Intrusive thoughts making me feel crazy!!!

[ocdanon]

I have had intrusive thoughts for a about a year now. They come and go but I learned how to not talk back to them so they eventually just became stupid old thoughts that I don't care about anymore, but me and my mother have been watching alot of movies these last few days and all of them are horror. I kept getting thoughts like "would I like to do that to someone?!" And thoughts about the devil...... I also have depersonalization and derealization, these thoughts mixed with that is awful, it makes me feel insane, I litterly went through this little phase yesterday where my head was clogged with these thoughts, they were racing and they wouldn't stop! I woke up today and was half asleep and for some reason thought " what if I killed somebody?! " ( I was half asleep so for a second I thought I had actually killed someone!) I haven't had anxiety with thoughts in months..... Now I do because I'm convinced that I'm insane. It makes me want to cry tbh, I don't remember ever being this torn apart, confused, and doubtful when I had these thoughts. Also I can't see a therapist.... At least not anytime soon because my doctor is on vacation for the next week plus I'm scared.... I'm scared that they will put me somewhere especially because I seriously think I may be insane, just thinking about yesterday is giving me anxiety. I just need some comfort right now and maybe some tips on how to calm down. Also I'm worried that I'm having delusions???? but after I have the thought I'll tell myself " that's not real, that would never happen and that'symptom ( the symptoms started years and years ago) ". I'm sorry for mumbling on but theres one more thing, I haven't been diagnosed with ocd but I have litterly every single symptom, I have even suffered with HOCD tocd and schizo ocd. I know I shouldn't be self diagnosing myself but if I don't have ocd then I guess I'm just crazy...... I just don't know what to do!

[JGF25]

Sorry for the delay.  So you are just seeing your regular doc next month?  

[JGF25]

Hi there.  I'm sorry you can't see a psychologist because that is really the best option.  Having said that, you have obviously developed some coping skills on your own and that is great.  I think the big thing here is to fall back on past positive experiences.  You have had thoughts like this before and you got rid of them.  Right now you are overwhelmed and you think you can't get your life back but the reality is you can.  I tell myself all the time "If I can get better before then I can always get better" and that helps me to realize that my life will not always be like this.  IT WILL GET BETTER!  

Tushar has recommended a book for people with Pure-O thoughts so try to check it out okay?  

Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts: How to Gain Control of Your OCD by Christine Purdon.  I have not looked at this book myself but he battled with Pure-O and this book was obviously a big help to him.  

let me know what you think.  And BTW there isn't a person alive with OCD that hasn't thought that someone was going to come and cart them off to the loony bin.  But that is not reality and you need to get yourself out of the fictional world and back into the real one.  

[ocdanon]

Thank you for replying, I'll have to check out those books. I recently have been having an awful fear of being a satist/ sadist..... When I get thoughts that I am, my brain starts thinking of times I acted like one or even things that I do that would make me one! I have a doctors appointment next month, i hope I'll have the guts to tell my doc about this problem, one of the only problems is that my doctor will probably just think I'm self diagnosing and blow it off like its nothing. She did that once before.... I told her that I was having depersonalization and derealization and she just said 'ok', she never said anything about it again even though I was suffering extremely and was having panic attacks all day ( I still have dp/Dr but it has just become my way of living so it doesn't give me that much anxiety anymore)