Still troubled

[vonnyot]

Hi All,
the hocd thoughts are much abated.  That was never really the issue.  It is more just a constant obsession about leaving my marriage.  The thoughts torment me at times. We have been so happy together, but it is just like I am now saying to myself that happiness is just to hard to pursue. I feel at times like I am just going crazy.  The thought of leaving will spike up my anxiety sky high, and then I breathe a sigh of relief that I didn't leave today and I can sleep in his arms again tonight.  The thoughts are a lot worse when out in public, I just want to run and come home where I feel safe.  Is this ocd/rocd, or am I just crazy?  I really don't know anymore.  Therapist says I just don't trust myself - dead right! I feel incapable of rational thought.  My friend said that when the thought is not so scary anymore it will lose its power.  I wish it were that simple.  I also feel though  that I have lost a lot of my maturity and capacity for doing what is right and enjoying it!  I used to be a great wife and mum, very dynamic and devoted, now I am just dragging my feet through the day and just surviving. I am on a medication for depression/anxiety and trying to take care of my body through good food and exercise, which helps a bit as I lost a lot of weight through just losing my appetite.  So I feel better, but still feel irrational, which scares me even more!
Help!
with love and appreciation.

[JGF25]

May you have the strength today to  say " i can do this because I did it before" and it is not all downhill   from here. Remember the medication needs time to work. In the meantime find something to occupy your mind...yard work, reading, watching a series on TV, meditation videos on YouTube, going for a walk etc. I know you are tired and more thn likely depressed becuse of this but you will get better.

[vonnyot]

Just don't feel strong enough today to fight anymore. Really feel like I am turning into a lesbian and I can't turn back. All downhills from here.

[JGF25]

I am an OCD sufferer who volunteered to talk to people on the forum based on my own  experiences therefore I cannot diagnose you. However from your past experiences you wrote about I would have to conclude it must all be OCD. I think ERP is a valuable tool. Here in the states it is CBT. The book is right in that we need to take the fear out of the thoughts. If you are not comfortable with what the  book says to do, then perhaps a psychologist would be of help. I know with socialized medicine it takes a while to get in to see someone but maybe think about getting on the list.

Another book that I liked is Self coaching  by Joseph Luciani.

Best of luck to you.

[vonnyot]

Thanks a again for replying. I read a great book last night called "The Imp of the Mind", and felt almost back to normal. It was saying that the gold standard treatment is ERP, so I got a bit ahead of myself this morrning and was lying in bed, and created this whole "Brokeback Mountain" scenario. Big booboo I think! I started to like the idea, and then felt so deeply, deeply depressed. Am I just kidding myself here? I think anxiety around the thoughts seems to be what stops me from acting on them, and without that, well, what have I got left? ERP is supposed to reduce anxiety around the thoughts so that they eventually bore you and lose their appeal, but I feel I am in serious moral danger due to my irrational thinking at present, and tendency to just get swept up in these thoughts. The notion of ERP sounds very plausible when you are dealing with a mum who has thoughts of hurting her kid etc but who would never dream of doing so. But the idea of being reckless etc has a genuine appeal at present, so I just don't think ERP is the way to go forward. Am I dealing with an addiction issue instead of OCD? The idea of engaging in the thought is followed rapidly by despair and confusion despite arousal of a degree. I don't want o do any ERP that would stimulate any arousal, even though the book says that's the only way forward. I think it would become too appealing and addictive, then I would just lose who I really am. To be honest, sometimes when I look on these forums I see people (not you of course, you are very sensible) who are so turned inward and focussed on their sexuality and biological reactions all the time, and there is no room for any real, heart to heart human contact because it just gets crowded out by lust and confusion. I really feel that if I keep delving into this issue by ERP etc, that's what will end up happening. Love and commitment are what matters in the end. Thanks for your care and support.

[JGF25]

Hi again...so the medication really hasn't reached it peak potential yet....another 2 to 4 weeks.  It can actually make the OCD/anxiety worse in the beginning and maybe that is what you are going through right now but know that there is a rainbow at the end.  Whatever you do don't throw in the towel and stop taking the medication.  

Here is the good thing.  You had this so bad before that you were hospitalized and then you had a good 7 years without  too many problems.  Did some sort of stressor happen recently that sent you into this spiral?  That is how I ended up back on meds....too much darn stress.  What you have to remember is that you got over it before and therefore you can do it again.  Yeah it feels like work and you are sick and tired of working at it (again)  but I'm confident that once the meds build up in your system you will see improvement in how you feel and how you deal with the thoughts.  

I was told the same thing you were.  That people with OCD irrational thoughts really don't act on those thoughts.  So while you may be afraid you are going to blurt out "I'm leaving you" the reality is you never will because that is not what you really want.  The fantasizing...in my book is no big deal.  I actually fantasize about other people all the time.  What I do is called maladaptive daydreaming and it basically just takes me away from it all.  I become somebody else in my daydreams...someone without problems, etc.  So don't put too much stock into the lustful things you are thinking.  They are more than likely a respite from your everyday life and have no bearing on your relationship with your husband who you clearly love.

I hope that you are going back to therapy.  Let me know if you need anything else.  Take care.

[vonnyot]

Sorry, I forgot to add, in response to your question regarding medication, I have been on it for about 2 weeks.  I feel better, but still irrational, so actually worse if that makes sense.  

[vonnyot]

Thankyou for your thoughtful reply.
I sent a reply to you, but I am not sure if it has come up to you, so I am resending.
I had the problem after our third child was born, she is now almost 10. It was hocd,and thoughts of leaving.  I ended up being hopsitalized.  I used to call to get reassurance that I wouldn't do anything stupid, and ended up spending most of the day on the phone.
I know better now not to do that, but I feel deeply irrational about my potential to do these bad and awful things, in a sense I probably have even less faith in myself than last time.
For the last 7 years I have been extremely well, high functioning and happy. A devoted wife and mum, had a successful professional career, and really never thought I would get sick again.  That was about 10 weeks ago, and I feel I will never be able to get back to that person again!  In a very disturbing way, it actually feels unappealing.
I can't seem to get the energy and enthusiasm now to do the things that came very easily to me before, like housework and professional work, and interacting with my kids.
So,my question is, does this still sound like ocd?
Crazy thoughts include:
-leave hubby, the love of my life, for a life of misery and have a cheap "Tiger Woods" type affair with anyone willing, combined with lustful intrusive thoughts about anyone who I happen to pass in the street.  These thoughts are making me not want to go out anymore, but I push myself to do it.
-leave the kids as family life is just too bloody hard.
-become a transgender or cross dresser
-become a chronic mental patient and live in a mental hospital, just to escape for a while.
-turn into a lesbian
Rituals include looking at photos of hubby and me, or putting a mental picture of him in my head to focus my mind on him and away from lustful thoughts.
Not doing rituals so much, so feelings and desperation just getting worse.
I am hoping against hope that this is just ocd, as I have read many times that people with this problem almost never do the awful things they are tempted to do, and this gives me comfort.
I have downloaded the ocd workbook, and done a lot of reading, but my problem is this:
I just feel too irrational to trust myself to do the right thing!  I am too scared of giving up control as I feel like I just can't trust myself.
I feel that I am withdrawing from my family, and just going through the motions right now, like some kind of  a zombie, so maybe that's the beginning of an affair anyway.
I heard that my old psychiatrist (who was a wanker anyway) left his wife and 5 kids and ran off with his secretary.  What is stopping me from doing the same thing?
I prayed to God that if I was to do anything like that, that I would prefer that He would take me instead, as I think it would be less damaging for all concerned.  I don't want to end my life or anything, I just think that my dying while still being a good and responsible person is much better for everyone than destroying the family by irresponsibility.
I am really keen to know if this sense of feeling so out of control and capable of evil is common to everyone else with ocd, or if it means that my problem may be something else.
Again, with thanks and appreciation.

[JGF25]

Hi there....the HOCD went away but now something else has taken its place.  That is what OCd is all about.  Can I ask how long you have been taking the medication?  It does take a good 4 to 6 weeks for it to build up in your system to the point where it is really working.  It seems you are still a bit depressed from all this and that makes me wonder whether you have been on it long enough or whether it is the right dose.  

The thoughts that bother us the most are the ones that we don't want to happen.  Nobody that is straight wants to wake up one day and be gay.  And leaving your husband and venturing out on your own probably isn't something you want to happen either.  We key in on the things that would literally turn our lives upside down.  Keep up with the therapy and monitor the medication and how it is affecting you.