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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Community
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Avatar universal

am i gay or has hocd taken control

okay, so about 5 months ago i made a post similar to this, i stopped looking up questions on yahoo and stopped testing myself to pictures of people, for about 2 months i was doing fine, my gay thoughts and worries subsided, and i wasnt that depressed, but know starting from about 3 weeks ago i started getting gay thoughts again, about a kid at school that i think i have admiration for, my mind says i want to be with him though, which depresses me, my attraction to women has dissapeared, if i see a naked  woman now i dont feel any attraction, and i i force myself to masturbated to gay thoughts, and what freaks me out is that i ejaculate quicker, than to straight thoughts. years ago one of my friends showed me his buisness, and i did the same, which i think is normal for 12 year old guys. i stopped being his friend becuz he kept showing me, like a 100 times, but know whenever i see him i keep imagining what his private looks like, and when i maturbate sometimes i picture him masturbating, im not in the thought though. and i keep having gay thoughts about the other kid i talked about in the begging. my straight thoughts havent been turning me on as much, which is leading me to believe that i have turned gay, and my straight life is gone.im not interseted in having sexual contact with either sex, but my mind says i will end up kissing ot having sex  with the guys i talked about, which makes me very depressed. everytime i see a guy who looks better than me i wonder what his **** looks like, and how big it is, i wonder what he looks like ejaculating too.i what these thoughts gone, when i masturbate to gay thoughts it doesnt feel right, a force tells me that i dont want this but another says i do. im not sure if im curious about guys or want them, i never had a thought about being gay, and i never liked guys sexually, i used to masturbated with guys in my thoughts, but i was never in them, i would in-body myself as the guys having sex with women. im worried i have become gay, and i read on yahoo, that maybe your heart is saying your gay but ur mind is saying your not, which makes me even more depressed, i never thought i was gay, kids in school always make fun of me because they think im gay, for the past 6 years, and in that time, most of my friends have been girls which also makes me think that i might be put in there mind set, when i was 6 my first love was a girl, i never liked guys romantically or sexually, until ive had these gay thoughts, in three months it will be a years since this fear has started. has hocd won and tormented me so long that i know believe im gay when im not , or am i just in denial the whole time
4 Responses
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there...again.  So you listened to some advice (have not gone back and reread your first post) and you stopped the testing and you did well.  Now the thoughts are back.  The thoughts are probably back because you are under some kind of stress right now.  Why would you think that doing the same thing won't work this time?  It worked before and you realized you are not gay.  Yes no testing but there are a host of other things you can learn to help yourself.  Did you ever see a psychologist?  
Avatar universal
no i never went to a psychologist, what freaks me out is that the thoughts arent constant anymore, which makes me think that im gay, which make me get even more depressed.
Avatar universal
and i have been getting erection to the thoughts, which also freaks me out
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
I looked back at the earlier post from February and I see that Carol sent you links to some really good articles.  Why don't you go back and give them a read.  Sometimes we need to be reminded of things when we are spiraling out of control.  

I believe you said you were 16 and that you had mentioned this to your parents.  Since the thought is back, it is time to see a psychologist.  OCD doesn't go away, we learn to manage it.  
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