hard,the fact that I acted on my thoughts really wouldn't stop disturbing me,it's a week on from that n the whole week my mind has been in a really bad state,constantly telling me I'm gay n just having weird thoughts, saying I must be gay because all this has happened to me,all this creates constant anxiety n this is worse than I've ever felt my whole life,questioning my sexuality is crazy to me,last night I was so overwhelmed by all this I gave up,I said **** it,my mind wants me to be gay I'll be gay I couldn't take it anymore,I let my thoughts go wherever they wanted n didn't stop them,I let myself become aroused n watched gay porn,I masturbated to it, I came, I hated it n I've never felt so low in my life, I don't know what to do with myself. I wanted to die, I still do because I'm at my lowest point right now, I can't believe all this is happening and I don't know what to do. Can someone please help me?
4 Responses
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there...first let me tell you that HOCD is probably the #1 thought that everyone with OCD has and posts on this board.  If you take a good look at the forum, you will see so many HOCD posts.  
You said you have been suffering from intrusive thoughts for a few years.  What have you done to get help for them?  Have you seen a psychologist to be formally diagnosed?  
Here is my take on being gay.  I believe it is genetic.  You don't just wake up one day and boom you are gay.  You are either born gay or you are not.  And frankly I have yet to find one person on this forum that I truly thought was gay.  AND think about how OCD works...I have had truly gay people write that they are afraid they are going to become straight!  YOU ARE NOT GAY!  
What you have to do is just accept the thoughts.  Let them wash over you with a "WHATEVER" statement.  Even if you said "I'm Gay" out loud, that isn't going to make you want to run out and get a boyfriend.  Say "I'm Gay" every five minutes until it become boring because that is how the thoughts go away.  We think them, we "whatever" them and then we try our best to move on.  The more you give in to the thought, the more you test, the longer it will stay around.  DO NOT WATCH PORN!  Porn is arousing in any form...at least I think so.  That is what it is made for.  
Please let me know if you have the ability to see a psychologist.  
1 Comments
Thank you for your reply, I just feel depressed and suicidal right now, I can't believe I let myself fall that low and did what I've done,my actions are the only thing I can't get over I really don't understand what urges I felt to do it was it anxiety?false urges from ocd?false feelings from ocd? Am I really gay or bisexual I really don't know I'm still suicidal I just really need help
Avatar universal
I didn't know a thing about Hocd or that it even existed before all this happened,only after it happened I started doing research and stuff
Avatar universal
And I have never seen a psychologist or anything about my ocd but I'm gonna go to a doc tomorrow for this Hocd because it's ****** me up really bad,I wish I knew about this disorder before I did all this
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
Were you able to find somebody to see?
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