Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Community
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Avatar universal

Why does this HOCD feel so real?

It feels like i can't control my thoughts and my groinal reposes have gotten worst i keep thinking that I am turning bisexual this is driving me crazy. I feel as if I am just in   denial and all this HOCD is just an excuse for me not to be gay or bi I am so confused how can someone go their whole lives liking girls and suddenly just start having these thoughts i feel like all these thoughts came out of no where. I was happy the way i was now i can barley look at TV because of all these groinal responses it's like every time i try to think of a girl a man pops into my head i tried to masturbate to the gay thoughts and it didn't feel right it just felt weird but yet i continued to do it just to see if i could ejaculate and i did which made me think that this is what i want. This all started from me looking at  transsexual porn I've seen pretty much every type of porn but i never even considered looking at transsexual porn up until 4 months ago. I didn't realize it would cause this problem i have now i was exposed to porn at a very young age around i just don't know how to get these gay thoughts out of my head. The give me groinal responses i just don't know what to do maybe I am just a latent homosexual or bisexual i don't think I am a Homophobe. I've never had anything against gay or bi people nor does my mom or sister so it's not a family issue either i just don't get it I've liked girls since i was 4 and now I am getting these thoughts at 18 ugh why is this happening to me all i ever wanted was to have a girlfriend and now that this has happened i don't think i'll ever get one I am just entering high school this is supposed to be the best year of my life but now it is the worst i feel as if the past 18 years of my life have been a lie maybe i should just accept that I am gay or bi and just come out the closet i know my mom would be surprised. Sometimes i wish i could just sleep forever because that is the only time i don't really think so much. Why does this feel so real?
21 Responses
1699033 tn?1514113133
I'm not going back and rereading your other posts. What have you done to help yourself? I'm sure I told you that all this " testing" has got to stop.
Avatar universal
Dude I'm going through the same thing.  


Chances are you aren't gay. You're just encountering your worst fear.  If you were gay would be more afraid to tell the public that you were gay than yourself turning gay.  

Plus stop reading other peoples problems especially on sites such as yahoo or google forums.  Those people are just trying to get into your head with nonsense.  I personally don't believe that somebody can just realize they are gay later in life.  You can't just randomly go from straight to gay unless you knew at an early age and just denied it sooooo much that you forced yourself to think you're straight.  

I know that isn't the case for me because I can very well remember my first crush and it was a girl.  

I'm having the same trouble too and IT IS TERRIBLE!!! You just gotta know how to stop the patterns and everything will be solved.  
Avatar universal
What scares me is that i saw this picture of two men having sex today just to test myself and i dont know if i was aroused or if i wasn't but i masturbated just to see if it really did and i ejaculated then after i just started to cry this must mean im gay or bi i just don't know what to believe anymore i don't know if it feels wrong because of the groinal responses but at the same time it does feel wrong it's like every time i see a girl or try to think of one now they all have penises which makes me think i want to be with transsexuals now
Avatar universal
i also remember my first crush it was a girl when i was 5
Avatar universal
I made a post about HOCD about 2 weeks ago. I am a lot better now after seeing a therapist and I can tell you from personal experience, the healing process starts with you.

You need to accept the fact that you may be gay, and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. If you're like me, and extremely analytic with every single thing that happens to you, you're just going to dig yourself into a deeper hole with all the checking and what not.

I figured that there should really be no fear of being gay in the first place, sexually is determined at birth so why would you try to change who you are meant to be just to fit in, it's dumb.

You need to expose yourself to gay people, gay movies, gay magazines, every single thing that is gay. I know this sounds extremely crazy but it is truly the only way to get better, JUST ACCEPT THE FACT THAT YOU MAY BE GAY.

What helped me "break" the awkwardness I had around gay people is watching coming out videos on youtube. Just watch them, and don't think anything about yourself.... just try to understand how they felt (DO NOT RELATE IT TO YOURSELF). I spent 2 hours straight yesterday watching these videos, and after when I went out in public, men were no longer on my mind, all I saw were women and how pretty they were.

I'm not completely healed, but again, the first step to healing yourself comes with the fact that you may be gay, and you MUST accept that. Hell, I may even turn out to be gay, but you know, that's alright because I really don't care that much anymore.
Avatar universal
How is this supposed to help me im going to just think im gay and end up  doing gay things it's like i would be accepting im gay when im not and does that mean i have to come out as gay
You were actually trying to get into peoples heads by your comments. Everything you're saying is extremely insensitive and you need to learn how to control what you say to people that are going through this. You literally make it seem like riding a roller coaster and being gay is the same thing. You need to learn your facts and you need to maybe talk to a different psychologist because obviously they're telling you some weird things. Just because you're over it doesn't mean you can start  saying all these things thinking you're some expert. I know this is a forum, but you cannot compare two completely opposite things I think that's going to help. So basically you're saying if you have a fear of a roller coaster then ride the roller coaster, if you have a fear of being gay then be gay if you gay stuff is basically what you're telling this guy.  To the guy who posted this do not listen to this ignorant person. He is just spewing ignorance.
He's actually right. You deflate the fear by confronting it. It's called exposure therapy and it's highly effective for treating OCD
Avatar universal
If you really think that then I'm sorry man, I was there 2 weeks ago and now I feel f***ing excellent. HOCD stems from the fear of becoming gay, if you expose yourself to your fear, and get comfortable enough with your fear then its no longer going to cause you anxiety.

"im going to just think im gay and end up  doing gay things"
No you won't, think about it... If you have a fear of roller coasters, the only way to overcome that fear is to ride roller coasters over and over until you find them fun. Now I'm not saying that you should become gay while doing this, but you really do need to address the issue to yourself. The only person that knows if you are gay is you, if you truly don't think that you are, then you're not.

"does that mean i have to come out as gay"
No. It does not, why would you need to come out? As far as I'm concerned the exposure to gay people and how they act will get you comfortable with the idea of gays, ultimately killing your fear of becoming gay.

Here's the thing that ticked in my mind that made me realize that this whole "illness" is extremely stupid. If you really are gay, you were born that way.... why are you running away from who you are? Wouldn't you rather be happy and joyful than suffering through these thoughts every waking moment of your life? Now I'm not saying that you're gay, but I hope you know where I'm coming from when you say this.

Common things I tell myself when I have a gay thought/intrusive thought.
Instead of "Oh my god why do I think that guy is attractive, am I gay, why do I think that...." where this goes on forever
Think "Oh, I may be gay, and that's alright." and end the thought there.

Once you accept the 2nd quote, you will stop feeling so god damn anxious around people. Trust me on that, I have lost majority of my friends over the past 8 months due to the anxiety my HOCD produced in social situations. Aren't you tired of it? Just give it up man, you know you're not gay, but you need to EXPOSE YOURSELF TO YOUR FEAR, IT IS THE ONLY WAY TO GET OVER IT.
Avatar universal
Also I noticed that you have like 5 posts all about HOCD. Get off these forums man, it's not helping you. Go get a gym membership and start meditating, its the ****
Avatar universal
Like Irichy said accept the fact that you are having these thoughts and that you "MIGHT" be gay. key word "MIGHT!"  You are either born gay or not. I don't believe that BS some people put on the internet about turning gay later in life and not realizing it. That's some Bull Sh*t.  Every gay person I know has been gay since they were young. It's not something that just happens to you randomly in life without you having some kind of clue along the way.  

Also I read an article by Fred prenzel phd. saying that anxiety+stress is very similar to the way you feel when you REALLY like someone.  But when you have ocd thoughts about irrational things such as turning gay anxiety will make you really believe in these thoughts.  It may feel like you're turned on or like some guy but you really don't.   This has happened to me.  It's made me believe that I liked  one of my friends who is gay but the anxiety is what is making you and me believe it.  The only reason this thought came into my mind was because he was gay and made me think well if he's gay that means I must be attracted to gays now.  THAT'S NOT THE CASE!  you're mind is very powerful and can work against you such as HOCD.  

Dude if you were born gay you would have know a long time ago when you started liking girls.  I always have liked girls before all this and had sexual feelings toward a few.  This has F***ED up my life for a month and a half.  And I need to continue my life exactly the way it was before which i had a lot of goals which have been put on the back burner because of this.  All we have to do is encounter our fears.  And accept the possibility that we might be gay.  Chances are we aren't!!!! END OF STORY!! If you've always liked girls before than you're straight!!! You're sexual orientation can not be changed.  
Avatar universal
I went to emptyclosets.com and they say HOCD isn't real and that people use HOCD as an excuse for being gay or bi and now i think maybe they are right maybe i am coming to a realization or something all this gay stuff in my head is so strong I've cried like 5 times today  this stuff feels like i truly am gay or bi because now when i get the thoughts i barely get anxiety and i start to laugh a little i dont know why tho maybe im happy about these thoughts i don't know
Avatar universal
i can barely go to the bathroom without thinking im gay
Avatar universal
dude HOCD is real bro.  


Read that. Don't believe what random people say on the internet unless it's from reliable sites such as this one.  And the guy who wrote this has a phd.  I think I'm gonna believe this guy rather than some random dude on empty closet.

In all honesty have you ever wanted to be with/marry/kiss/have sex with another man before all this ocd? If yes then there is a good possibility you could be gay. If no than that's it YOU ARE NOT GAY!! stop killing yourself over something so simple.  

Avatar universal
Some people say that evolution isn't real, do you believe that? (If you're religious then think of it the other way around).

It's an opinion, & they don't know what it's like to have this fear because their fear manifested from not being accepted for being gay. YOUR fear is that you do not want to become gay. There is a huge difference here.

It's also known that people with "HOCD" cannot stop the impulses of fearing that they may be gay, while people who are in the closet can stop their sexual thoughts if they please. Your quote about how you can't even take a **** without thinking you're gay is a huge backup to that statement, your mind is plagued by these thoughts, and there seems to be no way out right? I was there before, and you want to know how I helped myself? I went on sites just like that and just read about how people realized they were gay, I EXPOSED myself to gay culture which got comfortable with the fact that being gay isn't as bad that we HOCD-ers make it out to be. After accepting this fact, I no longer had the fear of becoming gay and the thoughts have been slowly drifting away ever since.

I can tell you that I went to a Japanese Steakhouse with two gay guys yesterday (one is my friend the other his his friend) and held perfect conversations with them while feeling extremely comfortable. I'm also not afraid to say the random guy was attractive, where two weeks ago I would be ******** myself with constant "Why do I think this?" streams in my head. Does this mean I want to make love to him and marry him? No. I just thought he was a good looking guy, and the fact that I can now appreciate good looking men has really hindered my intrusive thoughts.

You really should read this, it's something I found off of google and it even includes someone who says they "needed transsexual/gay stuff to jolt (him) into arousal". Read this whole article, and understand that when I talk about exposure I'm talking about exposure therapy, which means don't look at gay porn (you pornaholic, you).


The part I quoted is under the "Classic sexual conditioning" section.

Good luck, friend.
Avatar universal
I have hocd as well. One thing that helps me that you should know is, if it is a fear, then it is ocd/hocd. THIS IS A FEAR. IT IS NOT REAL. Try your best to go without "checking," checking actually worsens ocd/hocd. That is the compulsion part of it, checking allows the ocd/hocd to grab stronghold. If you were really gay you would be afraid of people not liking you for it, not worried about being gay in itself. It gets better I promise!
Avatar universal
Dude i have exactly wat u have" ocd is the worst **** ever!! Im starting to learn that i probably aint  gay my freshmen year in highschool was the worst year of my life all i would think of  was if i was gay and it made me feel extremely uncomfortable" but i discovered that if you accept that ur gay ur brain will stop thinking off those thoughts and if ur really not gay than ull  stop those thoughts" it takes time tho but think of it i dont think anybody could turn gay at.age 18 neither my age 15 althought its extremely difficult to beat ocd"
Avatar universal
I've been dealing with hocd for about two months. I barely found out about hocd a few days ago. I don't know if I should tell my boyfriend what I'm going through, since I've had hocd I worry about being bisexual. I randomly have images of other women in my head and I don't know how to deal with it. I thought I was going through a bisexual phase but this fear is almost 24/7. When I'm not thinking about it I'm not worried but a thought comes in my head and then I can't stop thinking about it. I recently went to a gay club with my boyfriend and friends and a lesiban woman wanted to dance with me and it was very uncomfortable and didn't see myself with a woman. I feel like if i tell anyone else about my hocd they'll laugh and tell me I am bisexual when I know I'm not but having images pop in my head makes me doubt I'm heterosexual.
1699033 tn?1514113133
True OCD is a mind game that we play on ourselves.  We say black and our mind says white.  If the majority of your day is taken up with these types of thoughts that you just cannot let go, then you need to seek out the help of a psychologist.  It is a tough challenge to come up with coping mechanisms all by yourself.  There are professionals out there that teach you how to get your mind back under your control.  Don't be afraid to reach out to one of them.  
Avatar universal
Hi Im a 13 year old girl and its taken me a while to do this. I love guys. I've only ever had crushes on guys, I want a husband and to get married to a guy and to have kids with him. I always have opposite sex fantasies and i rarely ever have them about girls. I get aroused by lesbian porn and straight porn. I have never had a crush on a girl or wanted to be with one.This all started about a month ago when I couldn't stop looking at girls boobs.It was like I was being draw to them and I felt uncomfortable doing it. The other day a random thought popped into my head 'am i in love with my friend?' Which I know im not because the crushes I have are completely different to that. She just kept popping into my mind and I feel like i can't talk to her anymore. She is a good friend we have lots in common and shes one of my only friends (im bullied and very insecure so i tend to cling onto any friends). I told my mum about this and she said that no matter what I become she will always love me, this didn't seem to relieve any anxiety. Im constantly depressed and I keep looking for websites that tell you that you're gay and quizzes and things. My friends were talking about a celebrity they thought was hot I just looked away and pretended I didnt hear in case they thought i was lesbian. I've had a few same sex experiences, me and my friends stuck our tongues out and they touched, I don't recall liking it.Also this girl came round to my house who I barely know and we played mums and dads, she took her shirt off and told me to get in bed with her so I did but got out straight away because it didn't feel right and I didnt want anyone seeing. I just want to love guys again before this all started I was always trying to get close to them. I was at the theatre with my class and there was this boy I liked next to me and I was trying to get close to him and him to put his arm around me (when we were in year 3 him and me held hands underneath the table which I loved :} ) I have had a boyfriend in the past it was long distance but i loved him soooo much! I was really upset when we broke up. I just want to be straight again as i hate this so much. this constant anxiety and depression is taking over my life. Interfering with my relationships with friends and family. I have a few bi friends who came out but im not sure if that made me think im gay happiness is no longer in my life and i told my mum i think i might have ocd and she laughed so i don't think i'll be going to a therapist . Please help! Sorry for rambling
Thanks :}
Avatar universal
The celebrity was a girl sorry forgot to add that in :P
Avatar universal
THanks Its ruin my life and I am also think that the causes you mention are true...thanks again for help and once again I totally agree with Ur point of view.....
Avatar universal
hello my name is alexandre zebeda and i'm 19 years old, one day me and my girl listened to queen and she learned his history and told me that she would be affraid that i leave her for a guy and since that day i kept i my head the though about leaving her for a man, but the thing is i have loved womens my whole lives and never though about my sexuality because for me heterosexuality i took it for granted, i know some friend's who are gay but it never bothered me because i have respect for them and i knew  that it wasn't my stuff, but now those thoughs are in my head and i can't get them away and it 's making me mad, depressed, shamefull and feeling like suicidal, i know that i am straight but my mind tells me that i am gay and show's me images of me doing thing's i would never do because i know who i am, it has become a living nightmares thinking about those thoughts who comes bac, i tried porn to see if i still straight, it help me for a while but then comes back worse and it makes me doubt if i'm in denial or not..only time it goes away for a time is when i'm with my girfriend and at those moments i feel at peace. I have never been attracted to guys but know i feel fear,weak when i see a picture of a half naked man or watches my back all time to see if a man is behind because i'm unconfortable to have a man behind me, give's me the creep...i just whant to finish my self, those thought come back stronger and i Don't know how to get theme away for good… and because of those thoughs, images and urges i can't ave my head fully in work...Always analysing my thoughs but i end often been depressed or really angry !...i though for a while am i gay or bi but it feels wrong, i feel REALLY attracted to girl but feel's Nothing for mens but the thought keeps saying that i am or in denial… please help me i can't take this anymore...
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