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Tired,help someone(Hocd)

So its been 2 month since i am suffering from this demonic illness.I was doing recoveey work but I am in a very anxious state right nowband looking for suggestion.
So i have a history of ocd.When i was young i worried excessively that whelter i was going to die.The thought process was if i am thinking i am going to die than it must have a meaning of some sort.I suffered from that I think about one year.Then again a fleeting thought came that whelther i am living in a dream or not.This also stayed for a year.
Hocd started when one day I was laying on my bed and scrolling through fb when suddenly i came thorough this article of bbc that one girl at his 18 suddenly realized she was gay.I previously had no gay thought,no attraction toward same sex etc.In fact I didn't even thought of this until now.I was so happy with my heterosexuality and the man I was before this.My journey through hell started.
Well after googling a bit i found out about ocd and hocd and it made sense.
Then i started self recovery reading all the guidance and managed to reduce my anxiety and started to get my life back.
But now I am excessively worrying about my past and excessively searching(it's not in my control folks)if there was anything.And found some thing that is bugging me.Can you plz tell me if its ocd or am i actually bi?

1)I suddenly remembered i was watching a parody video on internet and surprisingly there was a gay scene where(TRIGGER WARNING) one man was touching other man's **** with his ****.I found it very disturbing(as usual,I always found gay scene to be non arousing).but now many years later when i recall this event i suddenly feared that there was actually movement going on in my private part.I didn't get the urge to masterbate or anything it was not arousing and the erection was not strong and a slight erection and at that time i didn't even think any of this.But now I am overly anxious about this event.I came across many gay scenes in throughout my life including every kind of stuff in movies but i never had anything.This analyzing past is the new problem that i am facing.But i did went back to that scene yesterday to see if it was arousing or not and found nothing,no erection,nothing.


2)This anxious event just came out in my mind yesterday.this hapoened when i was first admitted to school(I mean my first year of school).Oneday one of my friend told me excitingly that he had made a friend who is much elder(I mean like grade 5th or 6th).Then i was like oh man that's awesome i wanna be friends,too.Then I became overly busy to made a elder friend but failed and became disappointed for a moment and then I don't remember move on to something else maybe.But now that I am thinking was that because i had a same sex attraction that I became excited in making a elder friend.

Keep in mind that I had no past same sex attraction.When I was founding out sex,i always was atteacted to body of a girl,I mean boobs.I have always loved woman and always dreamt to be with a girl.I crushed on girls even before i knew what sex was.And when I found sex,I found pictures of both same and opposite sex in the internet(i mean men naked art and woman naked art),but I was only attracted to woman.
So I am asking you now am I gonna be alright?(I mean i don't wanna be gay or bi)
(My age is 18)
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973741 tn?1342342773
You are going through a transitional period entering a different school environment.  That may trigger anxiety for you (as it does almost everyone). Your anxiety causes you to think and think and think.  Yes, that is very tiring.  And the thinking you do in particular involves a lot of worry.  I can tell you not to worry til I'm blue in the face but when you have anxiety, that doesn't really stop it.  But I WILL tell you that occasional thoughts of attraction of the same sex or having a fantasy or something does not mean you are gay.  Our minds are free to roam and that doesn't mean we will act on it.  Ever.  And if you did, you could be bisexual.  Or gay.  It doesn't matter overall, does it?  I know you say you don't want to but the main thing in life is to be yourself.  And to be authentic and happy.  Let it all unfold.  I would try to stay focused on the school work.  And keep busy with a job, club, etc. so you have less time to wander in your thoughts.  :>)  Do you see a counselor?  I highly recommend that you do.  
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Well I don't understand what you mean by i am going through a transitional period of school.That event happened when I was in kinder garden and now I am in high school.And the fact is romantic relationship to girls is a very important thing for me and I can remember how happy I was before all this,before that moment when suddenly enormous anxiety came out of the blue.And I can't see myself living with  a dude the rest of my life.(I don't even wanna do anything to a dude,believe me I have never thought about this nonsense)
But I fear I might turn oneday or already turned or secretly gay and never be able to be with a woman ever again.Oh!and another thing I think I lost my attraction to girls almost overnight and it is really depressing.I am now just praying to god when I go to sleep,I don't want to wake up again
As is usually the case on this forum, people confuse anxiety and obsessive thinking which is common to all humans with OCD.  By self-diagnosing, you labeled yourself, and became that person you created.  We do this.  The very young have all kinds of thoughts but those don't equate to adult mental problems.  You are having a problem with getting extremely upset by the fact human beings think.  Now, some think a lot more than others, and some are a lot more creative, etc., but we all think and it's only when our thoughts become a problem for us it's a problem.  And no, it's not something you have no control over.  You do.  It's not easy, and maybe you never will control it, but yes, people do stop obsessing over stuff.  But it will take work, and since you've been doing it a long time, I would suggest seeing a psychologist for therapy so you can overcome this before it becomes a permanent part of your life.  As to your sexuality, many of us have periods of insecurity about it, and right now there's a lot of info out and about to be exposed to that can create questions in an active mind.  But who you have relationships with and sex with determines your sexuality, not random thoughts.  A guy can get an erection from a cool breeze, so why not from seeing gay sex?  Meaningless, though, if you're not actually acting on it or have any desire to act on it.  If you are gay, so what?  But clearly, you're not.  You are however phobic about being gay, as we have had severe repression of homosexuality the last few centuries.  It's ingrained.  Don't let that get you.  Get to work on your fear of thinking, though, you're always going to do it.  Peace.
I say transitional because these years are just that.  Leaving childhood, becoming more adult like, leaving one type of school for another if you plan to go to university, etc.  Many teens struggle through these years and they are transitional in nature and also have a whole lot of triggers.  Your anxiety and depression are triggered.  I would guess the thoughts that are bothering you are just triggered anxiety and depression.  If you are not wanting to wake up anymore in the morning, that's a sure sign of being depressed.  Do you live somewhere that offers talk therapy?  To sort through your feelings and emotions ?
No,i don't have a good place to go anywhere for mental support.But I have been dealing with this sorts of problem my whole life as I mentioned earlier.Just last year when i was about to sleep a fleeting thought came that what if i never be able to sleep.This thing latched on almost a year,and my ability to fall asleep was gone overnight.I couldn't sleep with that thought(I know it sounds ridiculous) to a point that i was convinced that there must be some serious physical issue of why i can't sleep.I went to a physiologist and and did all kinds of test to see if there is something wrong.But the doctor found nothing except they told me i am suffering from enormous amount of anxiety.That only reassured me for a short while,then again all this doubt began to appear again that what if i  never be able to sleep again.
But it did passed and now this whole new **** came from nowhere.But I am beting on this that one day just like everytime this will pass.But all this doubt is making me miserable. My thought have shifted from what if i turn gay to what if i am and don't knew all along.
That's why I am asking about those thing because my brain is telling me see you will never be able to be normal again and eventually turn gay.You can call it reassurance but I am going through a lot and can't cope
I'm sorry you are having trouble coping.  You aren't along although it feels that way.  They have some work books that teens can do that you can purchase on line.  Do you have any non judgemental people in your life at all you can open up to?
No,can you give me some reference of those books?
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