Aa
Traumatic relationship, OCD, hocd
Hey all, I'm in desperate need of some help.
It's been about 10 months since I left my ex girlfriend who was diagnosed bipolar disorder. It really messed me up being with her. It ultimately left me feeling inadequate about myself.
I suffer from OCD and I've had numerous occasions in which my OCD would make a mountain out of a mole hill. One time I've engaged in protected vaginal intercourse with a female who has been, uh.. Around the block more than a few times, and after I thought I had Some sort of permanent std and that i got her pregnant. Although what I did did not warrant any need to worry. I lived for months thinking I had something. Constantly reading, checking, double, triple, quadruple checking, re reading, until I got every thing checked and I didn't have a thing. I also worried I had oral cancer since I've given numerous women oral sex. Any little sore or pain in my throat was in my OCD riddled mind, a tumor. Again, went to the dr healthy as can be.
Even after my relationship with my bipolar ex, I had OCD spikes about what just happened. It took a toll on me. It paralyzed me. I couldn't date a girl, I couldn't even involve myself in anything sexual, and I was very sexual person with her and before her. I was just so devastated I couldn't indulge in opening up myself like that. 7 Months after the initial shock, I felt pathetic. I turned away a few girls because I felt inadequate, they are too good for me.
Whenever I thought about sex, I thought about my ex, whenever I'd think about my ex, I think about the hurt she caused me, I think about how many guys she must of had sex with already while I'm home still dwelling over her. So I just cut the bs and stop thinking about sex and having sex with women. I wanted to avoid that shame, the pathetic self loathing feeling I've been having.
That's when "H-OCD" arrived. I remember looking at this guy at work once and saying to myself, good looking dude, awesome build on him, wish I had that build, nothing more, nothing less. Then I quickly said am I gay? I must be? I mean you don't even look at girls anymore? What about those men you hear that come out after being married and stuff? What if that's you? I now, if I see a picture of an attractive male, I just stare, and say do I like this? I say, good looking man but that's it, nothing in me says I want him. In addition, I'm currently hanging out with a female whom I have a good time being with but I'm just not sexually attracted to her. I'm just not attracted to her in that sense which also adds more fuel to the fire.
In the past, I had no problem admitting when a guy is good looking but nothing in me wants to have him in my bed or have him call me sweety,lol that's just funny. But why is my mind bombarding me with nope, you're gay, you're in the closet, come out. I even started imagining being with a man sexually and I just can't, i wouldn't want to. I can Imagine it feels good but I don't want it. There are people who say hocd isn't real, and you're just in denial and that makes me panic and have anxiety. I don't want to be 40 and married and just leave because I realized that I'm gay
I love women. I love, as vulgar as this may sound, having intercourse with them. I love being with them. I want a family and kids. I want a relationship with a girl, a meaningful one. I've always had a girlfriend or a girl to fool around with. I don't think about my ex girlfriend anymore but as soon as I started to forget about her, hocd crept in.
I don't know if its my mind that needs a constant thing to fixate on, I don't know what the hell is going on. Or I'm not sure if this is a byproduct of just a string of bad to subpar relationships, sorry that this is long but I need to get this off my chest.
I am also in no way against homosexuality nor am I a homophobe. I've had several friends of mine come out as gay and I treated them the same. I'm no one to judge what other people do with their lives. I just don't want to be something that's not true to ME. I've been with multiple women and I never thought about a man in that way. Whenever I'm around a good looking man with a chiseled body I feel a bit inferior but I can't help but to look and admire that. I wish I had those looks or that body. Is this normal? Is this hocd? Denial?
It's been about 10 months since I left my ex girlfriend who was diagnosed bipolar disorder. It really messed me up being with her. It ultimately left me feeling inadequate about myself.
I suffer from OCD and I've had numerous occasions in which my OCD would make a mountain out of a mole hill. One time I've engaged in protected vaginal intercourse with a female who has been, uh.. Around the block more than a few times, and after I thought I had Some sort of permanent std and that i got her pregnant. Although what I did did not warrant any need to worry. I lived for months thinking I had something. Constantly reading, checking, double, triple, quadruple checking, re reading, until I got every thing checked and I didn't have a thing. I also worried I had oral cancer since I've given numerous women oral sex. Any little sore or pain in my throat was in my OCD riddled mind, a tumor. Again, went to the dr healthy as can be.
Even after my relationship with my bipolar ex, I had OCD spikes about what just happened. It took a toll on me. It paralyzed me. I couldn't date a girl, I couldn't even involve myself in anything sexual, and I was very sexual person with her and before her. I was just so devastated I couldn't indulge in opening up myself like that. 7 Months after the initial shock, I felt pathetic. I turned away a few girls because I felt inadequate, they are too good for me.
Whenever I thought about sex, I thought about my ex, whenever I'd think about my ex, I think about the hurt she caused me, I think about how many guys she must of had sex with already while I'm home still dwelling over her. So I just cut the bs and stop thinking about sex and having sex with women. I wanted to avoid that shame, the pathetic self loathing feeling I've been having.
That's when "H-OCD" arrived. I remember looking at this guy at work once and saying to myself, good looking dude, awesome build on him, wish I had that build, nothing more, nothing less. Then I quickly said am I gay? I must be? I mean you don't even look at girls anymore? What about those men you hear that come out after being married and stuff? What if that's you? I now, if I see a picture of an attractive male, I just stare, and say do I like this? I say, good looking man but that's it, nothing in me says I want him. In addition, I'm currently hanging out with a female whom I have a good time being with but I'm just not sexually attracted to her. I'm just not attracted to her in that sense which also adds more fuel to the fire.
In the past, I had no problem admitting when a guy is good looking but nothing in me wants to have him in my bed or have him call me sweety,lol that's just funny. But why is my mind bombarding me with nope, you're gay, you're in the closet, come out. I even started imagining being with a man sexually and I just can't, i wouldn't want to. I can Imagine it feels good but I don't want it. There are people who say hocd isn't real, and you're just in denial and that makes me panic and have anxiety. I don't want to be 40 and married and just leave because I realized that I'm gay
I love women. I love, as vulgar as this may sound, having intercourse with them. I love being with them. I want a family and kids. I want a relationship with a girl, a meaningful one. I've always had a girlfriend or a girl to fool around with. I don't think about my ex girlfriend anymore but as soon as I started to forget about her, hocd crept in.
I don't know if its my mind that needs a constant thing to fixate on, I don't know what the hell is going on. Or I'm not sure if this is a byproduct of just a string of bad to subpar relationships, sorry that this is long but I need to get this off my chest.
I am also in no way against homosexuality nor am I a homophobe. I've had several friends of mine come out as gay and I treated them the same. I'm no one to judge what other people do with their lives. I just don't want to be something that's not true to ME. I've been with multiple women and I never thought about a man in that way. Whenever I'm around a good looking man with a chiseled body I feel a bit inferior but I can't help but to look and admire that. I wish I had those looks or that body. Is this normal? Is this hocd? Denial?
Thank you, I will. Unfortunately just watching those videos I checked off everything they said automatically in my mind. Even the most far out, "I feel butterflies with a guy, wanting to date a guy" type of things I automatically said yes yes yes, knowing I would never welcome those actions/thoughts.
I understand the hell one goes through with hiv anxiety. Back in college, a friend of mine got into a fight, bloody one at that, I had to break them up and I ended up getting blood on me, no worrying warranted. I went into a panic frenzy for 5 months, checking, re reading, checking, panicking, feeling an impending doom. Horrible.
I understand the hell one goes through with hiv anxiety. Back in college, a friend of mine got into a fight, bloody one at that, I had to break them up and I ended up getting blood on me, no worrying warranted. I went into a panic frenzy for 5 months, checking, re reading, checking, panicking, feeling an impending doom. Horrible.
What you just wrote about the "check list", you need to bring it back to the doctor. Tell him or her what you do when you read the stories. This is how therapy works. They give you a task, you go and do it, and then you report back your experience with it. If you don't think you will remember, then take notes while you are doing the task.
I sat in an AIDS clinic for weeks on my lunch hour to get over HIV anxiety. At the end I felt like a complete fraud and thought they should be mad at me for sitting there and not having AIDS!
Give it your all and in time you will be better. :)
I sat in an AIDS clinic for weeks on my lunch hour to get over HIV anxiety. At the end I felt like a complete fraud and thought they should be mad at me for sitting there and not having AIDS!
Give it your all and in time you will be better. :)
Jgf, thank you truly & hope you had a great vacation. Lord knows we all need one every now and then.
Yeah, first time and he started a exposure prevention therapy I believe. I hope it takes away the fear. The first time, reading the coming out stories petrified me. In my mind, I was doing a sort of check list, ok that's me no no yes yes no no no. Omg I answered yes to some, I'm gay. My mind runs after than me. I won't give up on it. I can only speculate a gay person would just welcome gay thoughts whereas anyone who has hocd does not.
Yeah, first time and he started a exposure prevention therapy I believe. I hope it takes away the fear. The first time, reading the coming out stories petrified me. In my mind, I was doing a sort of check list, ok that's me no no yes yes no no no. Omg I answered yes to some, I'm gay. My mind runs after than me. I won't give up on it. I can only speculate a gay person would just welcome gay thoughts whereas anyone who has hocd does not.
Hi there...sorry...I have been on vacation and I wasn't willing to pay for internet service in this day and age. Couldn't believe it wasn't free.
Anyway, so you are seeing a psychiatrist now. What he is doing is exposure therapy. You aren't supposed to look to closely at it. What exposure therapy does is take the "fear" out of the thought. That means when you don't have the nervous anxiety anymore you no longer fear the thought. That does not mean you are gay it simply means that you are not fearing it anymore because you know it isn't you. That is the whole point of the lesson. If I closed my eyes and pictured myself stabbing somebody, I would realize that the person in my mind is not the person I really am and the fear would be taken away.
It looks like you have only had one appointment correct? Change does not happen over night. It takes time. It takes work. Even the medication is going to take a bit of time to start working well. So don't rush this. Do what the doctor said and don't overanalyze things.
Anyway, so you are seeing a psychiatrist now. What he is doing is exposure therapy. You aren't supposed to look to closely at it. What exposure therapy does is take the "fear" out of the thought. That means when you don't have the nervous anxiety anymore you no longer fear the thought. That does not mean you are gay it simply means that you are not fearing it anymore because you know it isn't you. That is the whole point of the lesson. If I closed my eyes and pictured myself stabbing somebody, I would realize that the person in my mind is not the person I really am and the fear would be taken away.
It looks like you have only had one appointment correct? Change does not happen over night. It takes time. It takes work. Even the medication is going to take a bit of time to start working well. So don't rush this. Do what the doctor said and don't overanalyze things.
I also feel hopeless in finding "love" or damn it at least a decent freaking relationship! I feel like I've given up!
But there is nothing in me, the actual me who would want to pursue a relationship with a man. But I can't even watch tv, if I see a pair of abs, or a good looking man my mind goes haywire. I quickly examine the mans body, face, say he's attractive, would I want him in bed? Why did I look so long? The gay guy in this video said he would stare at men so then you're gay as well. It's hell.
But there is nothing in me, the actual me who would want to pursue a relationship with a man. But I can't even watch tv, if I see a pair of abs, or a good looking man my mind goes haywire. I quickly examine the mans body, face, say he's attractive, would I want him in bed? Why did I look so long? The gay guy in this video said he would stare at men so then you're gay as well. It's hell.
Jgf25,
If you could still post on here and give me some feedback I'd greatly appreciate it!
So I saw my dr and I'm seeing a psychiatrist. I'm going to focus on the psychiatrist, I told him about my past OCD fears (cancer, hiv, stds, death, stray cats, germs, whatever) and ultimately hocd. He advised me to look up stories on how men came out. Also to say to myself that being gay is not scary. I don't know how I feel about it. I've read and watched numerous coming out stories and the main theme is "I can finally be myself and be who I am" but that's not who I am. I just think that it feel so real. By watching these videos and reading these stories I don't have that nervous anxiety. My mind tells me, finally you accepted and realized that you're gay. At the same time, I watch these videos and I say there's no way that's me, yeah both the gay guys and myself can appreciate a good looking man but nothing more. I might even want to befriend the good looking man or strongly dislike him but I don't want him in my bed. Any advice I'd greatly appreciate it.
I am also on Zoloft now.
If you could still post on here and give me some feedback I'd greatly appreciate it!
So I saw my dr and I'm seeing a psychiatrist. I'm going to focus on the psychiatrist, I told him about my past OCD fears (cancer, hiv, stds, death, stray cats, germs, whatever) and ultimately hocd. He advised me to look up stories on how men came out. Also to say to myself that being gay is not scary. I don't know how I feel about it. I've read and watched numerous coming out stories and the main theme is "I can finally be myself and be who I am" but that's not who I am. I just think that it feel so real. By watching these videos and reading these stories I don't have that nervous anxiety. My mind tells me, finally you accepted and realized that you're gay. At the same time, I watch these videos and I say there's no way that's me, yeah both the gay guys and myself can appreciate a good looking man but nothing more. I might even want to befriend the good looking man or strongly dislike him but I don't want him in my bed. Any advice I'd greatly appreciate it.
I am also on Zoloft now.
Horrific = catastrphizing....of course we key in on the horrific...otherwise we wouldn't be able to torment ourselves. Glad you are seeing a doctor.
I see my brain as two. One part is ME while the other is some random voice who opposes everything I am.
Just doubting if we are straight, gay, bisexual is core shaking. Although we may get over it, it's the thought of "crap, I can't believe I doubted something so basic to me, that what if that doubting is something subconscious that is trying to get out?"
I'd truly appreciate any Opinion you may have on this.. Once again thank you!
Just doubting if we are straight, gay, bisexual is core shaking. Although we may get over it, it's the thought of "crap, I can't believe I doubted something so basic to me, that what if that doubting is something subconscious that is trying to get out?"
I'd truly appreciate any Opinion you may have on this.. Once again thank you!
Hey jgf25, thanks once again for your insights.
I went to my dr. First thing in the morning. He was more than ready to diagnose me with OCD from the stories I told him. He wrote me a referral to follow up with a psychiatrist. It makes me feel better. I have OCD rather than some latent homosexuality that I just discovered out of the blue from one day to another. Or a tumor, cancer, or whatever other impending doom I may have had.
It's just the nature of doubting your own sexuality when you yourself know what you are, is horrific. To doubt something so basic and primal to us, it's one of the biggest motivators in our lives, scares me. I'm a lot better now
I went to my dr. First thing in the morning. He was more than ready to diagnose me with OCD from the stories I told him. He wrote me a referral to follow up with a psychiatrist. It makes me feel better. I have OCD rather than some latent homosexuality that I just discovered out of the blue from one day to another. Or a tumor, cancer, or whatever other impending doom I may have had.
It's just the nature of doubting your own sexuality when you yourself know what you are, is horrific. To doubt something so basic and primal to us, it's one of the biggest motivators in our lives, scares me. I'm a lot better now
I had the thought "am I gay" a long, long time ago and at the time I was married. It didn't stick with me though because I was **** that spinning top thing I talked about where my OCD was off the hook and I was going from one thought to the next pretty quickly. I told my sister a few years ago that I had that thought and she said "me too!" So I knew then it was a pretty common irrational thought among OCD sufferers.
Sorry to keep bothering you but it's fantastic knowing one is not alone.
I'm keeping myself busy today, getting some stuff done rather than just constantly checking. If you don't mind answering this, Have you suffered from HOCD? if so, was it the same sort of mental battle as I see in all these posts about HOCD?
I'm keeping myself busy today, getting some stuff done rather than just constantly checking. If you don't mind answering this, Have you suffered from HOCD? if so, was it the same sort of mental battle as I see in all these posts about HOCD?
Glad to hear you are seeing the doctor tomorrow. I get that medications do have side effects. Some of them are unpleasant to begin with, i.e., they make anxiety worse initially but there is a light at the end of the tunnel so you would just need to persevere through it. As far as CBT goes...i think it is a terrific skill to have to combat OCD and I don't necessarily think you need to go straight to meds but rather try CBT first and then go from there. I take meds AND I use my CBT skills because let's face it...medication helps but it isn't the magic bullet. You need to work on controlling your mind rather than the other way around. let me know how your doc appointment goes.
you're a shining light in the distance!
I'm going to see my Dr. tomorrow and see what we can do. I'm hesitant about taking medication just for the fact that I don't want any side effects. It's fact about serotonin and neurological manias. I agree with myself that I am not gay, the same way I did not have X Y Z in other scenarios. However, questioning something so basic and primal to our identity, something I knew about myself when I was a little kid cutting out pictures of bikini models from magazines, has profound effects, to a point that even if you YOURSELF say NO I am NOT, you have doubt. You have doubt because of having the doubt itself. Which is just OCD.
I'm going to see my Dr. tomorrow and see what we can do. I'm hesitant about taking medication just for the fact that I don't want any side effects. It's fact about serotonin and neurological manias. I agree with myself that I am not gay, the same way I did not have X Y Z in other scenarios. However, questioning something so basic and primal to our identity, something I knew about myself when I was a little kid cutting out pictures of bikini models from magazines, has profound effects, to a point that even if you YOURSELF say NO I am NOT, you have doubt. You have doubt because of having the doubt itself. Which is just OCD.
Oh and just so you know...I had this thought once as well. My sister who also has OCD had it too. It is nothing more than one more irrational thought that we manage to conjure up in our minds.
You know how people say that they don't know what you are going through until they have walked a mile in your shoes....well "what about those who deny the existence of hocd and are militant about saying, you're just in denial" is the same thing. These people that say things like this have absolutely no idea what it is like to have OCD. They are able to think irrational thoughts (because everybody does) but let them go.
Of course there has to be chemistry to want to sleep with somebody and I'm sure there are plenty of people who you would rather just be friends with. That doesn't mean you are gay. You are exhausted with this. Can you see a psychologist or not?
As far as the natural remedies for OCD, people have tried a few. Another is Inositol. I have not seen much success with them though. It is CBT and if that doesn't do it then it is CBT and medication (SSRIs). I take medication. Sure I was med free for a number of years but I was never OCD free. I will never be OCD free. Medication has given me back a life that I can enjoy. One where I can say "whatever" to the stupid thought and let it go.
Think about it. It is a neurotransmitter disorder. There isn't enough serotonin floating around in our brains to help the cells function properly. You take a medication which allows more serotonin to be around, and your brain chemistry changes for the better.
Of course there has to be chemistry to want to sleep with somebody and I'm sure there are plenty of people who you would rather just be friends with. That doesn't mean you are gay. You are exhausted with this. Can you see a psychologist or not?
As far as the natural remedies for OCD, people have tried a few. Another is Inositol. I have not seen much success with them though. It is CBT and if that doesn't do it then it is CBT and medication (SSRIs). I take medication. Sure I was med free for a number of years but I was never OCD free. I will never be OCD free. Medication has given me back a life that I can enjoy. One where I can say "whatever" to the stupid thought and let it go.
Think about it. It is a neurotransmitter disorder. There isn't enough serotonin floating around in our brains to help the cells function properly. You take a medication which allows more serotonin to be around, and your brain chemistry changes for the better.
Also if you could be so kind i giving me your opinion, could this hocd have developed from my traumatic relationship? From my low sex drive caused by it? My shame in thinking about sex and my ex girlfriend? Being lonely?
As I stated, I am hanging out with a female friend whom I thought about having a sexual relationship but I just don't want to. I don't feel attracted to her in that way. Prior to this hocd, there were many women whom I did not want to be sexual with, just not my cup of tea. This is normal? Could this have been the "seed" that planted the hocd?
As I stated, I am hanging out with a female friend whom I thought about having a sexual relationship but I just don't want to. I don't feel attracted to her in that way. Prior to this hocd, there were many women whom I did not want to be sexual with, just not my cup of tea. This is normal? Could this have been the "seed" that planted the hocd?
Once again thank you!
Yesterday I had what I gues you could call a OCD spike after an intrusive thought. I thought I would actually like to perform oral on a man and enjoy it. That I wanted it. Of course I panicked a bit! I don't and I would never think about doing it! I can't sleep with one man let alone numerous men. I could never entertain those ideas not out of denial but it's not true to me. I won't be happy doing that. How could I possibly be gay. It's truly exhausting. I know this is hocd but what about those who deny the existence of hocd and are militant about saying, you're just in denial.
If I may ask, what's your opinion, if any on st.johns wort ad ocd?
Yesterday I had what I gues you could call a OCD spike after an intrusive thought. I thought I would actually like to perform oral on a man and enjoy it. That I wanted it. Of course I panicked a bit! I don't and I would never think about doing it! I can't sleep with one man let alone numerous men. I could never entertain those ideas not out of denial but it's not true to me. I won't be happy doing that. How could I possibly be gay. It's truly exhausting. I know this is hocd but what about those who deny the existence of hocd and are militant about saying, you're just in denial.
If I may ask, what's your opinion, if any on st.johns wort ad ocd?
EXACTLY...that is what OCD is. We want to control everything around us. Every possible outcome to any given situation we go over in our minds. We catastrophize everything to the nth degree. There is no cup is half full with us...it is cup is flipping empty. Please think about therapy. There are lots of ways to help change your thinking. The bottom line is this is a neurotransmitter disorder and it needs to be corrected via medication or we need to find mind/body coping strategies. Controlled breathing helps. Replacing negative thoughts with positive ones helps. Self-coaching helps. If you can't see a therapist then look into the books The OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD which is sort of a CBT do-it-yourself book. Also people recommend Brain Lock although I have personally never read it and I liked Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani. In any event, you are never going to be OCD free because that too is hard-wired but it is manageable. Take care of you!!!
In addition, I obsess about uncertainty. I obsessed about not having closure. I dislike uncertainty when things are up in the air and there's no "solid" proof to quell my thoughts, it only worsens it.
I want to seriously thank you for taking time out to read my rather lengthy post and answering it. OCD is a mother....... And it always hijacks me for a several days to weeks then off it goes. Quickly awaiting for another opportunity to come and take control. I guess my ocd worsen when I checked out a website "empty closets" and most of them deny the existence of hocd and how it's just our minds in denial. Truthfully, I'm in a state of obviously seeing the irrationality behind it but my mind bifurcated and it's logic vs. Irrationality. Im not gay but I'm able to see a man and say "yeah he's good looking lucky *******" but the other part now all of a sudden will say "he's cute!!" Something I've never did before. Anyway thank you!
Hi there. So in reading your post the first thing I noticed is that you said "since I left my relationship" so I am assuming you are the one that ended it. Obviously you still harbored feelings for her even though you were no longer with her and just maybe with your OCD issues you felt ill equipped to tackle her biopolar disorder. It is hard to help somebody else with their mental state when your own needs tending to. Don't beat yourself up about it.
You know how OCD works. You go from one thing to the next. You seek out that much needed closure only to have something else takes it place. It is like running around in a circle. I hope that you know now that testing is bad, bad for people with OCD. Just makes us run even more.
Anyway, you said that the OCD you experienced after you and your ex spllit up "paralyzed you." Well from past experience paralyzing OCD leads to depression. I don't know about you but I can't even eat when I'm in it this deep so sex is the farthest thing from my mind. There is no joy in anything really. So it all makes perfect sense why you would lose your desire sexually. And of course...what happens when you have off the hook OCD...you overanalyze the fact that you have no desire and next thing you know you are experiencing HOCD. I happen to believe HOCD is very, very real. You have only to look on this forum to see the number of people that suffer from it and you know they all can't be gay! My guess is that none of them are.
This is my take on it. We are either born gay or we are not. It is hard-wired in our chromosomes. We don't just wake up one day and become gay. So looking at your past OCD experiences, you have to know that this is just one more trick your mind is playing on you. I call it OMG for obsessive mind game or of course simply Oh My God because it is so flipping annoying.
It is very normal to notice guys and in my case girls. Hell I notice them all the time because frankly I want to look as good as they do. I notice how they look in their jeans, how their hair looks, etc. Doesn't make me gay. Part of therapy is actually picturing yourself doing what you are afraid of. So in this case if you pictured yourself having sex with a guy, which I believe you sort of mentioned you did, and there is no urge to run out and find a boyfriend then you cannot possibly be gay.
Have you ever had any help for your OCD from a psychologist or psychiatrist? If not, then you really should look into it. Cognitive behavioral therapy is in my opinion crucial for someone who has OCD and of course there are medications out there that are very effective. I think that since you seem to be in a more uncontrolled OCD state right now, you should think about seeing a therapist sooner rather than later. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You will have the life you dreamed of that includes a wife and kids. I know right now it doesn't seem like it but once you get a handle on these irrational thoughts, you will be fine.
You know how OCD works. You go from one thing to the next. You seek out that much needed closure only to have something else takes it place. It is like running around in a circle. I hope that you know now that testing is bad, bad for people with OCD. Just makes us run even more.
Anyway, you said that the OCD you experienced after you and your ex spllit up "paralyzed you." Well from past experience paralyzing OCD leads to depression. I don't know about you but I can't even eat when I'm in it this deep so sex is the farthest thing from my mind. There is no joy in anything really. So it all makes perfect sense why you would lose your desire sexually. And of course...what happens when you have off the hook OCD...you overanalyze the fact that you have no desire and next thing you know you are experiencing HOCD. I happen to believe HOCD is very, very real. You have only to look on this forum to see the number of people that suffer from it and you know they all can't be gay! My guess is that none of them are.
This is my take on it. We are either born gay or we are not. It is hard-wired in our chromosomes. We don't just wake up one day and become gay. So looking at your past OCD experiences, you have to know that this is just one more trick your mind is playing on you. I call it OMG for obsessive mind game or of course simply Oh My God because it is so flipping annoying.
It is very normal to notice guys and in my case girls. Hell I notice them all the time because frankly I want to look as good as they do. I notice how they look in their jeans, how their hair looks, etc. Doesn't make me gay. Part of therapy is actually picturing yourself doing what you are afraid of. So in this case if you pictured yourself having sex with a guy, which I believe you sort of mentioned you did, and there is no urge to run out and find a boyfriend then you cannot possibly be gay.
Have you ever had any help for your OCD from a psychologist or psychiatrist? If not, then you really should look into it. Cognitive behavioral therapy is in my opinion crucial for someone who has OCD and of course there are medications out there that are very effective. I think that since you seem to be in a more uncontrolled OCD state right now, you should think about seeing a therapist sooner rather than later. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You will have the life you dreamed of that includes a wife and kids. I know right now it doesn't seem like it but once you get a handle on these irrational thoughts, you will be fine.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Community
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Condoms are the most effective way to prevent HIV and STDs.
PrEP is used by people with high risk to prevent HIV infection.
