(The text is a bit long, but if someone can read I would appreciate it.)
I would like to share the moment I'm living. I am Brazilian, heterosexual, male, 35 years, not a drug user.
I have a phobia of being infected by HIV. Throughout my life I only had sex without a condom with 03 women. All were girlfriends.
I married in 2004 and had a happy life until 2008, when I went to a brothel had sex with a prostitute. Although the sex was protected, was a long 10 months just thinking that was infected with HIV. I did 03 tests, all negative.
But it destroyed my marriage, since I was no longer the same person. I got further and further away from my wife for fear of being infected with HIV.
In late 2008 she requested a divorce. It was very traumatic for me, but there was nothing else to do.
I continued my life. in 2009 I met a lovely woman who became my girlfriend. We have plans to get married.
But in September 2010 I went with some friends in a house of prostitution. I had no intention of paying for sex, just follow my friends. Did not have sex with anyone, just drink some drinks, talked and interacted with some girls. NO SEX.
The next day began the thoughts that I was infected with HIV, even without me having sex.
I did 02 tests with the help of a doctor. NEGATIVE.
After this, I find a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with obsessive compulsive disorder. I did some therapy sessions and dropped out of treatment.
Last week the same thing happened. I went with some friends at a bar where high-level escorts offer sex for money. Again I was just drinking and talking on the sofa. DID NOT SEX WITH ANYONE. ANY KIND.
The next day I was on the internet looking for cases of HIV symptoms, navigating through MedHelp. My thoughts returned. I can not stop looking on the internet the HIV issue.
I spoke with my psychiatrist and next week i will return to therapy.
I do not want to do any testing of HIV, because I think the test is a way to offset the obsessive thoughts. I want to treat this matter in OCD level and not at the clinical level, because I know the ways of HIV transmission and I'm sure I was not exposed (I've looked at about 50 times the credit card receipt to make sure that did not pay for sex, but always in my mind puts me on unrealistic scenarios)
In a way this is my small story. If you have experienced something similar and want to help me, thanks.