IS THIS HOCD OR HAVE I BEEN IN DENIAL MY WHOLE LIFE? :(

[maymay162]

I hope I am posting in the right place. I am going through serious doubt and depression and to be honest I've almost given in and accepted depression.

I am a 20 year old female and seriously questioning if I'm gay..or even maybe bi-sexual. I hate this so much and I cry and cry everytime.
I've only started questioning this about a week ago and so far it's taking over me to the point that I have to extend my university deadlines and I am starting to avoid ALL female friends...especially those that I'm not close to, for fear that I will become attracted to them.

I guess you could say I started being 'sexual' from the age of around 5. I experimented with my best friend at the time who was a boy. I think we touched eachother privately but I never really understood what it meant. I carried on with my life and developed crushes when I was in elementary school. These were all on boys. Then, when I was about 11 and moved into secondary school I also had crushes on guys...never girls. I had A LOT of female friends...I was very girly...but I only saw them as friends and I never readily made friends with boys, I always found it easier to make friends with girls because I guess I could relate to them better.
One day, me and one of my female friends discovered an online chat room. I was about 12 at the time and we used to just use it to talk to boys...BOYS BOYS BOYS.

THEN...there was the major turning point. I discovered PORN. I regret that day because maybe I would not be in this situation if I hadn't come across it. The first porn I watched was lesbian porn...which I came across by complete accident!! :(
I remember at first being disgusted...then intrigued maybe? After that I started watching porn..not everyday but here and there. I would get extremely turned on by straight porn and sought after it the most...but I would still get turned on by lesbian porn (hate my life). I carried on going on chat rooms from about the age of 12-15 talking to boys mostly.
But I think the lesbian porn started making me curious about girls I'm not sure what it was.
I started talking to a few girls on the chatrooms and to this day I can't remember what I said to them but I do remember talking to them, being curious or whatever.
During this time I was still primarily sexually attracted to boys...in REAL LIFE (away from the chat rooms and the porn) I was only attracted to males. I only ever pursued males, I only ever wanted to be with males. I had numerous 'online' boyfriends which I liked having.

Around when I was 16 I stopped watching porn as much and quit all the chatrooms. I had my first serious boyfriend at that time and we were together for 2 years. We were in love.t felt right. After this, I had another boyfriend who I genuinely loved for about 8 months. And then after him...another boyfriend that lasted or about a year (who I thought I was going to marry).
Up till this point I NEVER questioned my sexuality and I confidently ticked the 'straight' boxes in questionnaires.
I had my life planned out...I was going to meet the man of my dreams, marry him and have beautiful kids. I never had crushes on girls in real life...however I still did get aroused by lesbian porn but I rarely got aroused by girls in real life.
I went to an all girls school from 16-18 which sparked nothing. I always knew I was straight.

It was only last week when I was watching lesbian porn and then the thought "Does this make me gay?" Popped into my head. AFTER THAT I HAVE BEEN SPIRALLING into depression and anxiety. I started question EVERYTHING ..I can't hang out with my friends anymore for fear that I will be attracted to them. I started to remember the past...the chatrooms when I was 13/14 ..that plus the lesbian porn is HAUNTING ME. I can never be happy with a girl but my mind keeps telling me "You're in denial" "How do you explain what you did in the past then?"
"How do you explain why you got aroused by lesbian porn?"
I have never experimented with a girl in real life and never wanted to. Before this questioning I HAD EVEN FORGOT ABOUT MY PAST...I forgot it. Now it's coming back to HAUNT me.

All my life I've pretty much mostly been attracted to guys, wanted them physically and emotionally...I would want their attention. Now my mind is messing with me. The anxiety had made me lose my attraction to them and start noticing more girls and feeling anxious. I hate myself for my past. I don't want to be bi-sexual or gay. I never planned to end up with a female. But my mind is messing me up.
It keeps telling me 'you like girls now'
It keeps making me have homosexual thoughts and I hate it. It's making me think that I am in denial and there are even some days I don't have much anxiety and then I just accept that I'm gay/bisexual.
It's even started obsessing about females...my female friends ...thoughts that I have NEVER had which have just started making me feel anxious.

I feel that there is no hope. I want to be with a man. But my HOCD feels so real and it is driving me crazy. No matter how many times I tell myself I am NOT gay/bi...my mind just uses the porn and the past against me. I can't win.

I've even started to notice the groinal responses, the testing myself..I've had enough and I don't know what to do! It's like my brain keeps telling me "you're probably going to end up with a girl" ...and it freaks me out and makes me wanna cry.


I also used to hug my female friends, used to sleep in the same bed with them at sleepovers and what nots all without feeling anything. NOW I feel like I can't do that anymore. I remember that two girls in my school came out as ' Bi-sexual', I never related to then though...even when I went to a girls school there were some lesbians but I didn't identify myself with them.

I Feel that I just want to go back to my life the way it was when all I cared about was boys...being in love with boys and forgetting about any past curiousities I have had. But I feel that I can't be the same any more. My mind is making me feel that I can't be with boys anymore and it's even started to all those 'groinal responses' and 'false attraction' feel SO REAL. And it's using my past to make me feel like I'm in denial. Please help me

Before I had so many female friends, loved them like sisters & nothing more. Now my brain picks a different one each day to have obsessive and disturbing thoughts about them. I used to love making new friends (male or female) now I don't even feel like I can make NEW female friends because of the state that I am. I will probably think I am getting attracted to them or my brain will keep telling me "you probably like this person" :( before this I used to admire pretty females (strictly admiration and I KNEW it was strictly admiration) ...now I can't do that anymore it makes me scared and then it makes me convince myself I am gay or bi-sexual. Anybody my brain thinks is remotely pretty ..I avoid, I look away...but before this, appreciating pretty girls wouldn't bother me or make me question anything. In fact, I used to envy them or or wanted to have pretty friends because it boosted my ego (if that makes sense)

As I have said, most..if not ALL of my friends are female and so I'm feeling very lonely now because I'm avoiding females at the moment. How can I go back to my normal self again? I feel hopeless almost like I've accepted my fate.
And the fact that it feels like I have accepted my fate doesn't even make me feel anxious anymore. It just makes me depressed :(

I've stopped porn completely by the way.

[Nugentis]

JGF25 is a genius keep listening to her, sounds like she's got you on the right track

[JGF25]

Counter those negative statements with positive statements of fact.  You are going to be okay and I am glad that you are starting counseling on Friday.  It will make the world of difference in your life.  

[maymay162]

BUMP!

[maymay162]

Right now im feeling so numb. I don't know WHAT to feel or WHAT to do anymore, I almost feel like giving up and saying "oh Iike women now"...but i can't! it wasn't my life before i started questioning things

I'm seeing a counsellor on friday but PLEASE HELP.

[maymay162]

my problem is that my hocd is convincing me that I like my friends….it generally does this to all my female friends but it is stronger with this person. It’s like she is the face of my hocd.

I don’t understand. It’s like my mind keeps telling me “you like her” ..”You fancy her”..which I don’t understand because before the hocd I was friends with this person and never even thought about them that way…..in fact I NEVER thought of ANY of my female friends that way.

But it feels soooo real. My brain keeps bringing up images of her in my head…and then tells me “You keep thinking about her therefore you like her” … I’m scared if I keep thinking about it I will start believing it to be true it will therefore prove I am gay/ bi sexual.
How do I stop this??!!
Also, since we are both doing a catwalk fashion show for my university, I am going to have to regularly see her in rehearsals…and I will also be surrounded by many other females. I’m soo scared I will just start liking her…or liking someone else
This is freaky it feels soo real!! Help!!

[Zamyou]

Well i too used to be into gay porn and had some gay fantasies but i was only attracted to girls and have only had sex with them.. during my HOCD and before that i got off to gay porn but was primarily into straight stuff.. trust me ur brain can be wired to get off to stuff and the anxiety of not being straight enough might kill the straight fantasies as long as ur anxious..
But after my HOCD ended, i have no jacked to gay stuff somehow it just doesnt appeal anymore.. it might also just be a certain context in lesbian stuff u like, that straight porn just lack of.. but still you would not be interested in the women per-se, only a specific thing in the action.. you being afraid of this proves you have not intention of getting involved with women.. trust me, sexuality doesnt always reflect to ur real wishes..  

[JGF25]

Here are some books you can look up...

Brain Lock
Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani

Also, here is a breathing technique that you can use anywhere at any time to help calm yourself down.  Take a deep breath in through your nose, hold it for 5 seconds and count this out in your head, then let it all out through your mouth.  Try this at first lying down with your hands on your stomach.  

The self-coaching entails you countering your mind.  So if your mind says "You like her" you say "NO, NOT GOING THERE, ENOUGH" or "I LIKE GUYS, END OF STORY" and then busy yourself with something.  Stress makes things worse and since you are still doing your University stuff, I'm sure you are stressed.  

We don't wake up one day and become gay.  If you don't see yourself in a relationship with a woman, then you cannot possibly be gay.  If you said out loud "I'm Gay" would you want to run out and get a girlfriend and jump into bed with her?  If not, then you cannot possibly be gay.  

[maymay162]

No I'm not a Virgin. I have had about 4 sexual partners and all have been male....and I have loved it!!! I don't know why my mind is making me believe I like girls now and my mind is beggininning to choose girls to obsess over! I try and fight it but it uses my past against me which I completely forgot about until all of this.

Literally want to go back to my normal self two weeks ago!! It was only two weeks ago that I was obsessing over whether I should stay in my relationship or whether I like two guys at the same time ...now THIS came out of the blue!!
Any advice whilst I wait to see my counsellor???

[shahbazshams]

understand that your mind is messing with you.......  the urge with within you is taking roots..... don't think about that... think something else.......
and also, an important question, are you a virgin? this question is very important in shaping up your psychology.....

[shahbazshams]

http://shahbazshams.blogspot.in/2013/12/feeling-guilty.html

[maymay162]

Hi, thanks so much for your reply! I am booked to see a counsellor and a doctor but not until a few months as the UK system is very slow.

Do you have any tips to help me cope meanwhile?? I am trying to do my university work but i cant even bring myself to.

However, recently it has gotten worse as it has picked out one of my friends to obsess over. As in, when I think of HOCD I picture this girl....when I think of my other female friends I also get pangs of anxiety. Its like my brain is convincing me that I have a crush on them??

Its all just too much and its starting to feel TOO real :(

[JGF25]

Hi there.  Well all I can say is the mind is very powerful and sometimes when we say black it says white.  You have to learn to ignore the thoughts or really just let them wash over you like they mean nothing at all.  This takes some training.  Since you are pretty much done in by this and it does sound like depression has set in, it is time to see a psychologist so that you can learn cognitive behavioral therapy.  Make sure they teach CBT before you pick a p-doc.  

Porn is stimulating no matter what kind it is.  Sometimes the same old same old gets boring.  If I were to watch regular porn (which usually has girl on girl action in it) and I were to have an orgasm on the girl part, does that make me gay?  No it does not.  It is the content as a whole that turns me on.  

In any event, get rid of all the triggers in your life.  Don't do any testing for groinal responses because you know what will happen.  You will be sitting there saying to yourself "did I like it...did I feel something...was it real...was it not...am I imagining it...and on and on and on.  It all just become exhausing.  See a doctor because this is treatable with the right help.  

[maymay162]

Please someone help me out PLEASE!