Aa
Two Months after HOCD? read please
Hi everybody I am sixteen years old boy.
It's been two months ago since I had fears of being homosexual. If you want to read my story you can find it here:
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder-OCD-/I-dont-understand-gay-help-i-have-ocd/show/2810970#post_13569702
Anyway, back in August just before school started I were having fear of Diabetes, and It caused me alot of stress, anxiety, headaches and so on. I had palpitations all the time, I felt hopeless, no one to talk to, searched up alot of things on the internet to confirm things. I really stressed but this OCD disappeared after two weeks after my friend persuade me and changed my mind. He said "It's impossible for you to have diabetes because you don't get it in one week and you don't have any diabetes sufferrer in your family, you also work-out alot and don't eat alot of sugar." Yea It disappeared in 3 days.
THEN, after my OCD about diabetes disappeared I stumbled on the title "How to know if you are gay" on the internet, I found it intresting, I can even say back then I was very homophobic (this was just some days after my ocd about diabetes disappeared). So I searched more about it, got more curious and I let it go.
Then some days after that, the how to know if you're gay started to stick in my brain. I became scared and stressed out because I didn't know why it would stay and therefore the gay thoughts started to hit me. I became MORE scared, MORE stressed, MORE anxious, I didn't know where to go, what to do, how to let it go.
But SOMEHOW it started to disappear because my mentality were too strong for the gay thoughts and they disappeared in a little matter of time, before high school even started. During this period, from August to December, I did have a crush on a girl, like I could feel the happiness in me, I always predicted how the future would look if we were together and so on... But I decided to let her go because I live too far away but it didn't really hurt my feelings though. Then after some weeks I started chatting with another girl and I could feel the happiness when I chatted with her.
DURING this school semester I didn't really have time for these thoughts. I stressed alot because of my grade and I worried really much about the future, my parents always nagged because I chose a bad high school, I didn't really like my class because it was very grouped and messy and It always became problems with my courses and scheme and my parents were angry about that and kept nagging, giving me alot of pressure and responsibility (in the meantime I was not happy and so on). Yea It was really stressy, but back to the topic, during this time I could say I am straight and everything. I only have guys as my friends and closest friends, but i do have some "girl" friends. I masturbated alot, maybe three four times a week, I am a very horny person and I always masturbate thinking of girls, i have done that ever since I was 11 years old when i started watching porn! I still watch straight or girl porn till today!
So I transfered school, I became happy, not as much stress as always. But during the winter break OF COURSE THE OCD WOULD COME, but this time twice as hard. ( You can read my post when I came to this website in December because my brain were burned out. I were having gay thoughts, scared, lost, stressed and anxious. I thought i were going to have a heart attack because my heart were beating loud like a drum.
Then people helped me here, on how to regain confidence, tips on when ocd hits, how to control my stress levels and everything. THANK YOU! I accepted homosexuality and my homophobic thoughts disappeared.
Even though hard times with school and more come, I know how to control my stress and anxiety, i rarely get palpitation anymore because i know how to control it.
But I masturbate like everyday, and every time i do it i become a little stressed about it and it feels like my hormone things are weird. I am sometimes in a very bad mood and sometimes i want to be alone and sometimes i don't know how i feel or how to feel.
So two months after HOCD attack during december, there was this guy in my class looking at my weirdly and long, I automatically get anxious feelings and I don't know how I feel. And these weeks as i said before, my attractions for girls have dropped ALOT, before i was really horny towards girls and I would get erections all the time! Nowadays it doesn't happen like usual and I get more anxious because of that. Those gay thoughts attacks my brain like a bee. I am slowly getting scared again, is it because i am still sixteen and my hormon levels are going up and down and many things are changing! I still now and then search for on how to know if you are gay. Lately i have been sleeping really bad because of school and so on. I get a little anxious, but the thought of "accepted me being gay" still attacks me but my body won't react to it as much as it did before -> i get more confused about my indentify and my feelings.
Some weeks or months ago I couldn't even differentiate between good looking guys and ugly guys, like before I didn't have ANY thoughts on boys, because i was litterly 100% into girls. But now when then anxiety has come back little my brain starts to play with me saying that "ohhh that boy is more handsome", it's driving me nuts.
As i said before it could maybe be puberty, but my attraction for girls have dropped, I can feel it that way, i'm not as hungry and horny anymore, I don't know why.
And I haven't talked to a psychologist or curator yet, I don't know why.
But I am scared...
It's been two months ago since I had fears of being homosexual. If you want to read my story you can find it here:
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder-OCD-/I-dont-understand-gay-help-i-have-ocd/show/2810970#post_13569702
Anyway, back in August just before school started I were having fear of Diabetes, and It caused me alot of stress, anxiety, headaches and so on. I had palpitations all the time, I felt hopeless, no one to talk to, searched up alot of things on the internet to confirm things. I really stressed but this OCD disappeared after two weeks after my friend persuade me and changed my mind. He said "It's impossible for you to have diabetes because you don't get it in one week and you don't have any diabetes sufferrer in your family, you also work-out alot and don't eat alot of sugar." Yea It disappeared in 3 days.
THEN, after my OCD about diabetes disappeared I stumbled on the title "How to know if you are gay" on the internet, I found it intresting, I can even say back then I was very homophobic (this was just some days after my ocd about diabetes disappeared). So I searched more about it, got more curious and I let it go.
Then some days after that, the how to know if you're gay started to stick in my brain. I became scared and stressed out because I didn't know why it would stay and therefore the gay thoughts started to hit me. I became MORE scared, MORE stressed, MORE anxious, I didn't know where to go, what to do, how to let it go.
But SOMEHOW it started to disappear because my mentality were too strong for the gay thoughts and they disappeared in a little matter of time, before high school even started. During this period, from August to December, I did have a crush on a girl, like I could feel the happiness in me, I always predicted how the future would look if we were together and so on... But I decided to let her go because I live too far away but it didn't really hurt my feelings though. Then after some weeks I started chatting with another girl and I could feel the happiness when I chatted with her.
DURING this school semester I didn't really have time for these thoughts. I stressed alot because of my grade and I worried really much about the future, my parents always nagged because I chose a bad high school, I didn't really like my class because it was very grouped and messy and It always became problems with my courses and scheme and my parents were angry about that and kept nagging, giving me alot of pressure and responsibility (in the meantime I was not happy and so on). Yea It was really stressy, but back to the topic, during this time I could say I am straight and everything. I only have guys as my friends and closest friends, but i do have some "girl" friends. I masturbated alot, maybe three four times a week, I am a very horny person and I always masturbate thinking of girls, i have done that ever since I was 11 years old when i started watching porn! I still watch straight or girl porn till today!
So I transfered school, I became happy, not as much stress as always. But during the winter break OF COURSE THE OCD WOULD COME, but this time twice as hard. ( You can read my post when I came to this website in December because my brain were burned out. I were having gay thoughts, scared, lost, stressed and anxious. I thought i were going to have a heart attack because my heart were beating loud like a drum.
Then people helped me here, on how to regain confidence, tips on when ocd hits, how to control my stress levels and everything. THANK YOU! I accepted homosexuality and my homophobic thoughts disappeared.
Even though hard times with school and more come, I know how to control my stress and anxiety, i rarely get palpitation anymore because i know how to control it.
But I masturbate like everyday, and every time i do it i become a little stressed about it and it feels like my hormone things are weird. I am sometimes in a very bad mood and sometimes i want to be alone and sometimes i don't know how i feel or how to feel.
So two months after HOCD attack during december, there was this guy in my class looking at my weirdly and long, I automatically get anxious feelings and I don't know how I feel. And these weeks as i said before, my attractions for girls have dropped ALOT, before i was really horny towards girls and I would get erections all the time! Nowadays it doesn't happen like usual and I get more anxious because of that. Those gay thoughts attacks my brain like a bee. I am slowly getting scared again, is it because i am still sixteen and my hormon levels are going up and down and many things are changing! I still now and then search for on how to know if you are gay. Lately i have been sleeping really bad because of school and so on. I get a little anxious, but the thought of "accepted me being gay" still attacks me but my body won't react to it as much as it did before -> i get more confused about my indentify and my feelings.
Some weeks or months ago I couldn't even differentiate between good looking guys and ugly guys, like before I didn't have ANY thoughts on boys, because i was litterly 100% into girls. But now when then anxiety has come back little my brain starts to play with me saying that "ohhh that boy is more handsome", it's driving me nuts.
As i said before it could maybe be puberty, but my attraction for girls have dropped, I can feel it that way, i'm not as hungry and horny anymore, I don't know why.
And I haven't talked to a psychologist or curator yet, I don't know why.
But I am scared...
Hi Patrick,
Yep, ocd can go away for a while but then something can trigger it and it comes roaring back. Or it can do what it did to you - you get over one obsession only to replace it with something else. I know, I've done it myself.
As JGF25 said, you aren't gay and can't suddenly become gay. You haven't lost your sexual attraction to females, you have lost your sexual drive in general. Anxiety can do that to you. When you are worried, the part of your brain that controls sex drive shuts down. Your brain thinks you are in danger and procreation is put on the back burner.
Seeing a guy and noticing he is handsome does not make you gay. You can see a woman's dress that is beautiful but that doesn't mean you want to wear it yourself, right? If you recognize that a guy is handsome, it may just be that you want to look more like him to attract girls.
I think you should talk to a therapist. They can really help with OCD. I would also recommend regular vigorous exercise and perhaps try meditation. If you don't know how, there are instructional videos on YouTube.
Yep, ocd can go away for a while but then something can trigger it and it comes roaring back. Or it can do what it did to you - you get over one obsession only to replace it with something else. I know, I've done it myself.
As JGF25 said, you aren't gay and can't suddenly become gay. You haven't lost your sexual attraction to females, you have lost your sexual drive in general. Anxiety can do that to you. When you are worried, the part of your brain that controls sex drive shuts down. Your brain thinks you are in danger and procreation is put on the back burner.
Seeing a guy and noticing he is handsome does not make you gay. You can see a woman's dress that is beautiful but that doesn't mean you want to wear it yourself, right? If you recognize that a guy is handsome, it may just be that you want to look more like him to attract girls.
I think you should talk to a therapist. They can really help with OCD. I would also recommend regular vigorous exercise and perhaps try meditation. If you don't know how, there are instructional videos on YouTube.
This is the pattern of OCD. Idle minds can go to the dark side if you let them. Also stress can make OCD worse. What you have to remember is that this thought did go away right. So if it can go away once it can go away again. AND the first time you had this thought you gave it no power over you by not fearing it. So don't fear it. You are not gay and you won't wake up one day and be gay.
1 Comments
Yes, the fear went away a little bit after the OCD hit me around december. Right now It feels like I have lost my sexual attractions for female, and that scares me because it has never been like this before. I've even heard that anxiety can sometimes cause sexual arousal. It could be the stress from school and fear of OCD.
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