So its been 2 month since i am suffering from this demonic illness.I was doing recoveey work but I am in a very anxious state right nowband looking for suggestion.
So i have a history of ocd.When i was young i worried excessively that whelter i was going to die.The thought process was if i am thinking i am going to die than it must have a meaning of some sort.I suffered from that I think about one year.Then again a fleeting thought came that whelther i am living in a dream or not.This also stayed for a year.
Hocd started when one day I was laying on my bed and scrolling through fb when suddenly i came thorough this article of bbc that one girl at his 18 suddenly realized she was gay.I previously had no gay thought,no attraction toward same sex etc.In fact I didn't even thought of this until now.I was so happy with my heterosexuality and the man I was before this.My journey through hell started.
Well after googling a bit i found out about ocd and hocd and it made sense.
Then i started self recovery reading all the guidance and managed to reduce my anxiety and started to get my life back.
But now I am excessively worrying about my past and excessively searching(it's not in my control folks)if there was anything.And found some thing that is bugging me.Can you plz tell me if its ocd or am i actually bi?
1)I suddenly remembered i was watching a parody video on internet and surprisingly there was a gay scene where(TRIGGER WARNING) one man was touching other man's **** with his ****.I found it very disturbing(as usual,I always found gay scene to be non arousing).but now many years later when i recall this event i suddenly feared that there was actually movement going on in my private part.I didn't get the urge to masterbate or anything it was not arousing and the erection was not strong and a slight erection and at that time i didn't even think any of this.But now I am overly anxious about this event.I came across many gay scenes in throughout my life including every kind of stuff in movies but i never had anything.This analyzing past is the new problem that i am facing.But i did went back to that scene yesterday to see if it was arousing or not and found nothing,no erection,nothing.
2)This anxious event just came out in my mind yesterday.this hapoened when i was first admitted to school(I mean my first year of school).Oneday one of my friend told me excitingly that he had made a friend who is much elder(I mean like grade 5th or 6th).Then i was like oh man that's awesome i wanna be friends,too.Then I became overly busy to made a elder friend but failed and became disappointed for a moment and then I don't remember move on to something else maybe.But now that I am thinking was that because i had a same sex attraction that I became excited in making a elder friend.
Keep in mind that I had no past same sex attraction.When I was founding out sex,i always was atteacted to body of a girl,I mean boobs.I have always loved woman and always dreamt to be with a girl.I crushed on girls even before i knew what sex was.And when I found sex,I found pictures of both same and opposite sex in the internet(i mean men naked art and woman naked art),but I was only attracted to woman.
So I am asking you now am I gonna be alright?(I mean i don't wanna be gay or bi)
(My age is 18)