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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Community
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Avatar universal

hocd please help

Hello I'm suffering from a really bad case of HOCD(fear of being gay) I can't seem to shake it.. It's starting to become my every thought..the what ifs and the fear.. I have never had romantic thoughts or even questioned my sexuality til about a month or so ago..Im scared I've lost my sex drive..the girl of.my dreams and I have finally started talking..but my brain tells me it doesn't matter your gay..the thought makes my stomach weak. I've suffered from OCD in the past(HIV,Germs and dying) I also have suffered from bulima since highschool..but I seemed to shake all of those I can't shake this for some reason..like it seems too real. I just need some advice.. it seems like my OCD is shifting to something new everytime i beat the old one..I also have started a fear of becoming a *********.. I.seeked a therpist and start Monday..just any hope/advice would be appreciated. Thanks for your time. Can I beat this I know I.don't wanna be gay my mind says accept it..but I.know if I would know I was gay before I started to fear it..like I'm sure most gays don't just one day after years and years of not thinking about if and lots of sex with women think oh I'm gay..I need to become the old me I was a ladies man and never had this problem..just want hope.
14 Responses
Avatar universal
I don't know why it blocked out pedy..
943760 tn?1318604430
I suffer from Very Bad OCD as well, Just remember that it is your OCD doing this.
If you were a Homosexual, you would have known about it a long time ago.
It is not something that just happens; It's a way of Mind as well as a way of Live.
I can relate to you in ways I was born an Asexual.  Talk about being messed up, I live my life with emptiness.
Use logic to fight your OCD, you have done it before, and you can do it again!
Direct your thoughts to That girl of your Dreams, you will see that all will be fine.
Take care, and Stay Strong!
Dan
Avatar universal
Thanks that's what I was thinking like if I was truley gay I would have seen  it before ocd.. like all the times playing basketball and all of the times I was with my guy friends. I have nothing against gay people but I was always kind of uncomfortable around them and I had never looked at a guy and said damn look at him. Still don't I have been watching lesbian porn and it still works so I kno I'm still attracted to woman strongly..but for some reason this OCD is unshakeable maybe cause with the other ones I could debunk them  

HIV- if I don't sleep without protection or shoot up ill be good.

Health- checkups

Germs- wash my hands

I have no defense with this one..
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
You are definitely a classic OCD sufferer.  We tend to run the whole gamut of things and when we get rid of one thought another thought comes along.  I call it the viscious cycle that is OCD.  From being the CL on here for a while I have noticed that there are three things that most people have irrational thoughts about.  The first is HIV irrational thoughts -- you've been there done that.  The second is skin and scalp picking which you haven't done and I'm sure you won't because that is more of an impulse control problem.  And third is the dreaded HOCD.  I too had this at one point in my life and I was married at the time!  Talk about irrational.  

I'm glad that you are going to see  a therapist.  Make sure he/she knows about all your OCD symptoms and not just this HOCD one.  You need to treat the entire problem, not just one irrational thought of many.  

The above poster was right.  The majority of people who are truly gay realized it way back in elementary school.  

My husband is kicking me off the computer...I'll write more later.  
Avatar universal
Thanks is love to kno more of your knowledge
Avatar universal
Like it seems my mind is pulling things from my past and using them..like when I was 16 I worked fast food and I worked with a gay guy who was pretty cool and one time he asked me if I ever thought about being gay..then I was like no..my brain now says "why did he even have to ask you..did he see it?" I think whats happening is my mind is messed up with this OCD like 2 months ago I could watch sports not think twice and I could go to clubs and guys were like more in the way of me meeting girls..now my mind races and I get anixiety evertime im out or watching tv..something else that scares me is somedays the anixiety isnt as strong and I think well..Im giving in too it..sometimes of the day my mind forgets and then as soon as something happens it remembers and I get that stomach feeling again..Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? I hate this..
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
The thing about OCD is we are constantly "testing" ourselves.  For instance when I go on long trips since I have had a panic attack in the car while driving, I will be thinking when it is my turn to drive I'm going to have one and guess what...I do!  I worked myself right into it.  Of course, I still drive and just fight it until my mind realizes I'm not giving in and pulling over and then all is good again.  

So my point is that your mind is racing all over the place.  Backward and present and forward I'm sure.  It is natural for us to look at the same sex because we are always comparing ourselves to other people.  Am I as pretty as she is, is my body as good as hers.  You more than likely do the same thing only now it has turned around to oh my God I just looked at that guy, am I gay?  So you need to get back to the natural way of thinking.  

I think the best thing to do for you, other than seeing a therapist because that is what i think you need, what all OCD people need, is to self-coach yourself.  You know you are straight.  When the irrational thought pops into your head counter it with another that says "I love girls, I always have and always will."  Some sort of positive statement of fact.  

And I don't advise looking at a bunch of gay porn or magazines or any of that stuff trying to see whether you get aroused, it is just going to make the situation worse.  Just do what you have always naturally done.

Lastly, there is a post by someone called accountcreated who came on here and "bam" posted something very insightful and then never heard from him again.  Here is the link.  His post is at the bottom.  I think you may find it helpful since it pertains to your same situation.  

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder-OCD-/Hocd-gay-in-denialhelp-please-/show/1508056

Let me know if you need anything else.  
Avatar universal
Thanks again..I'm gonna go threw therpy I just hope I come out healed..like I feel like every move and thing I say is gay..is that normal? Lol last question..just very scary and un normal  
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think that you have to realize that if you do indeed receive a diagnosis of OCD, which I'm sure you will, it is not something you can heal so to speak.  OCD is a part of us because it is a neurotransmitter problem.  Usually it is because we don't have enough serotonin floating around in our brains.  The anti-depression medications help with this problem hence the SSRIs are called serotonin-reuptake inhibitors.  They allow more serotonin to be available as our brain needs it to control mood and for cells to communicate, etc.  I take an SNRI which affects a different neurotransmitter in my brain.  

We manage OCD.  That is what I'm doing.  I manage my OCD with medication and with cognitive behavioral therapy.  That is not to say that I don't have the occasional irrational thought but with meds and CBT, I am able to let these things go as stupid and not worth my time.  

You may not be OCD free because you probably never really were but you will be able to live your life like a normal guy just like you used to.  

Let me know how your therapy goes and don't worry (easier said than done) you are going to be just fine!  
Avatar universal
Thanks very much I hope everything goes well..I wish you the best with your OCD demons god bless ill keep you updated..
Avatar universal
Okay I start my therpy tomorrow with hoildays my therpist went out of town. I lost HOCD for a week the girl I was talking to thought she might have been pregnant but we found  out she wasn't. Well couple days ago guess who came back..HOCD.. like I know I'm not or don't wanna be gay. This is truely getting the best of me. Like last night I had a dream I was having sex with a girl woke up wasn't in fear went back to sleep had a dream a guy was on top of me and.. in the dream i wasn't bothered(nothing sexual happened) then the guy told me he was gay.. I woke up with almost enough aniexity to throw up. Like its killing me..Im starting to lose sexual feelings towards anything..me and that girl I was talking to stopped talking(mutal over fighting) I'm almost 4 months into this..I want it to end. Did you get any unwanted dreams? Like I'm scared.
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
Don't be scared.  You are doing the right thing by making the therapy appointment.  Make sure you tell the therapist everything...nothing can shock these people.  Discuss all the treatment options available that he/she thinks may help.  It could be that meds may be the best thing for you but first you have to get that all important diagnosis and then go from there.  

I know these last 4 months of really stunk but you will get past this.  

As far as dreams...absolutely.  Whatever I'm stressed about shows up in my dreams.  That is why we wake up with our hearts feeling like they are going to pound out of our chests.  If they were pleasant dreams we'd be waking up with a smile on our faces :)  

Let us know how your appointment went.  
Avatar universal
Hi! Being gay myself -- I'll tell you it took not five minutes to come upon that realization. I didn't ponder it, I just realized it, so don't worry -- you're not gay. I have a similar situation as you, though, however mine is about being transgender. I know I'm not transgender, but my mind keeps wanting to tell me otherwise. It just adds to my stress level. It's very frustrating, and I see what you are talking about. I hope your therapy appointment goes well. (I too, since the whole thought thing started about transgender, have lost a bit of my sex drive. Wierd).

All the best!
957549 tn?1273722033
Forgive me for going against the common current, but I have to say the sexuality is a lot more fluent and complex than the simplified terms and ideas we use to define it. While the obsessive thoughts are likely linked to your OCD, I don't think you should try to logic your way out of it, because if you could you would have already. There is a possibillity that you may be bisexual or gay and that your straight and have some gay thoughts or tendencies. A lot of people are mostly straight but have had a gay partner. I think the problem, in part is internalized homophobia. Have you considered allowing those thoughts to play out a little more? There's nothing wrong with discovering yourself. Forgive me if I've totally missed the point and these thoughts are truly only obsessive. I have OCD and I also had these thoughts even know I've always said I was totally straight, but when I let myself consider the possibility that I could enjoy a gay relationship, I felt better, whether or not I pursued that notion is irrelevant, but just being okay with the possibility was what broke those obsessions for me. You should discuss this with your therapist, just the vocalization alone could help.

allie
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