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ocd and hiv fears
I thought I might as well post on this forum as well. I just would like some support through this very difficult time. Please, read and offer as much support as you can, as I really need it.
I started getting obsessions about hiv 2 months ago. The anxiety was so intense that I decided to get tested. I went to a clinic and had 2 oraquick tests. (For those who don't know, they are tests that require swabbing your gums with a cotton stick and placing it in a solution. Results show in 20 minutes). I had no idea these types of tests even existed prior to my OCD.
The tests were both negative. My anxiety was still bad and so I bought an at-home oraquick test, which is the same one they use at the clinic but can be bought at the pharmacy. Again, I had no idea about this test until my OCD. This test was also negative! I felt very relieved. For a while...
THEN, my real nightmare started and it has not let up. I started thinking "what if the test was tampered with and infected me?" The cotton swab I used for my gums has 2 sides, and I can't remember if I looked at both sides or not. I know that I looked at one side and it did not have blood. However, I wonder "What if the woman at the clinic purposely injected HIV blood into the pad and then I used it right after? What if someone bought my home test before me, placed blood in it and then returned it? What if someone tampered with the test while manufacturing it?"
My MAIN concern at the moment is the woman at the clinic because the blood would have been fresh and given to me right after. I try to reassure myself by saying "the container was closed, you didn't taste any blood, most likely this woman wasn't a psychopath" but I start questioning everything. 'Are you sure the container was closed? She could have injected the blood through the plastic bag. The woman could have been evil. You can't remember checking both sides so there may have been blood on one side".
The fact that there's a possibility that my fears could be true is making this a living nightmare for me. I also found out that HIV testing has a 3 month window period, so if you think you may have gotten infected, you have to wait 3 months to get tested again. First of all, I was TERRIFIED of getting tested but my anxiety was so intense that I just did it. Now, with my current fears I am still terrified to get tested but now I don't even have the option to. I have to wait 3 months, which is so hard.
I can't eat, sleep (because my panic attacks wake me up), socialize, I can't focus on school and am currently not working so I'm basically at home alone all day obsessing and having panic attacks. I have Xanax but it is .25mg and the I take 2 of those when I'm having panic attacks but it doesn't help.
I do not recognize myself anymore. I feel so much guilt over ever getting tested & even more so for not making sure to check both sides of the swab, because if I did, I do not remember. I wish I could get some help. I can't afford therapy right now. I tried to go out and do normal things but ended up having panic attacks in public. This has gotten so so bad. Please any support is appreciated.
I started getting obsessions about hiv 2 months ago. The anxiety was so intense that I decided to get tested. I went to a clinic and had 2 oraquick tests. (For those who don't know, they are tests that require swabbing your gums with a cotton stick and placing it in a solution. Results show in 20 minutes). I had no idea these types of tests even existed prior to my OCD.
The tests were both negative. My anxiety was still bad and so I bought an at-home oraquick test, which is the same one they use at the clinic but can be bought at the pharmacy. Again, I had no idea about this test until my OCD. This test was also negative! I felt very relieved. For a while...
THEN, my real nightmare started and it has not let up. I started thinking "what if the test was tampered with and infected me?" The cotton swab I used for my gums has 2 sides, and I can't remember if I looked at both sides or not. I know that I looked at one side and it did not have blood. However, I wonder "What if the woman at the clinic purposely injected HIV blood into the pad and then I used it right after? What if someone bought my home test before me, placed blood in it and then returned it? What if someone tampered with the test while manufacturing it?"
My MAIN concern at the moment is the woman at the clinic because the blood would have been fresh and given to me right after. I try to reassure myself by saying "the container was closed, you didn't taste any blood, most likely this woman wasn't a psychopath" but I start questioning everything. 'Are you sure the container was closed? She could have injected the blood through the plastic bag. The woman could have been evil. You can't remember checking both sides so there may have been blood on one side".
The fact that there's a possibility that my fears could be true is making this a living nightmare for me. I also found out that HIV testing has a 3 month window period, so if you think you may have gotten infected, you have to wait 3 months to get tested again. First of all, I was TERRIFIED of getting tested but my anxiety was so intense that I just did it. Now, with my current fears I am still terrified to get tested but now I don't even have the option to. I have to wait 3 months, which is so hard.
I can't eat, sleep (because my panic attacks wake me up), socialize, I can't focus on school and am currently not working so I'm basically at home alone all day obsessing and having panic attacks. I have Xanax but it is .25mg and the I take 2 of those when I'm having panic attacks but it doesn't help.
I do not recognize myself anymore. I feel so much guilt over ever getting tested & even more so for not making sure to check both sides of the swab, because if I did, I do not remember. I wish I could get some help. I can't afford therapy right now. I tried to go out and do normal things but ended up having panic attacks in public. This has gotten so so bad. Please any support is appreciated.
If you feel that you have to test, then test. I hope it makes you feel better. I hope I'm wrong about it just keeping you in the OCD loop.
Thank you for the reply! As I messaged you, I am just looking to talk to people who are going through similar problems to help me get through this (at least help me get to the 3 month window period). Whether I decide to get tested or not at 3 months will be a decision I will have to make but I hate that I have to wait so long and it is very stressful.
Wow....well I can't say that I haven't been in your shoes because I have. Okay, first thing you need to know is OCD is a disorder surrounded by doubt. Even when we get the answer we are looking for we doubt and therefore cannot get closure on our thought. That is all we are looking for...closure. Something that will let us just forget about the thought.
Here is a good article about the things you need to do to overcome OCD:
http://www.wsps.info/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=82:ten-things-you-need-to-know-to-overcome-ocd&catid=0
The first thing you need to do is get the anxiety under control. You need to do some controlled breathing. Take a deep breath in through your nose, hold it for five seconds (you can count this out in your head), then let it all out through your mouth. Practice this laying down with your hands on your stomach. It is a good technique because you can do it anywhere and nobody will know. The second thing you can try is medication. Lots of good YouTube meditation videos.
Next is to learn cognitive behavioral therapy. The breathing is a part of it but you need to learn how to handle these thoughts when they come. Replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. Not letting yourself get caught up in the fiction that your brain is trying to sell you....("What-if") statements.
I can promise you that the oraquick test you took at the office did not give you HIV. HIV does not survive in the air. If it did, we would all have it. HIV survives in a host and in order to even get it the HIV had to get deep into the tissue to even have a chance to thrive. Here is a statistic for you. If you were an EMT and you poked yourself with an HIV tainted needle, you would have less than a 1% chance of seroconverting to HIV positive. It is not an easy virus to get. It is mostly transmitted through unprotected sex with a person who is HIV positive. The reason it transmits this way is because of the small tears that occur while having sex. Even with this scenario, the chances are not 100% that a person would become infected.
So let me ask you this...is there a scenario where you feel you could have become HIV infected using only those known methods of transfer that the CDC talk about?
Second, can you see a psychologist? I assume your GP has given you xanax? Klonopin lasts longer in the body than xanax but it takes longer to work...just an FYI. Also there are SSRIs that you can take to help you as well but I think the first and best starting point is a psychologist who teaches CBT. Then you go from there.
Also, here is a book to look at that deals with obsessional thinking OCD
Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts by Christine Purdon. A lot of people like this book and find it helpful.
Here is a good article about the things you need to do to overcome OCD:
http://www.wsps.info/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=82:ten-things-you-need-to-know-to-overcome-ocd&catid=0
The first thing you need to do is get the anxiety under control. You need to do some controlled breathing. Take a deep breath in through your nose, hold it for five seconds (you can count this out in your head), then let it all out through your mouth. Practice this laying down with your hands on your stomach. It is a good technique because you can do it anywhere and nobody will know. The second thing you can try is medication. Lots of good YouTube meditation videos.
Next is to learn cognitive behavioral therapy. The breathing is a part of it but you need to learn how to handle these thoughts when they come. Replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. Not letting yourself get caught up in the fiction that your brain is trying to sell you....("What-if") statements.
I can promise you that the oraquick test you took at the office did not give you HIV. HIV does not survive in the air. If it did, we would all have it. HIV survives in a host and in order to even get it the HIV had to get deep into the tissue to even have a chance to thrive. Here is a statistic for you. If you were an EMT and you poked yourself with an HIV tainted needle, you would have less than a 1% chance of seroconverting to HIV positive. It is not an easy virus to get. It is mostly transmitted through unprotected sex with a person who is HIV positive. The reason it transmits this way is because of the small tears that occur while having sex. Even with this scenario, the chances are not 100% that a person would become infected.
So let me ask you this...is there a scenario where you feel you could have become HIV infected using only those known methods of transfer that the CDC talk about?
Second, can you see a psychologist? I assume your GP has given you xanax? Klonopin lasts longer in the body than xanax but it takes longer to work...just an FYI. Also there are SSRIs that you can take to help you as well but I think the first and best starting point is a psychologist who teaches CBT. Then you go from there.
Also, here is a book to look at that deals with obsessional thinking OCD
Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts by Christine Purdon. A lot of people like this book and find it helpful.
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Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Condoms are the most effective way to prevent HIV and STDs.
PrEP is used by people with high risk to prevent HIV infection.
