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Avatar universal

Im back.. more depressed :( (HOCD/pure-o or is it)

So how to start. I was doing okay like almost a month but today I got so scared and depressed of thought being bi/gay. I have had these unpleasent thoughts during this month and I have tried to not give them any attention. Its been hard though. There is times when I think of one girl. I feel so good like warm and I get erection. Sometimes I dont want to think of her because im afraid that I lose this feeling or that it is fake. But to the point why im writing to here is because I had a thought of having sex with a man. It scared me so much. My mind always tricks with me and it said that im not scared and I would like it. I went to watch gay porn for reassurrance and I know I shouldnt do that. It didnt give me erection but I felt something which I think is called Groinal response. I was like this is something that I never would do. But that doesnt help because my mind says "why does the gender matters" because I watched this one YouTube video. Now every time I see good-looking men im scared of getting erection or being attarcted or scared of thoughts which sometimes come. I dont want to say in my mind that some men are good-looking. I watch these youtubers who say that havent had any thoughts of being gay. Further in the day-> I asked myself why am I scared of being bi. My mind immediately told that im scared of being rejected (closet bi) which im not. I just dont want to be with man like being with girls but im scared that will happen which I dont want to. Im so scared of future. Anything what I say of man feels like im bi. But the worst is one coming out video which have stucked in to my mind. I wont tell its name because I dont you to watch it. Its so scary to me!!! Im scared of this the most and this is why I havent got over this. So im scared of this. if I want to get over this I have to turn bi which I dont want to and That's why I havent got over this. Also it feels like my thoughts will never go and they would go if I say im bi which I dont want to do.
What to do?!?!?!? Im scared as f**.
4 Responses
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
I believe in the past discussions it was mentioned that you should talk to your dad about your anxiety?  Did you ever bring this up with him?  
Avatar universal
Yes, I told him but we dont have good ocd specialists in here where I live.
1 Comments
Well you can consult any psychiatrist for medicine , you don't need a ocd specialist for it. But for therapy you need a good therapist who specializes in ocd, if you cannot get therapy , you can take help from books also.
Avatar universal
Can you say some books?
1 Comments
you can take help from the book "Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts: How to Gain Control of Your OCD" by christine purdon , this book has helped me a lot, this book is for pure O sufferers , there isanother  book called brain lock which is very famous.
Avatar universal
Thanks! I try to look up those books!
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