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OCD > Anxiety > Depression!? Please tell me what's wrong with me...

Hey, so first post on this website. I think it's great I can get feedback from people who understand these illness's. Anyways, I have a bit of a problem, and I'm going to try and communicate it to you guys as I would through my internal voice. (Sorry this is so long)

So I'm 18. Just graduated high school. I consider myself brilliant. Okay, not book-smart, because I was always too distracted and anxious from bullies, fitting in, etc. to actually focus on classes. I graduated with a 1.75 GPA. However, if you sat me down next to Stephen Hawking and told me to have an intellectual conversation about the universe, I would leave him with dozens of questions. I am a brilliant writer, and seem to think a lot more in-depth than most of my peers.
  Well, it all started when I was in middle school. I guess I wanted to be the funny kid so I started acting weird as sh*t. Talking in a weird, high (I wonder how many 0.0-calories it took me to type that comma) pitched voice that made everyone giggle. I liked to make people laugh, and started making weird noises and faces too. It made me feel popular, but I knew I wasn't being myself. I did get bullied because of this by some people. I always felt extremely awkward when talking to teachers because I knew I had to be serious but I wanted to keep this mask on as this funny, weird kid that most everyone got a good laugh at. Anyways, after middle school I got into high school and realized "Damn, I was literally acting like I had a mental retardation." But new school, new me, right? I am, and I in no way intend to sound like a cocky dou*he, am a very good looking guy. I have a beautiful facial structure. All the girls thought I was hot. So, to impress them over the summer, I wanted to get a rock hard body. I had always been a little chubby, and made fun of for that, so I wanted to do a complete transformation. Long story short, I developed anorexia, and studied my calories, thought about calories all day, what actions I should do to burn more, etc, etc. I was completely obsessed.

Keep in mind, I am well aware I have OCD. Up until the age of 15 (anorexia) it has never been much of a problem and I didn't mind the rituals. Rituals included locking all doors at night, using the restroom before I ate, sometimes monitoring my blinking, but never seemed to interfere with my daily schedule.

Back on topic, I moved after freshman year, and went to a new school. I got a girlfriend, and was considered a "playa". I guess you could say I suffer from BDD, but I just loved the attention I was getting. I didn't really know how to act properly, or how to conform with peers because I hadn't really been myself for so long. After my girlfriend and I ended it, I kinda just became a wallflower during school, not really talking to anyone or getting involved in anything because no one really liked me (or so it seemed). I was always wondering what people thought of me and always had my eye open to if people were looking at me or talking about me. It kinda turned into a depersonalization/third person mindset where whenever I talked to someone I would be in their shoes, looking at myself talk. I would get all anxious and go mind blank sometimes and they would just.. just laugh at me. It killed my self esteem. Anyways, in order to "self medicate" I started smoking weed about every night for a year straight (maybe a little over) straight. It was the only thing I could feel like I could use to escape my anxiety-ocd filled life. After a while, I started having these weird anxiety attacks when going to bed and felt extremely hopeless and suicidal so I went to the doctors. I told my psychiatrist that everything kinda seems like it's in a fog, and I really don't have a reason to be depressed. I'm in community college, and have a part time job. It seems like I'm doing everything right. He prescribed me prozac, and diagnosed me with Major Depression. A few weeks ago I got my 20mg raised to 40mg and do feel a little better, but don't wanna be on anti depressants for more than a year or so. I feel like this is a mental block that somehow I need to get over, without medication. I saw a therapist, all she did was nod her head and twitched her eyes. Didn't really help, I just kinda said what was bothering me.

I have overactive senses, meaning that if I see something out of the corner of my eye, especially when I go out in public, I seem to over focus on everything that ISN'T important. Like I can't stay focused on what I need to be. If I did, I'd be living a brilliant life, and succeeding, being as happy as ever. (That bird chirping in the background is so bothersome as I write this.)

Back to how I started going downhill, and sorry this isn't a very organized post, my thoughts get jumbled up a lot and I'm trying to write this quickly. But I started partying and drinking and smoking cigarettes because I wanted to fit in, but it wasn't really me. It's not what I felt made me happy. Oh, I also got a HUGE dragon tattoo on my side, and a tattoo on my arm that says "Never stop dreaming". Complete impulses. I've been made fun of for these too. I plan to get them removed, but as of now, whenever I wake up in the morning I look at them and regret them so much. I know I can't do anything about them now, and realize I'll never be perfect, but I feel like I got them in the midst of my depression and they trigger my thoughts for the day. It's like I track the movements of my arm so people won't see them, even when I wear a long sleeved shirt. Like my mind goes to my arm. It's weird.

Now I spend the days I have off sitting at home, over thinking, with my jumbled thoughts that I'll end up like my OCD alcoholic grandfather who passed away when he was fifty, or my aunt who is hooked on prescription pills and thinks she lives with imaginary men in her house who steal her money. I live with my mother and father, and my mother supports me the most. I've tried telling her that these little, silly, pointless things bother me but she just says "You gotta fight the thoughts off." Well, I wish it was that damn easy. They just keep coming back, no matter how hard I try. What can I do? Btw, I've stopped smoking marijuana for about a month now, and am trying to do things I enjoy (videogames, homework, etc.) I'm going to quit cigs this October and start exercising. But these tattoos still bother me. Funny thing is, I've had them for about two years and they didn't start bothering me up until like 8 months ago. All my psychiatrist says is "OH HARDY DAR LET ME INCREASE YOUR PROZAC AND CAN I RECOMMEND THIS OTHER DRUG!?" He doesn't seem to really care, just prescribe meds. I know I have to be active and do stuff, but I want to be able to have a lazy day where I can do nothing at all and not feel so depressed. I've had suicidal thoughts, but I know I'd never act on it. I have too much going for me. It's like now, all of my thoughts are negative and I hate it. They build up whenever I try and focus and cram my thought process. Sometimes I'll have like five minutes where everything is alright, but it's like a foggy five minutes because I know I'll be back at these thoughts in no time. These extremely unwanted, bothering thoughts. I just want to be like my friends, who are able to be open and happy, go out and laugh about getting f*cked up last night.

Like I said, I never used to always be like this... and I don't mind living with OCD as long as it's not controlling my life. I don't think I have a depression problem, I think my anxiety and OCD is so strong it created depression. I want to be able to look forward to waking up, not look forward to going to bed, for that is when I have a chance to get a break from all of this. I just want my beautiful soul to be freed from this evil mind...

Do you think this will last forever? Please tell me it will get better... Any advice? I'm not really sure what to do right now.. thank you...
3 Responses
9784446 tn?1421337046
well u have written a very long post, some symptoms look like ocd , but u have not clearly mentioned which intrusive thoughts trouble u , if there are no intrusive thoughts present then it can be clinical depression rather than ocd.

And regarding treatment all mental illness are completely treatable, for ocd cognitive behavior therapy with medication works best and for beating depression u have to follow a daily schedule for keeping ur self busy, wake up early, go to sleep early, do some productive work rather than sitting ideal, u can read autobiographies of people who have beaten mental illness and achieved things in life. john nash  has received  noble prize in economics while suffering from schizophrenia

u can practice yoga,meditation,these things will calm ur mind

u will see the results after u start changing urself, nothing is immpossible
1699033 tn?1514113133
I wrote a long post and then my computer froze...I hate that.  

Anyway, I wonder whether you also have undiagnosed ADD.  It would account for your inability to focus, your low GPA, etc.  It is not unheard of to have both ADD and OCD.  Even people with Tourette's are known to have OCD sometimes.  So these comorbid disorders are not uncommon.  As you have seen you developed anorexia as well so there is another thing on the list.  Something to perhaps talk to your psychologist about.  If you feel you are a bright person then I'm sure you are.  GPA does not always determine how smart a person is if they have something like ADD.  My son has ADHD.  

And as far as your psychologist goes, are you going to see him/her again?  You didn't seem impressed but honestly this is the person you need to be seeing so you can learn cognitive behavioral therapy.  If you feel you didn't hit it off with him/her, then find another person.  It is important for you to feel comfortable with your therapist.  But remember the first sessions are really getting to know one another so don't expect to get too far initially.  

As for the psychiatrist...they are not as good with listening.  They really are good for the medication and that is why they press the meds.  Medication is good.  If I remember correctly from your post (it was long) you did get a bump up and that it is helping somewhat??  Do I have that right?  

I think you need some more indepth therapy to tease out what you have going on. You are yo-yoing back and forth from being confident to having low self-esteem.  All I can tell you is that you need to continue with therapy and the medication for now until you really get a handle on CBT and then if you want you can try it without medication.  Also, perhaps some ADD medication would help as well as long as you are diagnosed with ADD.  

Keep us informed.  Take care.  
1699033 tn?1514113133
Oh and forgot to mention that I'm glad you have decided to stop smoking pot.  I know it helps.  My son says the same thing but the reality is in the long run it does damage the brain in irreversible ways.  
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