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scared i molested sibling (tw sexual abuse tw suicide)

Um, hi...I am very worried and upset over an incident that happened a year ago when I was eighteen. I had been having lots of sexually intrusive thoughts that were making me very distressed and was having a difficult time with it, I had a lot of groinal responses that upset me sooo much. Oneday I was laying in my older sister's bed with her just talking to her while we watched movies and things like this on her computer and my groin was kind-of lined-up with her leg. The groinal responses were so bad at the time that anybody touching me at all made me obsess about 'what if I get aroused from this' and so then I would, so I immediately felt a sensation of arousal where I was touching her leg. It felt good to me and I acknowledged that and then started to pull away because it made me really uncomfortable and upset to think about that. But I don't think I pulled away quick enough like I should have... and as I was pulling away I kind-of squeezed my thighs together to cause a pleasurable little wave of sensation in me. And I feel so guilty about doing that and I can't believe I did it. I feel like I molested her and I don't deserve to live and I can't live with myself. I remember thinking about how wrong it was to squeeze my thighs together on purpose to give myself a pleasurable feeling. But I can't remember if I thought that before or after I did it, like did I just squeeze my thighs together as a reflex because I often do it when I'm aroused normally? Or did I do it on purpose because I liked the idea of how wrong it was and knew that what I was doing was wrong? I can't remember and I feel like I'm going crazy...I don't know what to do. I don't know how I'm ever going to get over this and I know I don't deserve to. I want to tell her I'm sorry but I don't think she noticed, not at all, and I don't want to potentially traumatize her by telling her about the incident...and to be honest I'm also a horrible person and I'm scared of her judging me. I am absolutely horrified by stories of sexual abuse and have lots of friends who have been and I think it is literally the worst thing in the whole world that can ever be done and it is the one thing that is completely unforgiveable. So I don't know how I could do that...how can I be such a horrible person. I just wish I was dead so much...I really just wanted to confess here...thank you for listening to me if you read all of this. ;.;
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1699033 tn?1514113133
Here are some links:

http://beyondocd.org/expert-perspectives/articles/families-of-ocd-sufferers-seldom-get-the-help-they-need-why-they-dont-and-w

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/17/things-not-to-say-to-some_n_4781182.html
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Oh...thank you so much, you are so helpful and kind-hearted...I read the link and I will try and find the books to read too! They are very helpful and I will try my very best to keep them in mind always and remember that this is as much an illness as my physical ones. I am slowly feeling better and I want to thank you very much for helping me when I most needed it. :) You've given my heart a lot of kindness and strength. Thank you so...xoxoxo
Helpful - 0
1699033 tn?1514113133
When I am back at work I will send you some useful links for parents to read.  But for now give this a look.

http://www.wsps.info/index.php?catid=0:&id=82:ten-things-you-need-to-know-to-overcome-ocd&option=com_content&view=article

Also here are some useful books.  

The OCD Workbook:  Your Guide to Breaking free of OCD
Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani
Brain-Lock

You are developing your own coping skills because frankly you have no choice.  But what happens is when you have these spells of long-term thoughts, it leads to increased anxiety and then depression.  That is why it is so important to treat OCD.  It isn't something that you have to live with per se.  Yes it is a life long condition but it can be managed and there really is no stigma attached to it.  We don't have enough serotonin in our brains and so we either retrain our brains by learning to think differently (CBT) and/or we take medication to correct that imbalance.  If you were diabetic and needed insulin, you would take it right?  This really is no different in my mind.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank you so much for your reply...I will try and come to terms with this. :( It helps if I tell myself 'it's the OCD speaking, not me', but then of course the OCD says 'but what if what you did truly is as bad as you think, and you're just using the OCD as a way to not take it completely seriously'...but that's the way it is isn't it. ;.; I'm very worried but maybe I should just try not to think about it! I just feel like such a bad person and am unhappy with myself right now eeep...but I'm so sorry for blurting all this out to you! I hope it's okay...Thank you sooo much for your reassurances...usually I am okay but sometimes it feels absolutely overwhelming out of nowhere and can go on for weeks. :(

I haven't actually had any treatment, beyond trying on my own to reduce compulsions and things like this. I live with my mother and she doesn't really believe in psychologists and gets so upset if I try to talk about my OCD with her sometimes, so I try not to. Most everybody in my family has some type of mental illness and I think we have a lot of shame over that and because when they were younger it wasn't always safe to reveal that I think they think that if I were to reveal I'm ill by seeking treatment that I would be opening myself up to judgement and things, they're not being cruel or anything like this, I think maybe just very protective! I'm physically disabled and so I can't leave the house on my own and therefore I don't think I could seek treatment by myself. :(

I'm not usually suicidal so I'm sorry about my graphic post and please don't be worried, I would not actually commit suicide, the OCD just gives those thoughts when it is very bad. But I think this all can pass, it gets better and worse. Right now is just one of the very worst times. :) Thank you again with all my heart...you are soooo kind for taking the time to soothe me and share your thoughts. I'm forever grateful...xoxoxo
Helpful - 0
1699033 tn?1514113133
Hello there.  People with OCD pick the worse case scenario and we take it to the nth degree and analyze it, take it apart and then ultimately catastrophize it.  

It makes perfect sense to me that if you were already having sexually intrusive thoughts that you would take this "experience" and catastrophize it.  Using your own words " I am absolutely horrified by stories of sexual abuse and have lots of friends who have been and I think it is literally the worst thing in the whole world that can ever be done and it is the one thing that is completely unforgiveable."  Well this is what people with OCD do.  We only key in on the horrific because otherwise we would be wasting our time right.  

Do not say anything to your sister because I'm sure this was not anything sexual in nature.  What I want to know is what have you done as far as treatment of your OCD goes?  Have you seen a psychologist?  
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