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HELP! Existential/Philosophical/Solipsism OCD
Hello, (Warning if sensitive to Philosophical stuff)
To get straight to the point, I'm 21, I have been diagnosed with Pathological/ Existential/Philosophical/Solipsism OCD. I used to have HOCD, Schizo-OCD, fear of becoming blind, fear of liking my mom (ie sexually) and Pedo-OCD, etc but my current bout is on a whole another level (like 100x more intense, panic attack level). I don't have any physical compulsions, but I do try to fight it through logic in my mind. It's been around a month since I was trying to fall asleep and thought, what if this world was my imagination and everything was a part of my perception. This sent me into anxiety. The next day, while I was taking a shower, I thought of the movie Inception, good movie btw, (Fight Club, Beautiful Mind, Truman Show probably didn't help either) and wondered what if I was in a dream and had a panic attack where I thought my head was going to explode. I wondered if I had to commit suicide to get back to the real world.
These thoughts led to schizo-Ocd or (maybe the Schizo-OCD led to the reality doubts) and doubting my memory (whether certain events actually happened and even though I know I was fine before, my brain finds loopholes to surpass my logic, like you created your memory rather than it is your actual memory even though I know it's my actual memory (ie doubt). There's always loopholes which is OCD I guess.
I had constant anxiety/panic attacks and my memory/concentration is lacking. I question everything (ie Why do I see what I see, why do we stop at a green light?, stupid questions, etc.) My main fear is the false sense of reality (ie Solipsism, living in a dream, and even though I know solipsism is just a thought experiment and people are, in fact, real my mind says you've been teleported into a dream/another reality where everything is the same except it's your perception, ie loopholes). I feel like I opened up a Pandora's Box of thoughts, a 2nd tier of uncontrollable thoughts. I should've just stayed in the 1st tier. My mind is so cluttered with thoughts and hectic. I'm a mess mentally.
My psychiatrist put me on Prozac (fluoxetine) and upgraded my dosage to 40mg and 2x 1mg Clonazapem (klonopin) and I have my ups and downs. However, my downs are really down and low (bad depression where I breakdown and cry, which makes me feel better for some reason) since being upgraded to 40mg on Friday due to school starting soon. I started at 10mg for a week then 20mg for 2 weeks which didn't seem to do much, but you can't tell in that short of a span with these SSRI's and my highs aren't that high. Sometimes I don't have any emotion which also *****. The derealization/depersonalization makes it worse. I have a therapist but she doesn't specialize in OCD but I guess it's better than nothing. I'll be transferred to an OCD specialist mid September.
I care about people and my friends and family so this is why this OCD is latching onto me so hard but I'm in so much pain. My family is in a financial struggle and my mom and dad always fight (hurt me terribly to see my family so disjointed and I'm an only child) which probably added to the stress which led to the attack (maybe subconsciously trying to escape from this reality?). Sometimes I feel if I just black out, the world will end, reality will end.
However, my mom and dad both love me and are doing their best to help me out and not fight and care for me during this time which I appreciate. But I keep doubting whether my parents are real or a part of my imagination (silly but it's painfully annoying). I don't have that "connection" to myself or with people that I used to, especially if I doubt their reality. Also, I'm an introvert, shy, and pessimistic and don't have good stress coping strategies which contribute to my condition.
I'm not interested in anything I was before (ie sports, music, girls, etc.) I just want to reset my brain, like brainwash it to where it was when I was fine. I don't even know what feeling fine is anymore. I'm constantly anxious about something and don't know how to interpret my thoughts (ie whether a feeling is from the family stress or the OCD stress, etc.) I try to match my feelings to before when I was fine but it's so hard. Nothing has really changed in reality except in my mind.
I'm eating healthy and taking in vitamin B, min tran, Protein, along with exercise to help out but sometimes I feel like it'll never end. I ask, "What's the purpose of life, why am I on Earth, why was I born on when I was and not another date, why was I born on Earth, etc. Questioning every single thing imaginable. My psychiatrist says it takes about 3 months for it to go away but it seems like an eternity.
Sometimes I feel like there is hope, hopeless, but then days where my Anxiety/OCD/Depression hits hard, I feel like giving up but suicide is NOT an option, but I just know I can't live like this forever. Sometimes I don't know what I'm thinking, whether I'm believing these thoughts or not, etc. I'm scared if I get better, it'll just come back into another form or this will have a traumatic effect on me.
I'm trying to get back into Christianity to help cope, my family is Christian but my mind says "in your imagination you created Christianity so it tries to negate that belief." My family and friends are the most important thing in the world to me, I just want to be brainwashed back into thinking that the world is real, people are real, life is real. But this past month has been a living hell. I want to believe these thoughts are false but the doubts just bring them back, plus I don't "feel" right. All of you sufferers will know what I'm talking about when feeling "right".
This might sound foolish but I'd rather have cancer than OCD/Depression at this severity. I just want to get back to normal, I'm doing whatever it takes and hope it'll go away with time like the HOCD which was pretty bad but nothing debilitating. It's a month I'd like to forget. I want to chase my dreams and ambition but this stupid illness is preventing me from it and since the mind is more abstract, it's scarier especially when dealing with "false reality" for me. I just wish there was a machine to reset your brain (ie like Reformatting your computer).
Sorry for the long post but need some support and guidance during this time. It just seems like one long nightmare. I'm just assuming that people are real and that there are people who can help me in this world.
In before TL;DR but please read and support
Thanks,
To get straight to the point, I'm 21, I have been diagnosed with Pathological/ Existential/Philosophical/Solipsism OCD. I used to have HOCD, Schizo-OCD, fear of becoming blind, fear of liking my mom (ie sexually) and Pedo-OCD, etc but my current bout is on a whole another level (like 100x more intense, panic attack level). I don't have any physical compulsions, but I do try to fight it through logic in my mind. It's been around a month since I was trying to fall asleep and thought, what if this world was my imagination and everything was a part of my perception. This sent me into anxiety. The next day, while I was taking a shower, I thought of the movie Inception, good movie btw, (Fight Club, Beautiful Mind, Truman Show probably didn't help either) and wondered what if I was in a dream and had a panic attack where I thought my head was going to explode. I wondered if I had to commit suicide to get back to the real world.
These thoughts led to schizo-Ocd or (maybe the Schizo-OCD led to the reality doubts) and doubting my memory (whether certain events actually happened and even though I know I was fine before, my brain finds loopholes to surpass my logic, like you created your memory rather than it is your actual memory even though I know it's my actual memory (ie doubt). There's always loopholes which is OCD I guess.
I had constant anxiety/panic attacks and my memory/concentration is lacking. I question everything (ie Why do I see what I see, why do we stop at a green light?, stupid questions, etc.) My main fear is the false sense of reality (ie Solipsism, living in a dream, and even though I know solipsism is just a thought experiment and people are, in fact, real my mind says you've been teleported into a dream/another reality where everything is the same except it's your perception, ie loopholes). I feel like I opened up a Pandora's Box of thoughts, a 2nd tier of uncontrollable thoughts. I should've just stayed in the 1st tier. My mind is so cluttered with thoughts and hectic. I'm a mess mentally.
My psychiatrist put me on Prozac (fluoxetine) and upgraded my dosage to 40mg and 2x 1mg Clonazapem (klonopin) and I have my ups and downs. However, my downs are really down and low (bad depression where I breakdown and cry, which makes me feel better for some reason) since being upgraded to 40mg on Friday due to school starting soon. I started at 10mg for a week then 20mg for 2 weeks which didn't seem to do much, but you can't tell in that short of a span with these SSRI's and my highs aren't that high. Sometimes I don't have any emotion which also *****. The derealization/depersonalization makes it worse. I have a therapist but she doesn't specialize in OCD but I guess it's better than nothing. I'll be transferred to an OCD specialist mid September.
I care about people and my friends and family so this is why this OCD is latching onto me so hard but I'm in so much pain. My family is in a financial struggle and my mom and dad always fight (hurt me terribly to see my family so disjointed and I'm an only child) which probably added to the stress which led to the attack (maybe subconsciously trying to escape from this reality?). Sometimes I feel if I just black out, the world will end, reality will end.
However, my mom and dad both love me and are doing their best to help me out and not fight and care for me during this time which I appreciate. But I keep doubting whether my parents are real or a part of my imagination (silly but it's painfully annoying). I don't have that "connection" to myself or with people that I used to, especially if I doubt their reality. Also, I'm an introvert, shy, and pessimistic and don't have good stress coping strategies which contribute to my condition.
I'm not interested in anything I was before (ie sports, music, girls, etc.) I just want to reset my brain, like brainwash it to where it was when I was fine. I don't even know what feeling fine is anymore. I'm constantly anxious about something and don't know how to interpret my thoughts (ie whether a feeling is from the family stress or the OCD stress, etc.) I try to match my feelings to before when I was fine but it's so hard. Nothing has really changed in reality except in my mind.
I'm eating healthy and taking in vitamin B, min tran, Protein, along with exercise to help out but sometimes I feel like it'll never end. I ask, "What's the purpose of life, why am I on Earth, why was I born on when I was and not another date, why was I born on Earth, etc. Questioning every single thing imaginable. My psychiatrist says it takes about 3 months for it to go away but it seems like an eternity.
Sometimes I feel like there is hope, hopeless, but then days where my Anxiety/OCD/Depression hits hard, I feel like giving up but suicide is NOT an option, but I just know I can't live like this forever. Sometimes I don't know what I'm thinking, whether I'm believing these thoughts or not, etc. I'm scared if I get better, it'll just come back into another form or this will have a traumatic effect on me.
I'm trying to get back into Christianity to help cope, my family is Christian but my mind says "in your imagination you created Christianity so it tries to negate that belief." My family and friends are the most important thing in the world to me, I just want to be brainwashed back into thinking that the world is real, people are real, life is real. But this past month has been a living hell. I want to believe these thoughts are false but the doubts just bring them back, plus I don't "feel" right. All of you sufferers will know what I'm talking about when feeling "right".
This might sound foolish but I'd rather have cancer than OCD/Depression at this severity. I just want to get back to normal, I'm doing whatever it takes and hope it'll go away with time like the HOCD which was pretty bad but nothing debilitating. It's a month I'd like to forget. I want to chase my dreams and ambition but this stupid illness is preventing me from it and since the mind is more abstract, it's scarier especially when dealing with "false reality" for me. I just wish there was a machine to reset your brain (ie like Reformatting your computer).
Sorry for the long post but need some support and guidance during this time. It just seems like one long nightmare. I'm just assuming that people are real and that there are people who can help me in this world.
In before TL;DR but please read and support
Thanks,
Hi Sam,
I'm glad I found your thread on Google having typed in 'Still entertaining the thought of solipsism' which I'm currently suffering at the moment. I'm a 28 year old male and I believe I have OCD, although from reading your comments I don't think mine is as severe as yours is (or was, depending if you've recovered yet). Basically I have very similar thoughts of life and whether or not I'm creating the world I live in in my mind. It's something man has been thinking about for hundreds of years. The philosopher Rene Descartes wrote an entire book of existentialism and started the idea of 'solipsism', whereby you only believe that your own mind exists. You've probably heard the quote 'cogito ergo sum' which means, 'I think, therefore I am', which is the basic platform logical theory for any thinking creature that cannot be doubted. Solipsim however, is a flawed subject because they believe that we could be living in a dream as there's no way of 'differentiating dreams from reality', which is complete nonsense. I know this as a fact, because when I'm dreaming and having a nightmare, like falling off a building and about to hit the ground, or about to get attacked by an evil monster or something, I force myself to wakeup. This must mean that my subconscious knows that I am in a dream and reality is where I am safe. I don't blame movies like The Matrix, Inception etc, but I do blame philosophers (many of whom I studied in A-levels), for their anxiety driven subjects with no logical substance, and come from complete paranoia and if anything, they are counter-productive.
You are obviously an intelligent person with an analytical brain like me, hence why you question and doubt everything you live in. It's normal for people like us to do this. I've been suffering form mild depression for around 6-7 years, and more recently OCD. My doctor prescribed me some Fluoxetine, however I did lots of reading up on the side effects and to be honest I'm a bit scared that it might change me permanently, so I've decided to 'slug it out' and see if I can self-medicate, seeing as it's a mental problem not physical. I should also add that I've been smoking weed for over many years which probably didn't do much help for my mental state. Although it did give me amazing ideas for music, as I enjoy producing music. When I was a teen I used to have laughing fits when I smoked it, now I just feel depressed and it sends my thought processes into overdrive where I just can't think straight. So I've given it up, for now at least.
With regards to OCD I also have these weird things where for example, I'm walking on the pavement and I'm so conscious of where my feet go, especially in relation to the wheels of cars, like they're following a pattern. Other thoughts include negative feelings about my race and about other people, including my family, which probably gets me down the most. I also have a friend who tends to get on my nerves a lot of the time, and I have mostly negative thoughts about him that pop up a lot. I've tried to decipher whether it's me overracting or whether I genuinely do not like him, and I've decided it's a combination of the two, but mainly the latter as other people seem get to annoyed by him as well. Plus I feel like I have a good judge of character.
With regards to solipsim, when people say, 'trust me I'm real as can be' to try and comfort you, this actually makes me more dubious because I'm thinking well, if you're real, why would you feel the need to declare this? I know they're just trying to help but those kind of statements don't help me at all. The main problem I find with solipsism is it's anti-logic, whereby if you believe it's real, having a discussion about it with someone else is completely futile, i.e. it doesn't matter because according to solipsism, everyone else are 'figments of your imagination'. And I'm guessing a lot of solipsists, especially the older ones tend to live alone in their own sad world. That's depressing to me :(. To lighten things up, watch this hilarious video of these guy's dismissing a solipsist that calls their show, who's obviously a bit nuts - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCc-5Z_3SKI
Anyway I've probably written enough now, but I hope I've helped you in some way and writing this has actually helped me a great deal as well. Expressing your thoughts that are bothering you definitely helps. Unfortunately it's difficult for people like us to think voluntarily, as we constantly have intrusional thoughts, but one thing that helps me is thinking back to when I was a kid, which wasn't that long ago really, and remembering when I was 'carefree'. Keeping things simple definitely helps in the complicated and stressful lives we live in nowadays.
I'm glad I found your thread on Google having typed in 'Still entertaining the thought of solipsism' which I'm currently suffering at the moment. I'm a 28 year old male and I believe I have OCD, although from reading your comments I don't think mine is as severe as yours is (or was, depending if you've recovered yet). Basically I have very similar thoughts of life and whether or not I'm creating the world I live in in my mind. It's something man has been thinking about for hundreds of years. The philosopher Rene Descartes wrote an entire book of existentialism and started the idea of 'solipsism', whereby you only believe that your own mind exists. You've probably heard the quote 'cogito ergo sum' which means, 'I think, therefore I am', which is the basic platform logical theory for any thinking creature that cannot be doubted. Solipsim however, is a flawed subject because they believe that we could be living in a dream as there's no way of 'differentiating dreams from reality', which is complete nonsense. I know this as a fact, because when I'm dreaming and having a nightmare, like falling off a building and about to hit the ground, or about to get attacked by an evil monster or something, I force myself to wakeup. This must mean that my subconscious knows that I am in a dream and reality is where I am safe. I don't blame movies like The Matrix, Inception etc, but I do blame philosophers (many of whom I studied in A-levels), for their anxiety driven subjects with no logical substance, and come from complete paranoia and if anything, they are counter-productive.
You are obviously an intelligent person with an analytical brain like me, hence why you question and doubt everything you live in. It's normal for people like us to do this. I've been suffering form mild depression for around 6-7 years, and more recently OCD. My doctor prescribed me some Fluoxetine, however I did lots of reading up on the side effects and to be honest I'm a bit scared that it might change me permanently, so I've decided to 'slug it out' and see if I can self-medicate, seeing as it's a mental problem not physical. I should also add that I've been smoking weed for over many years which probably didn't do much help for my mental state. Although it did give me amazing ideas for music, as I enjoy producing music. When I was a teen I used to have laughing fits when I smoked it, now I just feel depressed and it sends my thought processes into overdrive where I just can't think straight. So I've given it up, for now at least.
With regards to OCD I also have these weird things where for example, I'm walking on the pavement and I'm so conscious of where my feet go, especially in relation to the wheels of cars, like they're following a pattern. Other thoughts include negative feelings about my race and about other people, including my family, which probably gets me down the most. I also have a friend who tends to get on my nerves a lot of the time, and I have mostly negative thoughts about him that pop up a lot. I've tried to decipher whether it's me overracting or whether I genuinely do not like him, and I've decided it's a combination of the two, but mainly the latter as other people seem get to annoyed by him as well. Plus I feel like I have a good judge of character.
With regards to solipsim, when people say, 'trust me I'm real as can be' to try and comfort you, this actually makes me more dubious because I'm thinking well, if you're real, why would you feel the need to declare this? I know they're just trying to help but those kind of statements don't help me at all. The main problem I find with solipsism is it's anti-logic, whereby if you believe it's real, having a discussion about it with someone else is completely futile, i.e. it doesn't matter because according to solipsism, everyone else are 'figments of your imagination'. And I'm guessing a lot of solipsists, especially the older ones tend to live alone in their own sad world. That's depressing to me :(. To lighten things up, watch this hilarious video of these guy's dismissing a solipsist that calls their show, who's obviously a bit nuts - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCc-5Z_3SKI
Anyway I've probably written enough now, but I hope I've helped you in some way and writing this has actually helped me a great deal as well. Expressing your thoughts that are bothering you definitely helps. Unfortunately it's difficult for people like us to think voluntarily, as we constantly have intrusional thoughts, but one thing that helps me is thinking back to when I was a kid, which wasn't that long ago really, and remembering when I was 'carefree'. Keeping things simple definitely helps in the complicated and stressful lives we live in nowadays.
Hey, it's truly awesome to hear that you're doing so much better. It really sounds like you have a good handle on your recovery. And it sounds like you have an awareness of what triggers your OCD, and how to handle it. If you ever have a relapse into having panic attacks down the road, just try to remember that its something that may come and go and may be disguised as logic, but is really OCD and your brain giving itself problems for its own sake. It's never clarity - it's the opposite of clarity, but the brain is pretty good at making it feel like clarity to scare you. But again, it sounds like you're really in a good place!
It was really cool for me to find a description of someone's fears so similar to my own because it's difficult to describe it to my friends, because they have never been in the thick of it. If you ever want to compare notes some more on these thoughts, feel free to message me on this site - and if I don't respond (i can't seem to get my email notifications working on this thing) my email address is pretty easy to find online, because the site won't let me post it on here.
My best,
WIll Bryan
It was really cool for me to find a description of someone's fears so similar to my own because it's difficult to describe it to my friends, because they have never been in the thick of it. If you ever want to compare notes some more on these thoughts, feel free to message me on this site - and if I don't respond (i can't seem to get my email notifications working on this thing) my email address is pretty easy to find online, because the site won't let me post it on here.
My best,
WIll Bryan
2 Comments
I appreciate what you write too. I've been dealing with the existential thoughts an ocd fears big time for about a year. Torture. But things have gotten slightly better with medication and spending time with friends, outdoor activities, etc. I try to put up the stop sign when the thoughts really ramp up. Also physical activity helps a lot
Also the movies that did a number on me were Vanilla Sky, the Matrix, devils Advocate and some movie about a dead guy who is with a friend. Can't remember the name but it messed me up bad.
Also I feel becoming more social, having support of friends and family is a huge plus. Also having a goal to pursue and/or finding a hobby(ies) can greatly reduce the anxiety. During the hardest of times, I purposely forced myself interact with more people and just observe the world. Especially with the idea of solipsism, inception, etc., I feel that interacting with the world helps weaken those thoughts and makes you realize that the thoughts are ridiculous.
However, I'm still, as I stated in my previous post, reluctant and "scared" of watching/reading other mind f*ck movies, shows, books, etc. because I'm scared of it setting off another panic attack/increase in anxiety. I've never really liked horror flicks but didn't mind watching movies like the matrix/a beautiful mind, fight club. Even when I watched Inception, I thought it was a great movie and it is. I want to get to the point where I can watch/read whatever I want without worrying about whether it would f*ck me up or not. I even get an increase in anxiety when psychology/the brain/mental illness, or anything of that sort is mentioned. That's the main barrier I need to break, I feel, to get back to "myself".
However, I'm still, as I stated in my previous post, reluctant and "scared" of watching/reading other mind f*ck movies, shows, books, etc. because I'm scared of it setting off another panic attack/increase in anxiety. I've never really liked horror flicks but didn't mind watching movies like the matrix/a beautiful mind, fight club. Even when I watched Inception, I thought it was a great movie and it is. I want to get to the point where I can watch/read whatever I want without worrying about whether it would f*ck me up or not. I even get an increase in anxiety when psychology/the brain/mental illness, or anything of that sort is mentioned. That's the main barrier I need to break, I feel, to get back to "myself".
Thanks for the in-depth post and testimonial. I've been a lot better, way better in-fact, than when I last wrote on here. I've been doing a lot of the things you suggested (ie eating healthy, not fighting my thoughts, and i've never smoked marijuana before and don't intend to) I've pretty much gotten the hang of my OCD although the thoughts still linger and I'm still hesitant and wary of them. I'm still scared of going through what I've been through, traumatized in a sense. For example, I skimmed very quickly through your 1st post because I was, for a lack of a better word, scared of what thoughts might have harassed and invaded my mind from your struggles. Although the second post I read with ease and appreciation.
Honestly, I feel much better and am 90-95% "myself" (thanks for asking). I have come a long way since my last post and I live my life the way I want to. In fact, I feel I I've become a better person, more active in life and I take less things for granted in way. Anyways thanks for the reply WillBryan and I hope your post helps others going through the same struggle as you and I did.
Honestly, I feel much better and am 90-95% "myself" (thanks for asking). I have come a long way since my last post and I live my life the way I want to. In fact, I feel I I've become a better person, more active in life and I take less things for granted in way. Anyways thanks for the reply WillBryan and I hope your post helps others going through the same struggle as you and I did.
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I think the toughest part is that we know these thoughts are irrational, I mean we are smart people, but knowing that isn't always the answer obviously. We constantly test ourselves, and when we finally resolve something it is replaced by yet another test. The key is to not fight it because the more we do the worse it gets.
I also understand your need for this to go away and to be normal again. The bonus is that you know you WILL be normal again, it just is going to take some time. You know this, because you have lived through it before so that in itself should be comforting. Remind yourself of that when you are in that OCD cycle.
You are way ahead of the game here. You may not believe it but you really are. You know the thoughts are irrational, you are seeing a psychiatrist and you are taking medication for it. The increased dosage in Prozac will take some time to take effect as you probably know. You need a really good 4-6 weeks of being at the optimal dose to get the real benefits. Take the klonopin as instructed. It will actually build up to a steady state in your system and be more helpful. I take it myself.
The other thing I would suggest is seeking out a Psychologist to go hand-in-hand with the Psychiatrist. There are psychologists that specialize in cognitive behavioral therapy and I think that goes a long way with the medication. Most Psychiatrists do not teach CBT but you can discuss this with yours and if they don't perhaps they can give you the name of someone that does. Usually at that point the psychiatrist just takes over the medication and the psychologist takes over the actual therapy part.
Here is a book that I also found very helpful during my last major OCD crisis which was in May. It is called Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani and it has a green cover. I read that thing to death and it really helped me.
Also, I am glad to see that you know that suicide is not the answer. Yes, if we were not here we would not be suffering but compared to having cancer or something like that, we are better off. I know you don't think that now but we truly are. Your derealization/depersonalization will go away, I promise you! And you will be able to do all those things on your to-do list.
If you want to know more about me, then you can read "About me" under my name. It does not list everything I have been through becasue that would take an entire book, but you will get the gist about me and that I understand you and what you are going through.
Feel free to post again here if you need to talk or you can PM me and I will respond. Keep me posted as to how you are doing! You WILL get over this.