Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Community
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Avatar universal

I think I might kill myself?? I can't get it out of my head...

Hey. I'm a teenager who has confusion about my sexuality. I don't know if this HOCD or self denial. It all started in the summertime when I was watching a youtuber come out. It also started when my mom and I were joking around and I playfully bit her leg. She then looked at me and asked me I was lesbian or bi. I was startled and anxious and offended because I couldn't believe she said that. Plus, she told me when she was younger she bit family members as well. And my mom knows that when I was younger I would bite people. But anyway, shortly after, I started worrying "Am I gay or not". I've been worrying for a few months. At first, the fear was so intense I wanted to kill myself. Then, my fear began decreasing which made me worry and think that I'm finally accepting myself as a lesbian or bisexual. I don't want to be a lesbian or bisexual, and please don't say nothing is wrong with it because I know that. I just was to be heterosexual and confident that I'm heterosexual like I was a year ago. So I've complied a list for reasons why I think I'm bisexual, straight, a lesbian. And mostly the straight out weighted the other categories. My question is can someone at least tell me if this is truly HOCD and I'm just really straight or if I'm actually a lesbian/ bi in denial? 

* Crushes and fantasies  of guys since I was a baby. 

* Immediately notice when a guy is attractive. 

* I find the idea of eating a vagina disgusting. 

* Pictured myself eating a vagina or having sex with a girl, unnatural and completely disturbing. 

* I'm boy crazy. 

* I always picture my future with  a guy. 

*i'm crushing on a guy right now   

* My first boyfriend was a guy, and I really wanted to kiss him but didn't get a chance to. 

* Being with guys feels so natural. 

* Whatever sexual thing a guy does to a girl, I want it done to me. 

* I can immediately become attracted to a guy if I like them 

* Sex with a guy turns me on. 

* felt I was always straight and never questioned my sexuality before. 

* Straight porn turns me on as well. 

* taking many sexuality quizzes including the Kinsey Scale, and all my results were Heterosexual 

* I didn't feel different from my peers when I was young. 

* I never felt the need to come out to my parents, because I have always been straight. 

* I have a good gay-dar. (I don't know if that has anything to do with it) 

* None of my friends suspect that I'm anything or than straight. 

* Lastly, it just feels natural being straight. 


* I watched lesbian porn and have felt aroused to it. P.S. I discovered it at a young age and at first it was disgusting but then became use to it.   

* I do notice girls, but not in a way that I desire them, just like if they're pretty or not. 

* I do look at girls butts  or boobs to compare them to mines 

* When I was younger, I found myself staring at my teachers boobs one time and felt guilty about it. 

* I think some girls who dress very masculine are cute, but I don't necessarily want to date then or **** them. 

* I've only had 1 - 3 sexual fantasies about girls throughout my whole life. 

* the only thing i would do with a girl is kiss without tongue. I would never go further. Usually, i kiss my fanily memebers on the mouth so i have no problem with this. 

* I've never questioned my sexuality before. 

*I started questioning my sexuality the summer of 2015. 

* I check the internet everyday to see what my sexuality is 

* My family says I have a tendency to worry 

* Before worrying about my sexuality, I use to worry if I was mentally crazy or about my health. 

* Sometimes, I feel like the way I dress, talk, or look is gay, and feel the need to change it. 

* I never felt like I was hiding my true self (sexuality) from people. 

* Worry/ fear that I am or becoming gay 

* I fear/worry that people think I'm gay. 

* I worry/fear that I am gay but just don't know it. 

* I worry/fear that I don't have HOCD, and am in denial or just don't know that I'm bisexual or lesbian. 

*I am not as panicky as I use to be, and worry this is me accepting the fact that I'm homosexual/bisexual. 

* Read other people's coming out stories and fear that that could be me. 

*Gronial responses, unwanted intrusive thoughts, unwanted intrusive fantasized(not to many). 

4 Responses
9784446 tn?1421337046
It looks like ocd but you need to consult a psychiatrist for official diagnosis.
Avatar universal
How u doing ??
Avatar universal
I'm suffering from the exact same ******* nightmares...
I use to go online and do the exact same ****. And it's been almost 3 years and I feel the same way.
Avatar universal
I have the same worries and i'm a teenager like you. You're not alone. Many people have OCD, the psychiatrist have a really tight scedule because there are so many teenagers suffering from anxiety. You SHOULD speak with a  psychiatrists to get some offical diagnosis (as mentioned above).  Don't worry everything will be alrig.
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