Intrusive thoughts or real?????!!

[Anonymous098765]

I have had intrusive thoughts for almost a year now. I haven't been getting anxiety from them for a few months now. It's scary because I could think the most awful thing and it will lead to more awful things and I almost don't feel bothered at all. Basically, I love 'dark' photography, dark filters, taking photos of abandoned places or just taking a normal photo and making it 'darker' I love sfx makeup, obsessed with creepy things ECT. Basically I have been thinking ' what if I don't like beautiful photos because I'm a murderer?"( even tho I liked/loved bright and beautiful pictures) Ever since that thought, I have been feeling more and more like I can't like beautiful things because I'm  some psychopath! This thought has been giving me anxiety because its a fresh thought but still disturbing and I can't stand it. I keep getting a feeling like ( this might sound very dumb ) I don't want to change my theme on Instagram ( its a dark theme) because I'm crazy! Whenever I look at a beautiful picture I think and feel like i can't like it or I don't. This sounds very confusing and I probably sound looney to some but its true and whenever I think about it, it gives me anxiety. The way I got rid of my intrusive thoughts ( well I never did get rid of them ) was to just become numb to them I guess.... I really do not know what to do because I'm really starting to believe that I'm psycho and only like 'dark' things. Please help! :(

[Anonymous098765]

I'm supposed to be going to a psychiatrist but a part of my doesn't want to get help.... I have been in this mental state and been unhappy for so long that this had become a way of living plus I get more love when I have these issues :/  I know I sound stupid but its true. ..... I really do not know what to do.

[JGF25]

Let me tell you something about myself.  My OCD started when I was a teenager.  I'm now 51.  I spent some time on medication, off medication, on medication, and then I spent a good 10 years or so off medication.  I wasn't OCD free but I was able to manage it.  Then I had a really big setback and I couldn't control my thoughts no matter how much CBT I threw at them.  So I went back on medication.  I have been on it ever since and I still do sometimes have to use CBT but that's okay.  If I look at myself now and the years I struggled with OCD, I like my life much better now.  I think after a while you forget what it feels like to feel good.  You may have this problem as well.  You don't remember what your life is like and how good it is without OCD.  Also a psychiatrist is fine but I'm not sure they really teach cognitive behavioral therapy so you may want to discuss this with him/her.  Good luck!  :)

[JGF25]

Hi there.  You did really well in utilizing your "numb" coping strategy.  That is really where we all want to be which is a state of numbness to the thought.  We think it, we let it go rather than we think it, we analyze it, and we catastrophize it.  Is there any way you can see a psychologist so that you can get properly diagnosed and a treatment plan put in place?  This thought is not any different than any of the other thoughts you have had.  Just know that you 'got rid' of the other thoughts and so therefore you can get rid of this one too.  What is unfortunate for OCD sufferers is that we move from thought to thought and that is why professional help is key.