hocd maybe. suicidal please help me

[stressedashell]

please help me. I've always been straight and with a really strong sex drive. about 7 months ago I started having these hocd thoughts and I couldn't get out of my mind. I started questioning whether I am lesbian or not and I don't want to be. I hate the thought. I almost feel like I am now and am just in denial. I have liked boys though since I was in first grade and didn't even know what a homosexual was. but I have always noticed beauty among women. but I wasnever attracted just ogled a little and was super duper jealous. also, I get turned on by any kind of porn, lesbian porn included or a girl dancing and it feels so gross. but I read a lot of straight women do. but I have lost all attraction for guys and am now dead afraid of lesbians, not gay guys though. I never used to be. I want my life back.  I still got jealous when a girl flirted with the guy I used to like before this all happened but yet I can't feel anything anymore just his deep numbing sadness but I want those feelings back . Please help me I am sobbing as I write this. my mom knows and said she thinks I am straight but offered to get me on meds and a pshciatrist if I wanted. but this feels so real, like my mind actually feels like it wants to be with a girl emotionally but yet I know I don't it is a repulsive thought. i'm so confused. when I first found hocd I was so releaved I was crying now I think I should just come of the closet cuz its what its making me feel like but I know I will never want to date a girl. I watched this coming out story of this girl who didn't know she was lesbian until 16 and that's how old i am. pleaseplease and now i flip out whenever i see a pretyy girl and can't get myself to stop staring and trying to chkc her out and it feels so freaking gross. i am hyperventilating PLEASE HELP I am suicidal and that scares me. I need someone to talk to who is either going through the same thing or is an hocd or ocd spealialist. i know this sounds creepy but can i call someone or email someone? I am that desperate i don't know how i am going ot make it through these next few months. my email is ***@**** please and thanks.

[stressedashell]

again thank you guys. I just wanted to know if it was normal for these intrusive thoughts to feel so real. (yes, I have always been straight) I've started to question myself if I ever felt anything for all my crushes or if I just liked the attention. which is dangerous cuz that really makes me hopeless. it makes me feel like there's no other option except to accept who "my mind keeps saying I am". ugh!!! but I know that can't be it because in first grade I had no clue what sexual attraction was but I still liked my crushes in a waaaayyy different way than I was connected to my friends. I loved sitting next to them and later when I was older being close to them. I still kinda do but no I can't even see myself with anyone. just alone somewhere.

[JGF25]

Definitely take your mom up on the offer to get psychiatric help and discuss medication if that is the way you think you want to go.  Plenty of people take meds, myself included, and my life is much different on them.  DO NOT DO ANYTHING RASH....TALKS TO YOUR PARENTS!  At some point we all realize that as hard as we try we just have no more fight left in us and that is when the depression sets in and that is when you have to realize that you can't do it alone and that you need a professional in your life.  

[whathappened82]

the fact that you're worrying about it indicates one thing.. This is something you fear.. and OCD preys off fear. you said you were straight before right? You still are. And like you I myself developed this thing when I was 16 as well.

[stressedashell]

thanks guys I really appreciate the responses. I think its tiem  for me to get  on meds and see psychiatrist. I have had ocd thoughts before but only really when my autoimmune disease is flaring up, which it is. one time I convinced myself I hated my name. I really felt I hated it  and now I look back and realize how stupid a thought that was. oh and melrom536 what are you under on facebook?

[melrom536]

hey i can help u because i had the same fear as you. i wanted to commit suicide too and my life was a hell but i investigated a lot and some doubts went off my mind. if you want u can add me on facebook. you can send me a private message.. but RELAX! i read what u wrote and i asure u that you're NOT GAY!!! it's just your mind. there is a solution, dont panic. i am totally cured.

[ilikecomputers]

RELAX. CALM DOWN.

If you think you're going to hurt yourself, seek help immediately. Tell your parents. I can assure you that your sexual orientation is not a good reason to do this. You have your whole life ahead of you, and it's not worth throwing away over this. These are temporary thoughts and feelings due to extreme stress and anxiety.

I think you should take your mother's advice and see a doctor/therapist and possibly get on some meds. A lot of people in this world don't have access to this kind of thing, so you should USE IT! Consider yourself lucky! Stop going on the internet and googling and posting in forums and go see a psychiatrist.

As for your orientation, only you know what it is. Nobody on this forum can tell you. I think your priority right now should be to see a professional though. Quit obsessing over this. You have your health, you have parents who love you, focus on the positive. Seek help.