I'm a male in my early 30s and I have had fears of HIV for many years even as a virgin so much that I would not even want to kiss a girl.
The anxiety reached new heights when I finally became sexually active in my late teens. Although I always used protection and I was sleeping with 1 girl (my girlfriend) my anxiety got worse than when I was a virgin because I felt there was now a genuine reason to worry as I was now having sex. It got so bad that after 2 years of dating the same girl we stopped having sex entirely because I couldnt deal with the worries I had, I never opened up about my anxiety to her. We stayed together a little while after that and eventually broke up. I abstained for 4 years after. I was too afraid to take a test because I feared I may have been exposed while sleeping with my girlfriend although I had no valid reason to think so. I finally decided to get some help for my anxiety because I was mentally and physically wasted from this fear I carried for years. I took a test and it was negative and I felt I had wasted so many years living in fear.
I started dating and having sex again a couple of years after the test and I have always used protection. In the last 4 years I had tests almost every year which were all negative.
About four months ago I did something really foolish and my anxiety is now driving me crazy. I was having a casual drink with friends at a bar one night and it got late and they left and went home. I should have left too but I stayed and I was quite drunk. Alone at the bar a sex worker approached me selling her services. Because of my anxiety and fears I have never gotten invloved with sex workers. This time however in my drunk state I did something foolish. I felt some sort of sympathy for her at the time as I was sure she only did what she did for the money so I told her I would give her money but I didnt want anything in return just so that she wouldn't need to sleep with anyone that night. I was going to give her money just for company, she was surprised but she agreed and sat next to me and we chatted at the bar for a bit and left together and went to my house, I should not have left with her and it was a poor drunked decision. We got to my house and we chatted while I had a few beers I had at home. She asked me again if I was sure I didnt want sex, I declined and reassured her I didnt want to sleep with her, I did not even kiss her because even in that state at the back of my mind I kept reminding myself of the risks of engaging in a sexual act with her. Eventually she wanted to sleep so I told her she could sleep in my bed but I was not going to join her so she slept alone in my bed and I stayed up for 30mins to an hour finishing up my drink and I fell aslept on my couch. In the morning I woke up and woke her up, I gave her money and asked her to leave. I was now sober and I couldn't believe I brought her home with me, I was filled with regret and I have now stopped drinking.
I have been worried each day after that. Months have passed after this incident but I have become extremely worried about that night because of 2 things. The first thing is that I do not have a clear recollection of events between the time we left the bar and the time we got home. I remember leaving the bar and getting into a taxi with her and I remember everything from the time we were walking from the car to my house. Due to the alcohol I have a black out of the actual taxi trip and generally anything that happened before we got to my house. Now I wonder endlessly if (along the way) we stopped anywhere, or did anything (however unlikely), or whether she did anything deliberately to hurt me like a use a needle.
The 2nd thing is when I slept I wonder if she woke up and came to the couch and did anything to hurt me while I slept, again like use a needle. I have been stressed since that night but recently the worry has reached new crippling heights so crippling that I have not eaten anything or slept properly in days. I have completely stopped functioning and I am constantly looking for symptoms. I am filled with regret and can't function