Please, I am desperate for answers!

[extremely_depressed]

What I'm about to say is extremely embarassing and I have been holding this secret in for years. I can no longer cope with it, I feel disgusted, ashamed, and very depressed because of it. Also, I post this in the OCD forum because a few people say that my situation sounds a bit like it could be related to OCD.

Anyway, when I was 12 years old I was going through a phase where I was discovering my sexuality. I remember one night my cat was sleeping in my bed with me and he was being very cuddly and affectionate, and next thing I knew I began rubbing it against my bare groin to pleasure myself (who does that??!!!) About a year later I realized what I had done, and I was so disgusted with myself I spiralled into a deep depression. Things got better but I am now 23 and recent events have triggered this memory again. I now am incredibly depressed and have even been suicidal. I can't seem to forget this incident, or forgive myself. I should mention that I am a normal person! I am NOT attracted to animals, and this incident never happened again. I am currently a pharmacy student, i'm bright and educated, I have a good family and friends, and a wonderful boyfriend whom i've been with for six years. Other than this incident, I had a good childhood; my parents are great people and I have not been sexually abused, as I know many of you may think this is the root cause of my issues.

I have had talks with two different therapists and they both said there was nothing wrong with what I did, I was just a curious young girl. However, I can't seem to hold on to what they tell me. I think I would like to get the opinion of the general public.

First of all, was rubbing it agains my groin considered sex? I am sooooo terrified that it was. At the time I didn't think that's what I was doing! I think I was just tring to masturbate. Both therapists have told me that no, it was not sex, or bestiality. But I am still very depressed and upset. My biggest concern is that I feel like a fraud. I'm constantly thinking: "what if my boyfriend knew? or my friends knew what I did when I was a child"? I feel guilty and that they would think I am a disgusting person if they knew, even though it happened when I was a child!! Am I overreacting? Is this something I should be concerned about (as in my boyfriend or friends knowing??) PLEASE PLEASE help me, I can't stop crying and I feel like my life isn't worth living because of this stupid thing I did as a kid. Is this really so abnormal to 'experiment' when you are a kid? I've heard that masturbating with objects and stuffed animals isn't considered abnormal for children, so could a pet really be any different?? .

[tals05]

First of all please don't feel like you have done ANYTHING wrong . You were 12 ? This age is before you were a teenager and as everyone says still a KID what goes in on our mind when we are a kid are some wacky stuff some insane stuff and some imaginative and creative things and sometimes just stupid things ! We all have Been through that stage as a kid where we did not know what to do or how to react, second of all you have some brave guns coming out and sharing with us your situation. Please remember your not alone and we our in this together ! Keep me posted and take care .

Tals05

[extremely_depressed]

Hey Hillsy,

Thanks so much for sharing this. Knowing that other people did weird things as kids makes me feel so much better. Don't worry about the suicidal thing, I no longer feel THAT depressed, and I would never harm myself. Just wanted to describe how terrible I was feeling. I really am starting to think I may have OCD, although it's weird because I don't feel like I obsess over other things in life. Maybe I do and I just don't realize it. But I guess these are things to discuss with my therapist. Again, thanks so much for your input.

[Hillsy69]

My OCD has caused me to obsess and question many things I've done right or wrong, weird or normal, I used to obsess over them wondering if they meant there was something wrong with me. A lot like what you're doing to yourself. I want to state again like so many posters above, no this was not sex, yes 12 is a child and a time of curiosity and hormones raging as we discover ourselves sexually during puberty.I applaud you for being able to share this! I dealt with so much guilt and shame for years I couldn't even tell my therapist about the things I obsessed over (some things so silly no one else would think twice about them). Maybe this will help you see how others had these kinds of experiences during puberty exploring their sexuality. My sister and I are a year apart and shared a room growing up. When I was 12, she was 11, I saw her do something kind of sort of similar to what you describe. Not exactly the same, but I don't want to get into too much detail, partly because I hardly remember it! Until you post I forgot all about it and hadn't thought of it in at least 15 years. Confused about what was happening to my body at the time, I never really thought anything of it. I asked her about it once I think, and forgot about it shortly after. Back then she was embarassed that I saw her, but I know she's not thinking about that today. Many of us did "weird" things discovering our sexuality, I know I did. You didn't hurt anyone or the cat, I think the thought replacement mentioned above is a good idea. Since you're already in therapy I'd talk to my therapist about how to deal with obsessing over this event. Also, if you are feeling suicidal, YOU NEED TO CALL YOUR THERAPIST RIGHT AWAY OR CALL 911!!! You have a long, wonderful life ahead of you, you can't let a little childhood memory mess with that. Death is permanant, who knows, you may forget all about this soon! It may be very temporary, as a matter of fact with help from your therapist I wouldn't be suprised if soon it didn't bother you anymore.

[miss_vee]

u were yung its ok

[Angie_therapist]

Yes a 12 year old is a child, it is as all the others said, a time in life for experimentation. I imagine many other people have also experimented one way or another. If you do think you are anxious, you could ask for help with it from your GP. Quicker than you think, this old thought can naturally fade away.  

[JGF25]

Yes...12 is really a child and that is when all the hormones are starting to kick into gear.  When this thought pops into your head you need to learn to replace it with something positive such as what people have told you on here or what your therapist has told you.  "It was not sex"  If you think about it, I mean really think, do you think you are the only one that has ever done this?  I bet you would find the number of people staggering.  

You sound like you have a great life ahead of you.  Replace those negative thoughts with positive ones and eventually the negative ones will just stop showing up.  :)  

[extremely_depressed]

Thanks to all of you for replying. I think I likely have underlying depression or anxiety which is inhibiting me from letting this go. Why I have chosen to focus on this incident I am not sure. I think I have this obsession with honesty and being perfect. I want to let this go in the worst way, trust me. I wish I could just forget but I can't. I like when people tell me I'm being ridiculous and that I am over-thinking this. It doesn't offend me but rather helps me to "snap" out of my current thinking. I'm also having a hard time telling myself that it wasn't sex. Is 12 really a child though, was this an acceptable act for a 12 year old

[hmcombs0206]

First off, the psychologist is right. You were young and you were experimenting. There is nothing wrong with you. It happens. Do not let this discourage you. Forget about it and move on. You are a good person and you just did not know what you were doing. Don't let this little thing discourage you. People do different things when they are horny and young. You know now that what you did was wrong and know that you will never do it again. If you feel better to tell someone, then tell them so you can be relieved but the thing is that some people can not understand it and will not. You did nothing to hurt this animal nor did anything that was wrong.

[Hobby10]

Don't let it mess with your head.  We've all done things we regret or feel bad about---- it really isn't a big deal.  Really.  It sounds like you just need to forgive yourself.  Just do it.  Go to church or an empty field and visualize letting it go like a balloon floating off into the distance and then never look back.   Really trust me and rain lover.  

[RainLover71]

Please stop being so hard on yourself and what you engaged in was not a bad thing or a sexual act at all.You were only 12 and you had emotions going on.Please stop with the suicide talk as that is not going to solve anything because your life is precious and you have such a bright future and are doing so well.You don't have OCD and your friends and boyfriend don't need to know about this incident at all,infact I would leave it in the past and not give it a second thought.It really is no big deal and you are punishing yourself for nothing.Let it go,your therapists have already told you that it was not sexual and that you did nothing wrong.You are a bright and healthy young lady with a great future ahead of you don't let this meaningless incident spoil it for you.Leave it in the past and focus on the future.You are a good person,focus on that.All the best.