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Tocd or.am I trans

Tocd or an I trans
1 minute
I am currently a 24 y/o male who has dealt with fear of being transgender almost my entire life. It started out when I used to have nightmares about men wearing women's clothing after my dad had a gender bending themed birthday party.  Growing up I enjoyed doing the typical make things and loved competing in sports, but after those nightmares started I experimented with cross dressing, I have never had anxiety towards my body, and most of my anxiety is caused by a fear that I one day might wake up transgender, and it looks me on a daily basis.  I consider myself to be heterosexual, and constantly check out women and I have a desire to be with them, not to be them.  I am currently in therapy, and I see a psychiatrist and two psychologists, and we all agree that it is ocd.  I fear that I won't be able to live a life where these thoughts don't bother me. I go to bed every night wishing that these thoughts disappear, but every day they keep feeling more intense. And the fact that transgender is such a big issue and constantly in the media doesn't help me one bit.  I don't feel like a woman trapped in a man's body, I feel like a man who's trapped in a never ending thought loop, and the thought of going by female pronouns bugs me.  When I think of myself and my future it's always me in the name role and that's how I want it, I more less crippled by the thoughts that I one day might wake up transgender, has anyone else dealt with this?
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1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.   Glad you are in therapy.  I have not experienced your specific thought...we all have different things that we fear.  But the key is to become desensitized to the thought.  I'm sure your therapists are teaching you ways to do this.  It also isn't uncommon to look back into your childhood and try to find out what triggered the thought.  Obviously Bruce Jenner isn't doing anyone with OCD any favors but if you listen to him, he will say that he has always felt trapped in the wrong body.  You don't feel trapped in the wrong body.  That is a big difference.  You can't force your body to be something it isn't.  Can you imagine what it would really be to feel like you were in the wrong body and feel like you can't change it.  That must have been hell for Bruce.  You on the other hand, from what it sounds like and from what your therapists have concluded, is that you have OCD and you need to learn to think differently.  Retrain your brain if you will.  Have you ever tried medication?  
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Avatar universal
It feels like a fear over abutting else, and I just get anxiety because I'm frustrated because I don't want to have these thoughts anymore, I am on some meds, but I think I might need to get them fixed, it didn't help that when I was young and growing up I used to be called girly man by a family friend, it really pissed me off every time I heard that, I don't wanna be a girl, and could never see myself in the typical female persona, I feel like if I was trans I would be saying I wish I was a girl, instead I find myself saying I wish that I no longer have these thoughts/ fears
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
It feels like a fear over abutting else, and I just get anxiety because I'm frustrated because I don't want to have these thoughts anymore, I am on some meds, but I think I might need to get them fixed, it didn't help that when I was young and growing up I used to be called girly man by a family friend, it really pissed me off every time I heard that, I don't wanna be a girl, and could never see myself in the typical female persona, I feel like if I was trans I would be saying I wish I was a girl, instead I find myself saying I wish that I no longer have these thoughts/ fears
Helpful - 0
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
Keep up with your therapy.  You can always discuss medication with your doctor to see if he/she thinks an increase would help you more.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I’m in the same exact predicament asking you because first off this year so has been flushing toilet for me; in other words it’s been hell from January from jump. First I was suffering from HOCD from 11th January 8 years after another book was thrown at me. The thing is I stated to have HOCD from that date and it successfully sheereed and bury my true inner self which I honestly want back. The reason that it successfully sheered me was because of a decline of testosterone. By the beginning of March tocd started to come in my life and both HOCD and TOCD teamed up and actually ruining my life because each benefit from my decline of testosterone. Every night I keep being worried about the execution of being comfortable of being cisgender is getting executed by HOCD and tocd is actually destroying my life and soul. The only alternative way to have this dealt with is to start testing my brain via new cognitive skills and I also feel that I won’t even survive for even less than  two months because the benefits of HOCD and/or TOCD and their goal is to align unwanted stuff and brainwashed my body at least into legitimately thinking that that what I wanted to do which I don’t want to be a girl I wanted to be with one I don’t also want to be gay as well because I feel like these two are recleansing my actual history and dealing with this is trying to eat me som more The life I love and have prior to January is going upside down
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
I'm not sure how old you are but it must be confusing and stressful to have these worries.  What about just taking it easier on yourself for a while?  Your post, to be honest, is very hard to follow.  Why are you showing a decline in testosterone?  Were you taking it or are you taking something to suppress it?  But in general, just be.  Wait and see how you feel as time goes on rather than having to obsesses and define NOW.  And if you truly feel you have obsessive compulsive disorder, that's a mental health issue.  You treat it with medication and therapy.  It really doesn't have anything with declaring a gender.  It's about intrusive thoughts and compulsions.  That's treatable.  Being confused about your gender doesn't have to be OCD.  So, it would be good to work with a clinical psychologist to separate those two things.  And give yourself some time to understand who you are and who you want to be.  
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