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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Community
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Is this HOCD or am I in denial???

I am a teenager worried about turning lesbian/bi. It started when my mom asked if I was gay, becuz I went up and bit her arm. I very mad because we're very close and she's even admitted that she would bit people when she was young (I'm nit joking about this b.t.w, I've always done this since i was young). My anxiety also triggered when I watch a coming out video of one of the youtubers and started questioning if that could be me too. Since then, I've been worried and a little anxious that I could be gay. I have nothing against homosexuals. I just prefer the Hetero lifestyle. Since I was young, I've always liked and fantasized about guys and never questioned my sexuality. I believe my family would accept me if I was gay, even though it wud be hard. I keep checking on the web to see if this is normal, and found i could be suffering from HOCD.I believe i have it, but i worry i could be in denial. Sometimes I watch porn and have felt aroused to lesbian porn, but i also get aroused by other porn.I've taken many sexuality quizzes and all my results were Hetersexual. My mind constantly thinks I could be lesbian, which I don't get nervous about anymore (it worries me that I don't get nervous about that), but I do feel uncomfortable and feel the need to push it out of my head. Sometimes, I feel like the way I sit or talk is gay, or if I dress a certain way, I feel the need to change it. I don't believe being a lesbian fits me, and if I happened to be with a girl, i would end up feeling more like friends than lovers.My family says I have a tendency to worry about stuff. Im nervous because I'm not as panicky like I use to be, and fear this is me accepting myself as a homosexual when i don't want that. I am currently crushing on a boy but I don't have intense feelings for him or get nervous around him which concerns me because I've read that other lesbians or bi people have dated guys in the past but haven't had intense feelings for them. Before this all happened, I was never concerned about this and my feelings for boys were so intense, but now my sex drive has kinda decreased. Let me emphasize that I hope this is something else and not me actually in denial of my homosexuality. The thing is being straight feels natural too me and I probably know deep down that I'm straight but my mind is trying to convince me that I'm not. Please be nice about it. I'm really worried!
1 Responses
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  First of all we don't wake up one day and become gay.  This is strictly a thought problem and more than likely OCD but you don't seem to have been formally diagnosed.  The first thing you need to do is stop checking.  The idea is to get to a state where the thought no longer bothers you.  If you can take the fear out of the thought it will go away.  So when you don't seem bothered by the thought, that is good and not something for you to further worry about.  If you continue down this road with the irrational thinking, then you should talk to your mom about seeing a psychologist.  You would then be properly diagnosed and a treatment plan can be put in place that would likely involve cognitive behavioral therapy.  
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