Avatar universal

OCD fear of herpes has control over my life

I've had OCD from a young age, but it was never bad. Until last September I had a 2 week fear that I had accidentally given my teacher H/W that had something personal written on the back, like a diary page. I'd never had a fear that long before. Anyway I am ashamed as I did something stupid. That October I saw a show on TV, they asked people what they used to masturbate and a surprising amount  of people said a toothbrush! So... I was stupid enough to try it. I remember before I used it thinking I would look it up first to check if it was okay to do, so that I wouldn't feel OCD after it. I looked it up and lots of people had asked about it or said they had done it, so I figured it'd be all right. So I attempted to clean the TB before I used it -- my luck, we were out of soap. Water was only coming out the tap lukewarm. But I figured it'd be alright at the time I thought if toothbrushes were dirty people wouldn't be putting them in their mouth right? (IDIOT that I am.)

-So I use the TB, only externally, take a bath like 20 mins later. Things are fine.
- 2 days later, take another bath, I feel a spot that felt quite big kept trying to see it in the mirror but couldn't see anything there, just felt it. It seemed to painlessly pop in the bath and I freaked out about it. It left no lesion or anything. But because I freaked out I then used a whole bunch of body wash down there. Bad idea seeing as i'm prone to thrush. But it never stung or anything like I think it would have if I had herpes? And this is when allllllll the problems started and it allllll went spiralling down.

- I get itching (probably from the soap.) and excess discharge (I think.) So I go to the doc's, I tell her about the spot, not the toothbrush. She says it was prob nothing if it just went away and gave me an external cream for thrush.
- Our families TB's all sit in the same pot and sometimes would touch, something I forgot at the time. (I threw mine away after I used it there btw.)-- I notice mum has a scab on her lip! Question her about it, she says she sees small white spots on her lips close up in the mirror and she picked one and it scabbed over. This made me freak out more.
- I used the cream fine for about a week then I suddenly seemed to have a reaction -- the area I applied it started to itch badly and burn, I had a sudden excess of discharge despite the fact the cream was only used externally? A small bump appeared there, that was painless and not hard that's still here a year later.
- I go back to the doctors they say they see no bump - give me diflucan.
- Diflucan doesn't seem to be helping - I got to the GUM clinic, tell her about the TB She does a internal swab that hurt in one place when she did it, so I start thinking oh god I must have herpes in there. She refuses to test for herpes because I'm a virgin. Says she thinks I have BV by the pH.
-Test comes back neg for thrush, yeast etc. Symptoms seem to decrease on their own.
- Go back to doctors, get given antibiotics for BV which then seemed to cause thrush;
- I get a lot of bleeding one night after masturbation, like a mini period.
- go back to the doctors, doctor gives me thrush pessary. I tell him I think I'm allergic to one of the ingredients cause I had a reaction to that cream. He said it should be fine.
- I use it and hallelujah, the symptoms are gone! Got a small amount of yellow discharge when I used it that then left by itself in a few days. Things seem back to normal.
- But then :( staying at a friends -- period starts, I only have scented pads in my bag. White discharge returns with itching.
- I go back to doctors get given the same pessary again, use it. This time the discharge stayed yellow. I had yellow discharge for months -- doctors keep giving me fluconazole/diflucan that doesn't seem to help.
- One doctor does a swab internally and it didnt hurt like at the GUM clinic but I don't think she swabbed as far in as they did at the GUM clinic, doctor decides to try look inside with one of those duck beak shaped things but because I'm a virgin it was too uncomfortable and she ended up stopping. It wasn't painful, just not comfortable.
- She gives me another diflucan anyway and I take it and this time the discharge seemed to stop. But because the flucanazole/diflucan never worked before -- I assume it to be a coincidence and that the discharge stopped on its own.

A month free of yellow discharge and I get brown spotting mid cycle. I thought mum must've set me off because she started her period early and we always get them at the same time. After the spotting stops -- the yellow discharge is back! Woe is me! I look down there, all I see is excess discharge that looks thrush or yeast like. I look again and notice a small cut on that skin that covers your bits where the pubic hair grows but it wasn't where the hair grows the cut was on the inner edge. I wasn't sure if it was a cut or a tiny spot. The cut wasn't painful at all or itchy.

I then take a bath, and because I can't use soap I rubbed down there trying to clean it. When I came out the bath I was fine, then I checked again and started to itch in one specific place (not where the cut was but on the same side down there). The itching stopped. The next day I decided to look again, and the itching started again. This time the itching stayed but it wasn't a constant itch it would fade and then come back etc. I thought I would prove to myself I had herpes by causing a full blown outbreak and did things that I knew caused OB's in some people -- tried to cause friction -- nothing. Drank Mtn. Dew knowing it was high in caffeine -- forgot it was also high in sugar and would also make a yeast infection worse. But however, itching increased slightly after the mtn dew, but no sores etc. Had some pinching which freaked me out but it wasn't in the same location as the itching.

My period comes late by 5 days -- itching goes away -- discharge goes away. Still not off my period yet so I don't know if the yellow discharge is still there. But I'm freaked out for a year I have been unable to stop thinking about herpes due to my OCD but also due to my own stupid actions. I feel like if I didn't have all these other things that keep happening down there I could get over it. But in my mind I have herpes! Whenever I google herpes even with different terminology all the links are purple because I've read them all before! Does it sound like herpes? Or am I making links where there are none? I feel ashamed and disgusting for the TB thing! I'm tired of reading conflicting things online "you can't get herpes from an inanimate object, it only lives 2 secs outside the body.", "of course you can get herpes from inanimate objects" :( I think about herpes every hour of every day. I've had to start seeing a psychologist for my OCD but when I get symptoms of things I always think HERPES! Maybe it is? I don't know. :( I'm so afraid. I've shook before from the fear, when thinking of herpes.
3 Responses
Avatar universal
I've never had an lesions or pain when urinating.
Avatar universal
i had the exact same fear as you but now its worse i think because now im afraid of hiv. herpes is nothing. do you realize so many people have it and either dont know or just have it? dont worry about herpes. trust me
Avatar universal
by the way, the pictures that you see online are worst case. try not to look stuff up. i hope things get better for you though. because i can totally relate to everything you said.
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