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Is this HOCD :(

So im 16 years old male and suffered from HOCD (I think I have) about 6 months now. Little bit myself I have always liked girls never boys. I watch mostly watch lesbian porn sometimes straight. I have never got erection from gay porn. My crushes have been girls and have any feelings to boys until this HOCD came to my life. It was summer and I watched some "coming out" videos ( I dont know why Haha) it didnt bring any feelings or anxiety. But later that summer two of my mates, me and two girls were in pool and of my mates slap at one of the girls and I felt like nervous. ( I cant describe it better). It didnt get any feelings but when I drove back home and "am I gay" thoughts popped up my head because I didnt like the slap. I felt awful and I got anxious. I have had some better days when I felt nothing and days when I felt anxious. Every "gay" thing or thought made me feel anxious. Even at school when I wrote the letter "t" diffrent it made me feel gay (crazy right?). When I find out this HOCD about month ago I havent felt any anxiety which is good. I could relate some of the stories.
One day in my school I felt some weird feelings to a boy. I have to admit he is good-looking boy. It felt so real like a crush. I got very anxious about it and scared. I dont know what it was so can somebody explain it? (Please) But like couple of days I feel like weird to that boy. I watch him and try to see if I get same feelings but I wont. My brain like automatically turn my eyes away.( weird) I like his style and I would like to be him but nothing sexually.
Second question is that why my brain tries to find evidence from Past that Im gay? What is that?
I still love to watch girls and stuff. I would like to be Same teenager who I was last year so what should I do?
I dont want think boys like I didnt before. If you read all of these I appreciate that lot and if you Help me with this I would be so happy. And pardon my English im Finnish. I will answer to all questions that you have.
1 Responses
1699033 tn?1514113133
Hi there.  I've written this several times but I think whether we are gay or not is based in our genetics.  We don't wake up one day and become gay.  Who we are attracted to is hardwired in our genetic background.  For instance, if I see a good looking man, I don't have to think about it...my body just reacts.  Now if I see a good looking woman, my reaction is always one of comparison.  Do I look as good or I like her hair or I wish I had a body like hers....that kind of stuff.  

OCD is fighting a war with your own brain.  You say black and your brain says white.  What you need to learn is how to deal with the thoughts when they show up.  You have to give them no credit.  When you do that, when you take the fear away from the thought, it will go away.  

If you stood up right now and said "I'm gay" do you think you would want to run out and get a boyfriend?  If the answer is no, then you cannot be gay.  

Here is a bit more information about OCD in general and how you can overcome it.  

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