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I'm scared that I'm a lesbian and I don't want to be

I am a sixteen year old girl and I think I have HOCD. Last Monday a friend told me that another friends mom called me a lesbian. This made me really upset and nervous about being gay. It consumes my thoughts for most of the day and I hate it. Ever since she said that I just have so much anxiety. I keep thinking about things in my past that are signs that I am gay. Once when I was about four I told my mom that I wanted to marry one of my friends and that is really freaking me out because why would I remember that if it didn't mean something. I was diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder when I was 7 and I take sertraline everyday to help me with it. For my whole life I've liked and had crushes on boys and dreamed about marrying a man. I'm pretty sure I still want that but the thought of being gay is stuck in my head and every time I think about I get a huge lump in my throat. What scares me is thinking that since I've never had a boyfriend I must be kidding myself and I must be gay and haven't realized it yet. I know it's normal for teenagers to question their sexuality and I have before but every time I make myself take quizzes to prove that I'm not gay because it makes me so nervous. This time is different, along with the quizzes I make myself take, I dress differently, act differently, ask friends and family for reassurance, look up the signs that one is gay, I have convinced myself that I have HOCD, and I make myself look a women and see if I feel anything and if I do it must mean I'm gay. It's getting so awful I feel like I can't hang out with my friends anymore and it's eating me alive. What makes me the most nervous is the thought of having to tell my parents I'm gay or talking to lesbian to see if I'm gay and I don't want to do that because I don't want to be a lesbian. I made a post earlier about my fear of being gay and a man said that I might be gay and I'm panicking thinking about that. Please help me this is destroying my life and I want answers on why I'm feeling this way
8 Responses
Avatar universal
It stresses me out so much that I have been brought to tears over this subject
Avatar universal
I'm also scared that if I see a therapist all they will do is tell me that I'm a lesbian
Avatar universal
I also have a gay friend that said he didn't want to be gay before he came out so that makes me think I'm experiencing the same thing he did
973741 tn?1342342773
Hi there  Well, one  thing is for certain---  that mom who called you a lesbian is insensitive.  You are a young woman discovering who you are and don't need a rude older woman interfering!  

I know it is easier said than done, but would try not to worry about this so much.  Most that are homosexual KNOW and don't question once they are truly getting into relationships.  They don't need a quiz to help them figure it out.  And it is normal to be heterosexual but to still find the same sex attractive.  

I would stay focused on school, your friends and am sure that your life ahead sexually and relationship speaking will reveal itself to you fully.  

And definitely, talk to your parents about your anxiety and OCD.  They do not need to know the specifics----  but perhaps can have you see a counselor/doctor.  good luck hon
Avatar universal
Is it normal to have the thoughts I'm having and still be straight because I do like boys and dream about getting married
Avatar universal
Reading what you've written there doesn't seem to be anything about attraction to the same sex.
It seems to me that because your default position has always been to be attracted to men and one day wanting to be married, that the fear of being gay comes about because that presents a threat to how you identify as being.
It also means you attach incredibly unnecessary meaning to things, talking about marrying your friend as a child is in reality nothing more than the innocence of being a child, but because your mind is racing away and you are in a panic state it turns from something quite sweet, innocent and meaningless to a threat to your heterosexuality.
I don't know you so I can't determine what your sexuality is, but if I were to guess I think it's more than likely that you are what you have always assumed yourself to be and that is straight.
The anxiety is caused because you don't have 100% confidence over this and it's the uncertainty that's making you feel this way, at the risk of being presumptuous you come across as someone who can't convince themselves they are straight rather than someone who genuinely thinks they might be gay.
Sexuality is of course fluid, there aren't three settings on the dial.
This isn't going to sound reassuring and it's not meant to, but uncertainty is something you have to live with and its a horrible thing when you are of an anxious mindset, the mind has great power over us and can cause us to doubt everything we take for granted about ourselves.
Don't try and convince yourself one way or the other, your biological responses will tell you the truth and not an overactive mind.
Be well
Avatar universal
Thank you for your kind words, they were very reassuring. I had a major crush on a boy in my school for the majority of this year, and I truly believe that what I felt for him was love. I was completely emotionally and sexually attracted to this boy. I have been known to take things way out of context and over think things to a very extreme level which comes with my anxiety. I think that not having a boyfriend has affected my thinking. I am only 16 years old and have always been behind because I was thrown into school at age 3 and didn't have time to completely develop physiologically. This message was very reassuring.
Avatar universal
I watched that you have written more than once to here. I know you want some reassurance for that you are not lesbian. I have written also here because of HOCD. Think that HOCD is a rollercoaster. Im sure that you have some better days there. You write here because you felt anxious, uncomftortable or some thought which made you feel uncomftortable. When this happen you are top of the rollercoaster you would like to go down as quickly as possible. So you write here for reassurance to get down in rollercoaster and feel coftortable again. Im at your age and I know deep down that im straight like you but our mind is telling that we are not straight. When you feel uncomftortable or anxious dont watch like "what is this" or "is this HOCD" from the internet. Dont watch like dudes or girls for reassurrance. Try keep the thought in your mind. Let the anxiety burn down! I know its tough but if I did it you can! I felt really uncomftortable today. I tried to keep it in but I couldnt. I know I made a mistake but you learn from mistakes. Lets do this together. Send me a message if you are ready to beat this. Remember you have illness nothing else!
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