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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Community
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Avatar universal

Is this HOCD?

Hi everybody! I've been a reader of this website for quite some time and only now decided to join and tell my story. Maybe someone can related to it and in fact, I hope I'm not alone. Ever since I was a kid (I'm 25 yo male), I've been having "obsessions", if they can be called such, for example: I had to walk my dog precisely 3 times around the building, I had to visit WC 2 times before I go to sleep (1 before goin to bed, 1 after I'd lay down), I had to arrange my toys in the exact same way before I go to bed (cant really remember all of it). I had for some time a problem with checkin the oven and making sure the door is locked once I leave the flat. I count how many times I look at it and once I make myself believe that it is turned of (oven) or locked (door), I feel like I can move on. This still happens almost daily, unless I get drunk. Also when I walk in the street and step on something I always check if it wasnt some small animal, even if all the times I checked it was some garbage or rocks. There were also times when I was afraid I had a certain illness (most often cancer), and would constantly look online for symptoms to assure myself that I dont have it.
Another obsession that I always had was my body. As a kid I was skinny and tall. I've always thought that my lower half was "girly" and my upper half was not manly enough. Some girl who I was sitting next to in school has once said that my legs are girly. Since then I've felt anxious wearing tight jeans, and always tried to wear jackets in class, so my upper half would look manly enough (always had problem with teachers saying that I should take off my street wear in class lol). I never liked that my legs looked that way (if they actually did, as I cant see from another person's perspective). Because of this insecurity I constantly look in the mirror to reassure myself that I look good, and I look at it till I believe that I look good, or not and feel like crap afterwards (anxiety to go outside). Even when I pass a window with a good reflection value I still look at myself. As a kid I felt like I did something inappropriate, as mostly girls spend their time before a mirror and not guys, but they did that to look pretty and confident with guys (as I understand it), and I did it to feel confident with pretty girls.At the age of 15 I started working out in the gym, and even though I'm a lot more muscular and twice as big as I was before, I'm still somewhat insecure about my bottom. Because of the way I felt I looked, I was always shy around girls that I liked and never bothered asking one out until I was 17. My class was full of hot chicks and I dreamed and fantasized about them constantly. Since I was so shy and insecure, I found erotic content and later porn to be a relief from all my daily troubles. I started with late night TV programs, like playboy, which was amazing at that time, and when I got a PC and a fast interned connection, I began browsing porn websites quite often. Aside from PMO (porn, masturbation, orgasm) I also fantasized about girls that I knew. To my big happiness I later found tube websites, that contained full videos with pornographic content.
I was also socially anxious, as just walking pass a group of people sitting on a bench would be a tough job for me. I was afraid that people would find my body weird and would laugh, and because of this fear and belief that I didnt look good, I actually walked kinda funny. Several times I had people laughing at me (mostly bully types that can only be "true men" when they are in pack). Anyway, because of all this mess I even felt less than a man as I never   confronted anyone. I dont think I was afraid of being punched, but more of being ridiculed (when I was about 6-8 I remember being in fights and actually winning, so I didnt have trouble punching anyone and standing up for myself). I guess back then I was never afraid of what people think of me, or how I looked like.
After I was 17 I have my first sexual encounter with a girl and after she dumped me I started other relationships, which ended up not so well. The problem was, I would find a girl attractive and after we started dating, some time would pass (like a month) and I would lose all my attraction towards her, which would make me feel ****** and guilty. This happened 2 times. I always thought it was my porn addiction that made me want a "perfect" woman and feel less in need of a normal girl. I tried quitting porn many times. During my heavy porn "career" I had several times when I felt like I'm not attracted to girls (hopefully just hetero porn overuse), and such a phase would last for about 3 days or so. I even felt for some reason that I could be bisexual, even though I never had attraction towards guys, but was always admiring great muscles as I too wanted to have such.
Since I now knew that my attraction to girls I like only lasts for some time, I stopped dating for 4-5 years. I would come in contact with pretty girls and would always feel like crap afterwards knowing that I didnt make a move and believing that if I did I would feel insecure about myself and eventually go back to PC games and my dark porn corner of the house.
At 24 I decided to give up porn for good. I made my decision after reading that porn de-synthesizes you and makes you unable to connect with girls, as I believe was one of my problems. I really wanted to feel those butterflies in my stomach and interact with pretty girls without any fear, have a girlfriend that I would love with all my heart. Another huge factor that makes me abstain from PMO is frequent questioning about sexual orientation. I began having intrusive sexual thoughts about my friends, that gave my huge anxiety. I never got hard while thinking about guys, I never fantasized about having sex with dudes and I never had a desire to with a man. This whole year I've been studying online all kinds of questions relating to sexual orientation, only to assure myself that I am not gay. I believe I've browsed through the whole web, even made a file on pc with content that relieves me of anxiety. At first, I was really upset that I would never get a girl and the reason that I sucked at it my whole life was because I was gay all along. Then my fear escalated when in my mind I believed that I dont want my parents to freak out that I'm gay. But imagining the situation I now think that it is not the case. I even told my friends and my brother about intrusive thoughts and they didnt freak out. I moved to another county for work and when I arrived I saw so many hot chicks that I got depressed even more. I felt - if I cant get atleast one of these gorgeous women, there's no reason to live. And yes, since the beginning of these unwanted thoughts, I have thought of suicide many times. I just now that I would never do it as I want to live, want a wife and kids, want to be a real man, and my goal in life so far is exactly that - get back on my feet and start living like a true man, and not as that sissy who throughout his puberty felt like he was not enough to pursue his dreams, ask a beautiful girl out and bed her (sorry if this sounds sexist).
ATM I've cut drammatically on porn use. I've relapsed many times, but I always stand up and proceed. Today is day 9 since last PMO. I feel sort of numb and I almost think I lost that feeling of lust for women. I really hope that feeling will come back and so will the feeling of love for women, which along with the unwanted intrusive thoughts, is the main reason I'm quitting porn. I really hope that after this hell is over, I will finally fall in love with a girl, have genuine feelings for her and be a man that I always wanted to be. The articles that I've read state that social anxiety decreases and your brain gets rewired to feel lust for normal girls, be confident with them after you quit your porn addiction.
3 Responses
Avatar universal
Anyway, this is my story. Thanks for reading it, and if you have some suggestions, or can support or relate in some way, I'll be more than happy to read your thoughts. Also, can anyone tell if what I was suffering throughout my life is OCD or am I just kidding myself, thinking that it is, while it is something else. Thank you all.
9784446 tn?1421340646
you are suffering from ocd from your childhood and now you are getting obsessions about being gay, ocd will keep on switching from one problem to another, so it is better to consult a psychiatrist, and also look for a therapist who will teach you cognitive behavior therapy which is very effective in ocd
Avatar universal
Thanks for helping me understand one thing man. Yesterday I was thinking and fantasizing a lot about this girl I like, and HOCD thoughts disappeared. But instead of them came this unwanted obsession about my health. Basically I've already encountered this before, but since my mind was so preoccupied with all this gay crap, I've forgotten that when one fear subsides another comes in, and OCD loves it.... Thanks a lot for your reply.
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