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HELP! Existential/Philosophical/Solipsism OCD
Hello, (Warning if sensitive to Philosophical stuff)
To get straight to the point, I'm 21, I have been diagnosed with Pathological/ Existential/Philosophical/Solipsism OCD. I used to have HOCD, Schizo-OCD, fear of becoming blind, fear of liking my mom (ie sexually) and Pedo-OCD, etc but my current bout is on a whole another level (like 100x more intense, panic attack level). I don't have any physical compulsions, but I do try to fight it through logic in my mind. It's been around a month since I was trying to fall asleep and thought, what if this world was my imagination and everything was a part of my perception. This sent me into anxiety. The next day, while I was taking a shower, I thought of the movie Inception, good movie btw, (Fight Club, Beautiful Mind, Truman Show probably didn't help either) and wondered what if I was in a dream and had a panic attack where I thought my head was going to explode. I wondered if I had to commit suicide to get back to the real world.
These thoughts led to schizo-Ocd or (maybe the Schizo-OCD led to the reality doubts) and doubting my memory (whether certain events actually happened and even though I know I was fine before, my brain finds loopholes to surpass my logic, like you created your memory rather than it is your actual memory even though I know it's my actual memory (ie doubt). There's always loopholes which is OCD I guess.
I had constant anxiety/panic attacks and my memory/concentration is lacking. I question everything (ie Why do I see what I see, why do we stop at a green light?, stupid questions, etc.) My main fear is the false sense of reality (ie Solipsism, living in a dream, and even though I know solipsism is just a thought experiment and people are, in fact, real my mind says you've been teleported into a dream/another reality where everything is the same except it's your perception, ie loopholes). I feel like I opened up a Pandora's Box of thoughts, a 2nd tier of uncontrollable thoughts. I should've just stayed in the 1st tier. My mind is so cluttered with thoughts and hectic. I'm a mess mentally.
My psychiatrist put me on Prozac (fluoxetine) and upgraded my dosage to 40mg and 2x 1mg Clonazapem (klonopin) and I have my ups and downs. However, my downs are really down and low (bad depression where I breakdown and cry, which makes me feel better for some reason) since being upgraded to 40mg on Friday due to school starting soon. I started at 10mg for a week then 20mg for 2 weeks which didn't seem to do much, but you can't tell in that short of a span with these SSRI's and my highs aren't that high. Sometimes I don't have any emotion which also *****. The derealization/depersonalization makes it worse. I have a therapist but she doesn't specialize in OCD but I guess it's better than nothing. I'll be transferred to an OCD specialist mid September.
I care about people and my friends and family so this is why this OCD is latching onto me so hard but I'm in so much pain. My family is in a financial struggle and my mom and dad always fight (hurt me terribly to see my family so disjointed and I'm an only child) which probably added to the stress which led to the attack (maybe subconsciously trying to escape from this reality?). Sometimes I feel if I just black out, the world will end, reality will end.
However, my mom and dad both love me and are doing their best to help me out and not fight and care for me during this time which I appreciate. But I keep doubting whether my parents are real or a part of my imagination (silly but it's painfully annoying). I don't have that "connection" to myself or with people that I used to, especially if I doubt their reality. Also, I'm an introvert, shy, and pessimistic and don't have good stress coping strategies which contribute to my condition.
I'm not interested in anything I was before (ie sports, music, girls, etc.) I just want to reset my brain, like brainwash it to where it was when I was fine. I don't even know what feeling fine is anymore. I'm constantly anxious about something and don't know how to interpret my thoughts (ie whether a feeling is from the family stress or the OCD stress, etc.) I try to match my feelings to before when I was fine but it's so hard. Nothing has really changed in reality except in my mind.
I'm eating healthy and taking in vitamin B, min tran, Protein, along with exercise to help out but sometimes I feel like it'll never end. I ask, "What's the purpose of life, why am I on Earth, why was I born on when I was and not another date, why was I born on Earth, etc. Questioning every single thing imaginable. My psychiatrist says it takes about 3 months for it to go away but it seems like an eternity.
Sometimes I feel like there is hope, hopeless, but then days where my Anxiety/OCD/Depression hits hard, I feel like giving up but suicide is NOT an option, but I just know I can't live like this forever. Sometimes I don't know what I'm thinking, whether I'm believing these thoughts or not, etc. I'm scared if I get better, it'll just come back into another form or this will have a traumatic effect on me.
I'm trying to get back into Christianity to help cope, my family is Christian but my mind says "in your imagination you created Christianity so it tries to negate that belief." My family and friends are the most important thing in the world to me, I just want to be brainwashed back into thinking that the world is real, people are real, life is real. But this past month has been a living hell. I want to believe these thoughts are false but the doubts just bring them back, plus I don't "feel" right. All of you sufferers will know what I'm talking about when feeling "right".
This might sound foolish but I'd rather have cancer than OCD/Depression at this severity. I just want to get back to normal, I'm doing whatever it takes and hope it'll go away with time like the HOCD which was pretty bad but nothing debilitating. It's a month I'd like to forget. I want to chase my dreams and ambition but this stupid illness is preventing me from it and since the mind is more abstract, it's scarier especially when dealing with "false reality" for me. I just wish there was a machine to reset your brain (ie like Reformatting your computer).
Sorry for the long post but need some support and guidance during this time. It just seems like one long nightmare. I'm just assuming that people are real and that there are people who can help me in this world.
In before TL;DR but please read and support
Thanks,
To get straight to the point, I'm 21, I have been diagnosed with Pathological/ Existential/Philosophical/Solipsism OCD. I used to have HOCD, Schizo-OCD, fear of becoming blind, fear of liking my mom (ie sexually) and Pedo-OCD, etc but my current bout is on a whole another level (like 100x more intense, panic attack level). I don't have any physical compulsions, but I do try to fight it through logic in my mind. It's been around a month since I was trying to fall asleep and thought, what if this world was my imagination and everything was a part of my perception. This sent me into anxiety. The next day, while I was taking a shower, I thought of the movie Inception, good movie btw, (Fight Club, Beautiful Mind, Truman Show probably didn't help either) and wondered what if I was in a dream and had a panic attack where I thought my head was going to explode. I wondered if I had to commit suicide to get back to the real world.
These thoughts led to schizo-Ocd or (maybe the Schizo-OCD led to the reality doubts) and doubting my memory (whether certain events actually happened and even though I know I was fine before, my brain finds loopholes to surpass my logic, like you created your memory rather than it is your actual memory even though I know it's my actual memory (ie doubt). There's always loopholes which is OCD I guess.
I had constant anxiety/panic attacks and my memory/concentration is lacking. I question everything (ie Why do I see what I see, why do we stop at a green light?, stupid questions, etc.) My main fear is the false sense of reality (ie Solipsism, living in a dream, and even though I know solipsism is just a thought experiment and people are, in fact, real my mind says you've been teleported into a dream/another reality where everything is the same except it's your perception, ie loopholes). I feel like I opened up a Pandora's Box of thoughts, a 2nd tier of uncontrollable thoughts. I should've just stayed in the 1st tier. My mind is so cluttered with thoughts and hectic. I'm a mess mentally.
My psychiatrist put me on Prozac (fluoxetine) and upgraded my dosage to 40mg and 2x 1mg Clonazapem (klonopin) and I have my ups and downs. However, my downs are really down and low (bad depression where I breakdown and cry, which makes me feel better for some reason) since being upgraded to 40mg on Friday due to school starting soon. I started at 10mg for a week then 20mg for 2 weeks which didn't seem to do much, but you can't tell in that short of a span with these SSRI's and my highs aren't that high. Sometimes I don't have any emotion which also *****. The derealization/depersonalization makes it worse. I have a therapist but she doesn't specialize in OCD but I guess it's better than nothing. I'll be transferred to an OCD specialist mid September.
I care about people and my friends and family so this is why this OCD is latching onto me so hard but I'm in so much pain. My family is in a financial struggle and my mom and dad always fight (hurt me terribly to see my family so disjointed and I'm an only child) which probably added to the stress which led to the attack (maybe subconsciously trying to escape from this reality?). Sometimes I feel if I just black out, the world will end, reality will end.
However, my mom and dad both love me and are doing their best to help me out and not fight and care for me during this time which I appreciate. But I keep doubting whether my parents are real or a part of my imagination (silly but it's painfully annoying). I don't have that "connection" to myself or with people that I used to, especially if I doubt their reality. Also, I'm an introvert, shy, and pessimistic and don't have good stress coping strategies which contribute to my condition.
I'm not interested in anything I was before (ie sports, music, girls, etc.) I just want to reset my brain, like brainwash it to where it was when I was fine. I don't even know what feeling fine is anymore. I'm constantly anxious about something and don't know how to interpret my thoughts (ie whether a feeling is from the family stress or the OCD stress, etc.) I try to match my feelings to before when I was fine but it's so hard. Nothing has really changed in reality except in my mind.
I'm eating healthy and taking in vitamin B, min tran, Protein, along with exercise to help out but sometimes I feel like it'll never end. I ask, "What's the purpose of life, why am I on Earth, why was I born on when I was and not another date, why was I born on Earth, etc. Questioning every single thing imaginable. My psychiatrist says it takes about 3 months for it to go away but it seems like an eternity.
Sometimes I feel like there is hope, hopeless, but then days where my Anxiety/OCD/Depression hits hard, I feel like giving up but suicide is NOT an option, but I just know I can't live like this forever. Sometimes I don't know what I'm thinking, whether I'm believing these thoughts or not, etc. I'm scared if I get better, it'll just come back into another form or this will have a traumatic effect on me.
I'm trying to get back into Christianity to help cope, my family is Christian but my mind says "in your imagination you created Christianity so it tries to negate that belief." My family and friends are the most important thing in the world to me, I just want to be brainwashed back into thinking that the world is real, people are real, life is real. But this past month has been a living hell. I want to believe these thoughts are false but the doubts just bring them back, plus I don't "feel" right. All of you sufferers will know what I'm talking about when feeling "right".
This might sound foolish but I'd rather have cancer than OCD/Depression at this severity. I just want to get back to normal, I'm doing whatever it takes and hope it'll go away with time like the HOCD which was pretty bad but nothing debilitating. It's a month I'd like to forget. I want to chase my dreams and ambition but this stupid illness is preventing me from it and since the mind is more abstract, it's scarier especially when dealing with "false reality" for me. I just wish there was a machine to reset your brain (ie like Reformatting your computer).
Sorry for the long post but need some support and guidance during this time. It just seems like one long nightmare. I'm just assuming that people are real and that there are people who can help me in this world.
In before TL;DR but please read and support
Thanks,
Thanks for the reply JFG25. It's greatly appreciated. I do have a psychologist/therapist too but I don't know if it's helping. She just listens to what I say and tries to explain why OCD is doing this to me and what OCD is.
I know it will go away. I have been getting better, but the idea of not knowing what getting better is and always waking up with the anxiety is awful. I don't know what I'm feeling and whether my feelings are "normal" which fuel the anxiety.
As for the Prozac, I don't know, I've been on it for 3.5 weeks (1st week 10mg, 2nd-3rd week 20mg, and from Friday 40mg) but that increased dosage of 40mg gave me 3 extremely depressive states where I felt like I wanted to die. Twice after taking a nap in the afternoon. But the Klonopin seems to help, it calms me down.
The funny thing is I feel better at night, and worse during the day. Although I'm still anxious at night, probably anxious about the anxiety, it's manageable. The scary part is I don't know what to believe and what I'm believing in. I just want to take things as face value and think simply but I can't. It's like I opened another dimension of thoughts which scare the heck out of me.
Well, thanks for the reply and good luck with your bout of "OMG" ;). I'm doing everything I can to get rid of this OCD and get back to normal. (ie Exercise, eating healthy, nutrition supplements, meds, psychiatrist, psychologist, etc). It just seems like it's taking forever to get rid of which is the agonizing part which fuels the anxiety I guess.
I know it will go away. I have been getting better, but the idea of not knowing what getting better is and always waking up with the anxiety is awful. I don't know what I'm feeling and whether my feelings are "normal" which fuel the anxiety.
As for the Prozac, I don't know, I've been on it for 3.5 weeks (1st week 10mg, 2nd-3rd week 20mg, and from Friday 40mg) but that increased dosage of 40mg gave me 3 extremely depressive states where I felt like I wanted to die. Twice after taking a nap in the afternoon. But the Klonopin seems to help, it calms me down.
The funny thing is I feel better at night, and worse during the day. Although I'm still anxious at night, probably anxious about the anxiety, it's manageable. The scary part is I don't know what to believe and what I'm believing in. I just want to take things as face value and think simply but I can't. It's like I opened another dimension of thoughts which scare the heck out of me.
Well, thanks for the reply and good luck with your bout of "OMG" ;). I'm doing everything I can to get rid of this OCD and get back to normal. (ie Exercise, eating healthy, nutrition supplements, meds, psychiatrist, psychologist, etc). It just seems like it's taking forever to get rid of which is the agonizing part which fuels the anxiety I guess.
Next time you visit your psychologist, ask if she teaches CBT...if not, then it might be worth looking into someone else that does. Anyway, you know what reality is and what it is not so just keep self-communicating and replace all those bad thoughts with good ones. "I know this is only my OCD." "I know this is an irrational thought and I don't give into irrational thinking." Be your own motivator. Yell at yourself if you have to.
Good luck!
Good luck!
Well I did ask her about CBT and she said she was using it but I don't know. She gave me a couple packets on OCD. She said she'll be transferring me to an OCD specialist mid September. Maybe use ERP which is a form of CBT she said. I'm just upset that I'm constantly preoccupied with these thoughts and that it just hit me.
Oh and I just ordered the Self-help book, seems like a good book with 4.5 stars on Amazon with 85 reviews. Hopefully that will help.
Good luck to you too and we'll be back to "normal" sooner rather than later :)
Oh and I just ordered the Self-help book, seems like a good book with 4.5 stars on Amazon with 85 reviews. Hopefully that will help.
Good luck to you too and we'll be back to "normal" sooner rather than later :)
Great! Let me know what you think of the book. It has CBT techniques in there as well and does a good job at explaining why we are the way we are. Have a wonderful day.
Well I just had a major breakdown. I cried for about an hour straight with feelings of guilt and and sadness. I was asking why this was happening to me. I don't even know what feelings I'm having right now. I'm just so numb and feel so hopeless. I just want to get back to normal but don't even remember what that feels like. OCD is just a pain in the @ss. Sorry just venting.
No problem with venting. Did you take the klonopin when the breakdown started?
Remember, you just started 40 mg of Prozac pretty much so it needs some time.
Over on the Anxiety forum there is a guy, CanuckGuy42, and he has an ongoing post where he chronicles his anxiety. It took a lot of convincing from a lot of us to keep him going and to not throw in the towel as far as the medication goes...maybe reading it will give you more hope. I KNOW you will get better but sometimes it is good to read what others have overcome.
I think you can just cut and past this into your browser and see what he has overcome.
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Anxiety/Back-on-Cipralex-Lexapro/show/1557045
I hope this helps and feel free to vent anytime.
Remember, you just started 40 mg of Prozac pretty much so it needs some time.
Over on the Anxiety forum there is a guy, CanuckGuy42, and he has an ongoing post where he chronicles his anxiety. It took a lot of convincing from a lot of us to keep him going and to not throw in the towel as far as the medication goes...maybe reading it will give you more hope. I KNOW you will get better but sometimes it is good to read what others have overcome.
I think you can just cut and past this into your browser and see what he has overcome.
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Anxiety/Back-on-Cipralex-Lexapro/show/1557045
I hope this helps and feel free to vent anytime.
Yea I took 1mg Klonopin and took it around 11am along with 20mg prozac (told my doc I felt more comfortable on 20mg cuzz I had 3 major depressive breakdowns, where I've never felt such sadness, in 5 days on 40mg)
It's just the thought that the world is fake (living in a dream, another dimension), people are fake (ie family and friends), what is the purpose of life, why am I here, etc (ruminations) along with the mind racing and not knowing what to think is driving me crazy. I don't know what I'm believing and what I'm thinking. It's just so hard at the moment and I mean HARD. I wish I could just go back in time or brainwash myself to think a certain way. I'm trying so hard (ie exercise, eating healthy, supplements, meds, therapy) but it seems so hopeless and depressing.
It's just the thought that the world is fake (living in a dream, another dimension), people are fake (ie family and friends), what is the purpose of life, why am I here, etc (ruminations) along with the mind racing and not knowing what to think is driving me crazy. I don't know what I'm believing and what I'm thinking. It's just so hard at the moment and I mean HARD. I wish I could just go back in time or brainwash myself to think a certain way. I'm trying so hard (ie exercise, eating healthy, supplements, meds, therapy) but it seems so hopeless and depressing.
Did the Klonopin help? It is long acting but by this point it has probably worn off. What did the doctor say to you as far as dosing goes?
Something has triggered these symptoms and that is where the psychologist comes in. You said you will be seeing somebody in September...is it soon? If not, then I would try to get the appointment moved up.
If there were no clear directions about the klonopin such as it says "take as needed" then call the doctor and get more clarification. It is usually dosed twice a day. So if the label is not clear, give the doc a call tomorrow. I think if you get the okay by the doc to dose 2 times a day it will help you right now but remember I'm not a physician so don't go by what I am saying to you; you need to talk to the REAL doc.
As always, post again if you need to vent...I'll always listen.
Something has triggered these symptoms and that is where the psychologist comes in. You said you will be seeing somebody in September...is it soon? If not, then I would try to get the appointment moved up.
If there were no clear directions about the klonopin such as it says "take as needed" then call the doctor and get more clarification. It is usually dosed twice a day. So if the label is not clear, give the doc a call tomorrow. I think if you get the okay by the doc to dose 2 times a day it will help you right now but remember I'm not a physician so don't go by what I am saying to you; you need to talk to the REAL doc.
As always, post again if you need to vent...I'll always listen.
I don't know if the Klonopin helped or not. I feel my mind racing and I feel like I'm losing control. I'm thinking way too much.
I'm seeing a psychologist right now but I'll be transferred to a longer term one mid september. I see her on Tuesday.
It is dosed as 1mg x2 a day which I have been taking morning (along with 20mg Prozac) and night.
I don't know what I'm thinking at the moment or if I'm alright and just freaking out or if it is withdrawal symptoms from going to 40mg for 5 days back to 20 mg but I feel like I'm going crazy over analyzing everything.
I'm seeing a psychologist right now but I'll be transferred to a longer term one mid september. I see her on Tuesday.
It is dosed as 1mg x2 a day which I have been taking morning (along with 20mg Prozac) and night.
I don't know what I'm thinking at the moment or if I'm alright and just freaking out or if it is withdrawal symptoms from going to 40mg for 5 days back to 20 mg but I feel like I'm going crazy over analyzing everything.
Well I talked through the phone with a counselor from my uni and she told me some relaxation techniques (ie breathing and exercise which I already do). I then went on a long walk with my mom (1hr 30m) and I feel better. I still don't feel "comfortable" but I feel WAY better than I did a few hours/posts ago. I just hate this up and down rollercoaster.
Hi Sam,
Are you on any anti-psychotics? I ask because I have severe OCD with a lot of the same obsessions you describe in your post and an anti-psychotic has really helped me out a lot. I'm not saying it will help you out, as everyone reacts differently to different drugs, but it might be worth your time to check it out with your doctor if you find the prozac and/or other SSRIs are not helping much.
Are you on any anti-psychotics? I ask because I have severe OCD with a lot of the same obsessions you describe in your post and an anti-psychotic has really helped me out a lot. I'm not saying it will help you out, as everyone reacts differently to different drugs, but it might be worth your time to check it out with your doctor if you find the prozac and/or other SSRIs are not helping much.
Hi ocdchick,
Thanks for replying and the suggestion, and I'm glad that you are doing better on those meds. No I'm not on any anti-psychotics, I'm just on Prozac (20mg) and Klonopin (1mg x2). My psychiatrist might switch me up with some other drugs (ie Ananafril and such).
I went to San Diego with a couple friends yesterday to watch a movie (Senna) and to eat Phil's BBQ (the bomb :)) It helped alot. I feel much better and the intrusive thoughts seem much weaker.
I think if you have the same/similar thoughts as me, you should, if capable hang around with people more and watch them interact and such. Just get out of the house if you're anxiety levels aren't too high and just see the world and how silly our thoughts sound. I'm no medical expert but that's helped me. And talk to your friends about your problems, if they are "true" friends they will understand and try to help you through it and it should help and keep your mind off these stupid (albeit scary) thoughts and maybe subconsciously root out the cause as well (maybe?).
As well as taking your meds, eating healthy, take the right supplements, and exercise which helps alot. We are human after all so those being healthier will also help us mentally. Also you should use the breathing technique when feeling anxious (http://www.stop-anxiety-attack-symptoms.com/technique.html). I'm not "myself" yet but I've never felt better this past month and you will be better in time as well. It will take work but DON'T GIVE UP.
Thanks for replying and the suggestion, and I'm glad that you are doing better on those meds. No I'm not on any anti-psychotics, I'm just on Prozac (20mg) and Klonopin (1mg x2). My psychiatrist might switch me up with some other drugs (ie Ananafril and such).
I went to San Diego with a couple friends yesterday to watch a movie (Senna) and to eat Phil's BBQ (the bomb :)) It helped alot. I feel much better and the intrusive thoughts seem much weaker.
I think if you have the same/similar thoughts as me, you should, if capable hang around with people more and watch them interact and such. Just get out of the house if you're anxiety levels aren't too high and just see the world and how silly our thoughts sound. I'm no medical expert but that's helped me. And talk to your friends about your problems, if they are "true" friends they will understand and try to help you through it and it should help and keep your mind off these stupid (albeit scary) thoughts and maybe subconsciously root out the cause as well (maybe?).
As well as taking your meds, eating healthy, take the right supplements, and exercise which helps alot. We are human after all so those being healthier will also help us mentally. Also you should use the breathing technique when feeling anxious (http://www.stop-anxiety-attack-symptoms.com/technique.html). I'm not "myself" yet but I've never felt better this past month and you will be better in time as well. It will take work but DON'T GIVE UP.
I happened to randomly stumble on your post and after reaidng it I was wondering what on earth I could say. I have never gone through anything like that but your reference to Inception made me remember my reaction in the last scene.
In the last scene Leonardo diCaprio's character tries to test the reality of his world with a spin top.If the spin top continues spinning the world is a dream, If it stops, it's not. But we never saw the spin top stop. The screen just panned out to an image of Leo with his kids from the movie.
It got me thinking. Of course that situation is science fiction, we live in reality and this is the real world. But I wondered, does it really matter if it was reality or not? He was able to be happy with his family, and enjoy life, and I thought, you know in the end it's the things you love that ARE your reality. My reality is my friends, family, faith and love of writing. Your reality might be different, you just need to find it. I think for me that movie made me realise that in the end our reality is what we make it to be, reality is a term so very loosely used I feel that it hardly matters anymore.
I see life as a book- each day to be a page written. That helps me to appreciate moments that in a book set the scene, people who are the main characters, minor characters, ones who have an impact and ones who don't. With this kind of thinking I've been able to relax and be much happier by appreciating everything in my life.
I've talked about myself for a while but I'm thinking of you. I'm no doctor, no expert, and with no experience of any of your disorders other than minor perfectionism- OCD- I can't really say I am able to help. But I am a deep thinker and also a bit of a philosopher/psychiatrist in my thinking, so I'm going to take a leap and offer some advice for your mental state with no drugs or medications involved.
1.Try thinking about your "reality" as your "life" instead. Avoid using the term reality in your thinking and instead think about it as a day. A week. A year. Don't let yourself be distracted and focus your mind clearly on a straight path rather than little side lanes deviating. Become a FIRM, STRONG, DETERMINED thinker. Try practicing maths- sounds boring and horrible, but maths is lived by rules and deviations mean you make mistakes. Try to apply mathetmatical principals/rules/strict thinking in your life.
2. Appreciate the good things that exist in your life anyway, be it imagination or not. Live out your life as you would if you didn't have worries. Even if it's all a lie, why can't I be happy in it? Even if this is a third layer dream, it's a good one!!! I can be happy in it because the people I love and care about are in it.
3. Keep a diary of the things you see in the world that make you smile every single day.
For me it's a blue sky, a baby laughing, a cute puppy or an elderly couple holding hands {how sweet!}. Reflect on these things and how little moments can really make up the big picture, set the atmosphere, like in a novel. How the little things become big things. How little happy things become big happy things.
4. Find a layout that appeals to you. Is it movie format? Novel? Poem? Look at the structure of these things, the plot, characters. Compare your life. Who are the main characters in your life? The supporting characters? The ones you don't need? What are the moments that stay with you after you've finished the novel? They may not be the main events but they may touch you. REMEMBER THEM. CHERISH THEM. Has someone given you a gift? Have you found the potential for love? Think of it as a side plot in a novel. One that weaves along with the main plot and has beautiful, small moments that make you stop and think. Appreciate it. Let it become the main plot. Don't worry if moments aren''t movie perfect just go with it. Think of them as the "obstacle" typical dramas have. Think of ways to overcome it.
Write your own ending.
I hope that maybe something there helps .If not I'm a misguided would-be-do-gooder, but I genuinely hope this helps. My life is focused on my religion, the kind, caring, loving, humble, true people in it, my family, and my friends. Find your focus.
Write your own ending.
In the last scene Leonardo diCaprio's character tries to test the reality of his world with a spin top.If the spin top continues spinning the world is a dream, If it stops, it's not. But we never saw the spin top stop. The screen just panned out to an image of Leo with his kids from the movie.
It got me thinking. Of course that situation is science fiction, we live in reality and this is the real world. But I wondered, does it really matter if it was reality or not? He was able to be happy with his family, and enjoy life, and I thought, you know in the end it's the things you love that ARE your reality. My reality is my friends, family, faith and love of writing. Your reality might be different, you just need to find it. I think for me that movie made me realise that in the end our reality is what we make it to be, reality is a term so very loosely used I feel that it hardly matters anymore.
I see life as a book- each day to be a page written. That helps me to appreciate moments that in a book set the scene, people who are the main characters, minor characters, ones who have an impact and ones who don't. With this kind of thinking I've been able to relax and be much happier by appreciating everything in my life.
I've talked about myself for a while but I'm thinking of you. I'm no doctor, no expert, and with no experience of any of your disorders other than minor perfectionism- OCD- I can't really say I am able to help. But I am a deep thinker and also a bit of a philosopher/psychiatrist in my thinking, so I'm going to take a leap and offer some advice for your mental state with no drugs or medications involved.
1.Try thinking about your "reality" as your "life" instead. Avoid using the term reality in your thinking and instead think about it as a day. A week. A year. Don't let yourself be distracted and focus your mind clearly on a straight path rather than little side lanes deviating. Become a FIRM, STRONG, DETERMINED thinker. Try practicing maths- sounds boring and horrible, but maths is lived by rules and deviations mean you make mistakes. Try to apply mathetmatical principals/rules/strict thinking in your life.
2. Appreciate the good things that exist in your life anyway, be it imagination or not. Live out your life as you would if you didn't have worries. Even if it's all a lie, why can't I be happy in it? Even if this is a third layer dream, it's a good one!!! I can be happy in it because the people I love and care about are in it.
3. Keep a diary of the things you see in the world that make you smile every single day.
For me it's a blue sky, a baby laughing, a cute puppy or an elderly couple holding hands {how sweet!}. Reflect on these things and how little moments can really make up the big picture, set the atmosphere, like in a novel. How the little things become big things. How little happy things become big happy things.
4. Find a layout that appeals to you. Is it movie format? Novel? Poem? Look at the structure of these things, the plot, characters. Compare your life. Who are the main characters in your life? The supporting characters? The ones you don't need? What are the moments that stay with you after you've finished the novel? They may not be the main events but they may touch you. REMEMBER THEM. CHERISH THEM. Has someone given you a gift? Have you found the potential for love? Think of it as a side plot in a novel. One that weaves along with the main plot and has beautiful, small moments that make you stop and think. Appreciate it. Let it become the main plot. Don't worry if moments aren''t movie perfect just go with it. Think of them as the "obstacle" typical dramas have. Think of ways to overcome it.
Write your own ending.
I hope that maybe something there helps .If not I'm a misguided would-be-do-gooder, but I genuinely hope this helps. My life is focused on my religion, the kind, caring, loving, humble, true people in it, my family, and my friends. Find your focus.
Write your own ending.
One last thing- I'm not here to be preachy and I don't in any way want to push you, but I would recommed if you want to really understand the meaning of life, why you are here, to study the Bible. Look for people who base their entire understanding on the Bible and who seem competent with it because they are most surely the ones who will be able to most accurately help. It can be tough reading it on your own- I know. Once more, not trying to be pushy and I respect your beliefs, but I deeply believe it will help.
Thanks for the reply chia782,
Yea I'm trying to focus on religion, and the reason my OCD thoughts pain me the most is that it means that being caring, kind, loving, humble is pointless (as it's a false world, a dream, etc.) even if I know that's not the case. I'm very caring and loving and humble as well. I guess that's why OCD hits people like us really hard. I get annoyed that these stupid thoughts have been turning my LIFE upside down when it shouldn't. I guess that depresses me as well.
Yea I used to be very religious when I was young (ie parents and you believe what you're parents do and say) and had a strong belief in God, then I became skeptical around college, I'm 21, going to be a senior, and I haven't gone to church for a couple years.
I started to get back into religion and faith recently. Have been going to church on both Saturday and Sundays along with talking to pastor's and other fellow Christian's with strong belief about what I have been going through. I believe there is a God (no need to have a religious debate here though) who loves us and has a plan for us if you seek him. My OCD makes it hard sometimes (ie you created this "reality" with a God, etc.) but most of the OCD thoughts are getting weaker.
However, I'm still searching for my "true" self which I had before this bout of OCD which I know I will reach someday because I feel the progress, but sometimes it gets so hard. And I would appreciate it greatly if you would keep me in your prayers (as you seem religious) and I will keep you in mine as well.
Thanks for the effort in your reply chia782 and good luck in your endeavors in life as well.
Yea I'm trying to focus on religion, and the reason my OCD thoughts pain me the most is that it means that being caring, kind, loving, humble is pointless (as it's a false world, a dream, etc.) even if I know that's not the case. I'm very caring and loving and humble as well. I guess that's why OCD hits people like us really hard. I get annoyed that these stupid thoughts have been turning my LIFE upside down when it shouldn't. I guess that depresses me as well.
Yea I used to be very religious when I was young (ie parents and you believe what you're parents do and say) and had a strong belief in God, then I became skeptical around college, I'm 21, going to be a senior, and I haven't gone to church for a couple years.
I started to get back into religion and faith recently. Have been going to church on both Saturday and Sundays along with talking to pastor's and other fellow Christian's with strong belief about what I have been going through. I believe there is a God (no need to have a religious debate here though) who loves us and has a plan for us if you seek him. My OCD makes it hard sometimes (ie you created this "reality" with a God, etc.) but most of the OCD thoughts are getting weaker.
However, I'm still searching for my "true" self which I had before this bout of OCD which I know I will reach someday because I feel the progress, but sometimes it gets so hard. And I would appreciate it greatly if you would keep me in your prayers (as you seem religious) and I will keep you in mine as well.
Thanks for the effort in your reply chia782 and good luck in your endeavors in life as well.
Hi there! I have OCD and Anxiety stemming from PTSD, that usually manifests itself by pervading my thoughts with philosophical issues. Complicated, I know. I'm 34, and I've been dealing with this condition for over 20 years. It will take time to learn how to cope with your condition, but it's possible. 10 years ago my life sucked... I once locked myself in an apartment for 2 years, leaving only for groceries. Now I have a girlfriend (lived together for 3 years!), I can function at social gatherings, I get along with my family and I only freak out... well, a lot. But for the most part, I'm happy.
I'll tell you what has worked for me, in maintaining a decent quality of life while living with the condition. Maybe it'll work for you, maybe not... but here it is.
First of all, the most important thing for me was learning how to compartmentalize, in terms of what was healthy and unhealthy about my thought patterns.
For instance, there's nothing wrong with thinking, in and of itself! Thinking is great. Problem solving is great. Philosophy is fine, even with the metaphysical issues you're dealing with. Academics spend years specializing toward a Phd in their respective field, and they don't suffer the way we do!
I had to realize that OCD and anxiety isn't caused by philosophy... OCD latches onto complex philosophical ideas because it gives our brain an excuse to perpetually problem solve. It's kind of like how depressed people compulsively look for things to feel crappy about, to rationalize their negative feelings. We latch onto complex problems, because we can't shut off our brain and need an outlet for that constantly chattering internal monologue!
The problem is that we can't stop thinking, and we get upset. We fear a particular outcome, usually pertaining to "the unknown" in some way, or the prospect of not solving what we tell ourselves is too urgent a problem to set aside. My advice:
1) Don't try to stop thinking about philosophy, altogether. If it's not philosophy, religion will upset you, or politics, or some sort of melodrama between friends, or some random crap you hear while riding the bus. If you're interested in philosophy (or anything else for that matter), pursue your interest! It's important to do that, in order to build a life for yourself.
2) Focus on the actual problem with OCD: You need to be able to "walk away" from your thought patterns and problem solving. You have to learn to feel comfortable with not knowing stuff, and not fear the things that you think about even when they're scary. That takes a lot of therapy and/or practice, but the sooner you deal with CONTROL and ACCEPTANCE as your focus, the better off you'll be. Academics who ponder whether reality is an illusion can walk away from their work for a few hours, to buy groceries or watch a movie. We can't.
The fix for me: I forced myself to focus on things that didn't trigger anxiety, once a day for two hours. I didn't try to space out watching television (won't happen)... for me it was metaphysics! Political philosophy is what triggers my OCD... long story. So even if my internal monologue was railing for 5 hours against "social contract theory" or whatever, at 5pm I'd force myself to walk away, and focus on something else for two hours. I'd set an alarm every day, and try to drop whatever I'm doing to focus on this pleasant thing for me. It was difficult at first, but it got easier. Now I can force myself to stop thinking on occasion, by intentionally focusing on something that I find pleasant to problem solve. It's not fool proof... I have episodes on a daily basis where I'm preoccupied, distant and irritable, but after 20 minutes I can usually relax. Best of all, I sleep well and I go for hours at a time without obsessing.
3) NO CAFFEINE!! Seriously, no soft drinks, energy drinks, no coffee and DEFINITELY no tylenol for migraines if it contains caffeine. Uppers are the enemy, because adrenaline (or cortisol) causes anxiety, and I believe the OCD as well. I'm convinced OCD is somehow triggered by our fight or flight response. If you're currently drinking a lot of caffeine, expect a 9 day withdrawl period that will suck. After two weeks I promise you'll notice a difference.
4) EXERCISE!!! The best advice my psychiatrist ever gave me: it is impossible to have a panic attack, while exerting yourself toward hard manual labor or exercise. If I'm really panicking I'll sprint laps around the block, and I find it disrupts my thought patterns enough to calm down. The better shape I'm in, the better my condition seems to be. Cutting out fast food helps... eat healthy. I cut down on carbs and salt, eating a lot of fruit, vegetables, nuts and a moderate amount of meat. Vitamin supplements, too.
Good luck.
Link
I'll tell you what has worked for me, in maintaining a decent quality of life while living with the condition. Maybe it'll work for you, maybe not... but here it is.
First of all, the most important thing for me was learning how to compartmentalize, in terms of what was healthy and unhealthy about my thought patterns.
For instance, there's nothing wrong with thinking, in and of itself! Thinking is great. Problem solving is great. Philosophy is fine, even with the metaphysical issues you're dealing with. Academics spend years specializing toward a Phd in their respective field, and they don't suffer the way we do!
I had to realize that OCD and anxiety isn't caused by philosophy... OCD latches onto complex philosophical ideas because it gives our brain an excuse to perpetually problem solve. It's kind of like how depressed people compulsively look for things to feel crappy about, to rationalize their negative feelings. We latch onto complex problems, because we can't shut off our brain and need an outlet for that constantly chattering internal monologue!
The problem is that we can't stop thinking, and we get upset. We fear a particular outcome, usually pertaining to "the unknown" in some way, or the prospect of not solving what we tell ourselves is too urgent a problem to set aside. My advice:
1) Don't try to stop thinking about philosophy, altogether. If it's not philosophy, religion will upset you, or politics, or some sort of melodrama between friends, or some random crap you hear while riding the bus. If you're interested in philosophy (or anything else for that matter), pursue your interest! It's important to do that, in order to build a life for yourself.
2) Focus on the actual problem with OCD: You need to be able to "walk away" from your thought patterns and problem solving. You have to learn to feel comfortable with not knowing stuff, and not fear the things that you think about even when they're scary. That takes a lot of therapy and/or practice, but the sooner you deal with CONTROL and ACCEPTANCE as your focus, the better off you'll be. Academics who ponder whether reality is an illusion can walk away from their work for a few hours, to buy groceries or watch a movie. We can't.
The fix for me: I forced myself to focus on things that didn't trigger anxiety, once a day for two hours. I didn't try to space out watching television (won't happen)... for me it was metaphysics! Political philosophy is what triggers my OCD... long story. So even if my internal monologue was railing for 5 hours against "social contract theory" or whatever, at 5pm I'd force myself to walk away, and focus on something else for two hours. I'd set an alarm every day, and try to drop whatever I'm doing to focus on this pleasant thing for me. It was difficult at first, but it got easier. Now I can force myself to stop thinking on occasion, by intentionally focusing on something that I find pleasant to problem solve. It's not fool proof... I have episodes on a daily basis where I'm preoccupied, distant and irritable, but after 20 minutes I can usually relax. Best of all, I sleep well and I go for hours at a time without obsessing.
3) NO CAFFEINE!! Seriously, no soft drinks, energy drinks, no coffee and DEFINITELY no tylenol for migraines if it contains caffeine. Uppers are the enemy, because adrenaline (or cortisol) causes anxiety, and I believe the OCD as well. I'm convinced OCD is somehow triggered by our fight or flight response. If you're currently drinking a lot of caffeine, expect a 9 day withdrawl period that will suck. After two weeks I promise you'll notice a difference.
4) EXERCISE!!! The best advice my psychiatrist ever gave me: it is impossible to have a panic attack, while exerting yourself toward hard manual labor or exercise. If I'm really panicking I'll sprint laps around the block, and I find it disrupts my thought patterns enough to calm down. The better shape I'm in, the better my condition seems to be. Cutting out fast food helps... eat healthy. I cut down on carbs and salt, eating a lot of fruit, vegetables, nuts and a moderate amount of meat. Vitamin supplements, too.
Good luck.
Link
Hey, thanks for the reply,
I'm doing a lot better now and do steps 3 and 4 completely. I don't drink any caffeinated drinks (ie soda, coffee, energy drinks, etc). I do drink occasionally to socialize etc, but I don't overdo it although I want to sometimes ;). I exercise as much as I can (work out at least 3-4 times a week and walk a bike trail behind my house). I also eat lots of fruits and drink a homemade veggie juice everyday along with taking vitamins. I don't let the OCD control me even though it gets hard sometimes, but I feel I'm slowly, but surely, getting a hold of it. I've improved leaps and bounds since this episode first started and I believe that most of my anxiety doesn't come from my intrusive thoughts, although some of it can be attributed to them, but from personal issues I am experiencing at the moment.
Thanks again, for the advice and reply, it's greatly appreciated!
- Sam
I'm doing a lot better now and do steps 3 and 4 completely. I don't drink any caffeinated drinks (ie soda, coffee, energy drinks, etc). I do drink occasionally to socialize etc, but I don't overdo it although I want to sometimes ;). I exercise as much as I can (work out at least 3-4 times a week and walk a bike trail behind my house). I also eat lots of fruits and drink a homemade veggie juice everyday along with taking vitamins. I don't let the OCD control me even though it gets hard sometimes, but I feel I'm slowly, but surely, getting a hold of it. I've improved leaps and bounds since this episode first started and I believe that most of my anxiety doesn't come from my intrusive thoughts, although some of it can be attributed to them, but from personal issues I am experiencing at the moment.
Thanks again, for the advice and reply, it's greatly appreciated!
- Sam
My post was in response to link611, I had put the name in the "To" section but apparently it did not post it. Thanks link611.
-- VERY LONG POST, SORRY!!! --
Part 1 of 2
Hey Sam,
I am so grateful that you chose to share your thoughts online. I stumbled onto this page by searching "solipsistic fears." My mind is blown by your description of anxiety you (I hope, used to) have, because its intensity and philosophical nature sound so incredibly similar to the nightmarishly awful panic attacks I used to have. I've been diagnosed with OCD and depression, and for years I had philosophical panic attacks which were hinged on the terrifying and (seemingly) un-negatable fear that people are not "real." It feels so unbelievably, ultimately awful while you're in the middle of a panic attack. There's no way to accurately describe to another person just how truly horrible it is, I know. I see that some people have already shared some insightful advice - and although I may not have any new advice, I would like to tell you a bit about my breakdowns, and about recovery from them.
First of all, I'm a 23 year old male currently living in Richmond, Virginia with my girlfriend. I'm a filmmaker, I make music videos professionally, and although i still have OCD and I still THINK ABOUT the philosophical issues that used to torture me, I no longer have constant panic attacks and my most recent one was over 2 years ago. These days, I feel completely in control of my panic and philosophical fears.
I don't know how these strange fears began, but they started when I was seven years old. I had uncontrollable panic attacks in school because of something I described to my mom and dad as "the flip book thing" (meaning I was afraid that the entire world was an illusion and God was holding a flip book in front of my eyes to fool me into thinking there were other people in existence - very weird analogy.) I had two major traumatic experiences early in life (I almost died from streptococcus pneumoniae at the age of five, and that same year a family member incredibly close to me passed away suddenly) and I think these events may have contributed to my feelings of uneasiness as a child.
I had such extreme "flip book thing" panic attacks as a kid that my mom took me out of school in the 5th Grade to home-school me. Shortly before this happened, my parents got divorced which may have further contributed to my anxiety.
I was able to lead a pretty functional life as a middle school/early high school age kid; had a small number of close friends and got along well with my family, but the panic attacks were slowly getting worse, and more frequent.
When I was a young teenager, I started having very intense OCD. This translated itself into many fears (fear of becoming blind and fear of somehow liking my family sexually were two of them - and also, fear that I would do something awful to somebody else, like pushing an old lady, a baby, saying something truly hurtful to a sensitive person, etc - things I would never in real life do but was afraid that I "might" do) but the biggest, most powerful fear was my philosophical fear of being cosmically alone.
My OCD manifested itself with rituals of "preventing" my fear of "becoming" true. I would make myself hop on one foot out of the shower, and I pretended in my brain that if I were to touch 1 wrong tile, my worst fears would come true (which I know is totally ridiculous - and I knew that as I did my rituals, but as you know, OCD operates on a very different plane of logic) - I had "good" colors and "bad" colors and was unable to look at the bad ones for I had a fear that they would have the power to bring about my fears. These are just a few of my strange, lifestyle and behavior-compromising beliefs, there are too many to name.
Then, when I was a young teenager, my Dad died. Over the course of the next few years, my anxiety and OCD got a MILLION times worse. There was a period of time when I was, (already shy) terrified of meeting new people because my speech was so full of "good" words and verbal rituals. My OCD and solipsistic fears were also twisted by a non-religious fear of God: I was so very afraid of sin that I became a mess of rituals in every social situation: I would say Please and Thank you over and over and over, because in my OCD-tinted ideas of morality, that was the "right" thing to do. I became convinced that sexual interest in the opposite sex was "wrong" so I tried my best to avoid any kind of visual stimulation of girls, in person or on TV. This fear of pleasure evolved into a fear of fun, and I would try and deny myself ANY kind of positive stimulation (probably the worst thing I could have done) and there was a period of time when I tried to make myself stare at one point in the wall for literally hours.
Also, for some reason, guilt was an incredibly strong emotion during my panic attacks. Growing up and frequently coinciding with panic attacks, I would have incredibly vivid and terrifying feverdream-like night terrors while sick or sometimes just randomly (this is a whole other thing to talk about) and in these dreams I felt a panic more violent than anything I felt while awake. The content of the dreams almost always had to do with guilt, with me being alone, with with me destroying the cosmos or screwing things up for all of existence somehow. I few years ago I found a good blog where people had very similar dreams to the ones I had.
I was put on Prozac, then Risperdal, then Lexapro. I had a fantastic cognitive therapist and did CBT, meditation and breathing exercises. I was able to pull it together for most of the time, and when for my junior and senior years of high school I went back to public school.
Then, in the second semester of my senior year, I had an absolute breakdown. This is one of the main things that I wanted to describe for you. It was, without any doubt, the absolute worst period of my life. My entire day was a panic attack - I would wake up in the morning, immediately be thrown into a panic, exhaust myself, pass out with the help of a klonopin, then wake up and panic all over again. It was impossible for me to muster the energy to distract myself from mindless panic, and I was at this level of intensity for most of the every whole day for 14 days. Suicide has NEVER, even remotely, been an option for me (I'm very glad to see that you're the same way) but I felt like I would have lost my mind if it had gone on for any longer. Maybe not literally, but that's how I felt at the time.
On the 14th day of my breakdown I took a nap in the afternoon, had some incredibly peculiar and comforting dreams, and when I woke up, I did not have a panic attack for the rest of the night.
I had a few panic attacks over the next couple months, but they were rapidly fading away. I attribute this change to medication, meditation, therapy and diet, but also the plain fact that your psyche cannot panic forever. It gets exhausted. I know this part of my recovery may not be of much practical help as far as advice - but what I'm trying to share with you is the lesson I learned: NO MATTER HOW BAD IT GETS, THERE'S ALWAYS AN END TO THE PANIC. Our brains make us panic because of their physiology, and in our cases, terrifying philosophy is the tool they use to justify the panic. But under the hood, it's all physiology. And our brains are physiologically INCAPABLE of panicking forever.
In my case, I think my brain just burned itself out with the same kind of behavior for too long, and suddenly got bored with the OCD and panic and fears, and wanted switch it up and translate the energy I would normally be panicking with to something else. So please, if you take one thing from my ridiculously long post, try to remind yourself, while you're having a panic attack, that although it FEELS like it will last forever, IT WON'T. And you won't be dealing with the panic attacks the way that you are now forever. I am the living proof of this.
Part 1 of 2
Hey Sam,
I am so grateful that you chose to share your thoughts online. I stumbled onto this page by searching "solipsistic fears." My mind is blown by your description of anxiety you (I hope, used to) have, because its intensity and philosophical nature sound so incredibly similar to the nightmarishly awful panic attacks I used to have. I've been diagnosed with OCD and depression, and for years I had philosophical panic attacks which were hinged on the terrifying and (seemingly) un-negatable fear that people are not "real." It feels so unbelievably, ultimately awful while you're in the middle of a panic attack. There's no way to accurately describe to another person just how truly horrible it is, I know. I see that some people have already shared some insightful advice - and although I may not have any new advice, I would like to tell you a bit about my breakdowns, and about recovery from them.
First of all, I'm a 23 year old male currently living in Richmond, Virginia with my girlfriend. I'm a filmmaker, I make music videos professionally, and although i still have OCD and I still THINK ABOUT the philosophical issues that used to torture me, I no longer have constant panic attacks and my most recent one was over 2 years ago. These days, I feel completely in control of my panic and philosophical fears.
I don't know how these strange fears began, but they started when I was seven years old. I had uncontrollable panic attacks in school because of something I described to my mom and dad as "the flip book thing" (meaning I was afraid that the entire world was an illusion and God was holding a flip book in front of my eyes to fool me into thinking there were other people in existence - very weird analogy.) I had two major traumatic experiences early in life (I almost died from streptococcus pneumoniae at the age of five, and that same year a family member incredibly close to me passed away suddenly) and I think these events may have contributed to my feelings of uneasiness as a child.
I had such extreme "flip book thing" panic attacks as a kid that my mom took me out of school in the 5th Grade to home-school me. Shortly before this happened, my parents got divorced which may have further contributed to my anxiety.
I was able to lead a pretty functional life as a middle school/early high school age kid; had a small number of close friends and got along well with my family, but the panic attacks were slowly getting worse, and more frequent.
When I was a young teenager, I started having very intense OCD. This translated itself into many fears (fear of becoming blind and fear of somehow liking my family sexually were two of them - and also, fear that I would do something awful to somebody else, like pushing an old lady, a baby, saying something truly hurtful to a sensitive person, etc - things I would never in real life do but was afraid that I "might" do) but the biggest, most powerful fear was my philosophical fear of being cosmically alone.
My OCD manifested itself with rituals of "preventing" my fear of "becoming" true. I would make myself hop on one foot out of the shower, and I pretended in my brain that if I were to touch 1 wrong tile, my worst fears would come true (which I know is totally ridiculous - and I knew that as I did my rituals, but as you know, OCD operates on a very different plane of logic) - I had "good" colors and "bad" colors and was unable to look at the bad ones for I had a fear that they would have the power to bring about my fears. These are just a few of my strange, lifestyle and behavior-compromising beliefs, there are too many to name.
Then, when I was a young teenager, my Dad died. Over the course of the next few years, my anxiety and OCD got a MILLION times worse. There was a period of time when I was, (already shy) terrified of meeting new people because my speech was so full of "good" words and verbal rituals. My OCD and solipsistic fears were also twisted by a non-religious fear of God: I was so very afraid of sin that I became a mess of rituals in every social situation: I would say Please and Thank you over and over and over, because in my OCD-tinted ideas of morality, that was the "right" thing to do. I became convinced that sexual interest in the opposite sex was "wrong" so I tried my best to avoid any kind of visual stimulation of girls, in person or on TV. This fear of pleasure evolved into a fear of fun, and I would try and deny myself ANY kind of positive stimulation (probably the worst thing I could have done) and there was a period of time when I tried to make myself stare at one point in the wall for literally hours.
Also, for some reason, guilt was an incredibly strong emotion during my panic attacks. Growing up and frequently coinciding with panic attacks, I would have incredibly vivid and terrifying feverdream-like night terrors while sick or sometimes just randomly (this is a whole other thing to talk about) and in these dreams I felt a panic more violent than anything I felt while awake. The content of the dreams almost always had to do with guilt, with me being alone, with with me destroying the cosmos or screwing things up for all of existence somehow. I few years ago I found a good blog where people had very similar dreams to the ones I had.
I was put on Prozac, then Risperdal, then Lexapro. I had a fantastic cognitive therapist and did CBT, meditation and breathing exercises. I was able to pull it together for most of the time, and when for my junior and senior years of high school I went back to public school.
Then, in the second semester of my senior year, I had an absolute breakdown. This is one of the main things that I wanted to describe for you. It was, without any doubt, the absolute worst period of my life. My entire day was a panic attack - I would wake up in the morning, immediately be thrown into a panic, exhaust myself, pass out with the help of a klonopin, then wake up and panic all over again. It was impossible for me to muster the energy to distract myself from mindless panic, and I was at this level of intensity for most of the every whole day for 14 days. Suicide has NEVER, even remotely, been an option for me (I'm very glad to see that you're the same way) but I felt like I would have lost my mind if it had gone on for any longer. Maybe not literally, but that's how I felt at the time.
On the 14th day of my breakdown I took a nap in the afternoon, had some incredibly peculiar and comforting dreams, and when I woke up, I did not have a panic attack for the rest of the night.
I had a few panic attacks over the next couple months, but they were rapidly fading away. I attribute this change to medication, meditation, therapy and diet, but also the plain fact that your psyche cannot panic forever. It gets exhausted. I know this part of my recovery may not be of much practical help as far as advice - but what I'm trying to share with you is the lesson I learned: NO MATTER HOW BAD IT GETS, THERE'S ALWAYS AN END TO THE PANIC. Our brains make us panic because of their physiology, and in our cases, terrifying philosophy is the tool they use to justify the panic. But under the hood, it's all physiology. And our brains are physiologically INCAPABLE of panicking forever.
In my case, I think my brain just burned itself out with the same kind of behavior for too long, and suddenly got bored with the OCD and panic and fears, and wanted switch it up and translate the energy I would normally be panicking with to something else. So please, if you take one thing from my ridiculously long post, try to remind yourself, while you're having a panic attack, that although it FEELS like it will last forever, IT WON'T. And you won't be dealing with the panic attacks the way that you are now forever. I am the living proof of this.
Part 2:
I think Link is completely right with his list of advice - especially when he suggests you don't try to stop thinking about philosophy, or the intellectual things that seem to be causing the panic. Because philosophy has such power over your OCD, I assume that you're very interested in philosophy. And, like you, movies that have to do with the nature of a false reality have really scared the crap out of me. I was freaking out about this stuff before Inception came out, but thinking about The Matrix tortured me, and when I was in the movie theater toward the end of Vanilla Sky - I had one of my worst panic attacks ever. That being said, I love movies that play with reality, and the stimulating, positive reaction I have to them is particularly strong because those ideas are powerful to me. I love the power of very scary ideas - ideas that would have sent me into a panic a few years ago - because they hit me on a very deep level and stimulate my creative imagination like almost nothing else has the power to do.
I tend to think that highly imaginative people are often afflicted with OCD, and that one can look at OCD as a condition of having one's imagination TURNED AGAINST its owner - to create problems for itself, because the imaginative mind when dominated by OCD LOVES solving problems - even at the expense of the owner's emotional well being. So don't try and shut off the things that scare you - they probably frighten you because you have a passion for them, and that's a good thing.
I also agree with NOT FIGHTING THE PANIC. In my experience, fighting it makes it worse. When you feel a panic attack coming on, try to tell yourself "okay, I'm going to panic now and I'll let it run its course" because that helps me lower my anxiety.
Also, diet makes a HUGE difference - I drank lots and lots of coca cola as a kid, and I cut caffeine out of my diet (doctor suggested it) around the time I stopped having chronic panic attacks. Even nowadays, when I have a coke or a cigarette (they do the same thing to me) I feel a little shaky and find myself ritualistically blinking at the walls to prevent my fears from approaching.
And my one VERY STRONG PIECE OF ADVICE: I suggest that you, at all costs, stay away from marijuana. I'm personally not morally or politically opposed to it, but in my experience it has the power to bring back my philosophical terrors like no other stimulant. (I've never tried cocaine but I bet that is much worse!) I went for 1 full year without having a panic attack, I smoked weed one night, and I had TERRIBLE panic attacks for the next week. Then, I swore off the stuff and it's been over 2 years and I haven't felt the slightest bit philosophically panicked. Of course everyone's different, but for me it's just not worth the risk.
Other than that, just know that it gets better. There were periods in my life where I was absolutely convinced that I would never get any better, that having panic attacks was something I would have to deal with for my entire life. Things that DEFINITELY helped me: family, therapy, diet, medication, friends, constant stimulation, but if I were to go back in time and give myself advice during one my panic attacks, I would try to convince myself that my mindset has a natural tendency to evolve. So try to let that idea sink in and let it be of comfort, if your OCD will let it.
I have never met another person who has been plagued by exactly this type of anxiety, so I would love to compare notes with you sometime!
How's it going as of recent?
Will Bryan
***@****
I think Link is completely right with his list of advice - especially when he suggests you don't try to stop thinking about philosophy, or the intellectual things that seem to be causing the panic. Because philosophy has such power over your OCD, I assume that you're very interested in philosophy. And, like you, movies that have to do with the nature of a false reality have really scared the crap out of me. I was freaking out about this stuff before Inception came out, but thinking about The Matrix tortured me, and when I was in the movie theater toward the end of Vanilla Sky - I had one of my worst panic attacks ever. That being said, I love movies that play with reality, and the stimulating, positive reaction I have to them is particularly strong because those ideas are powerful to me. I love the power of very scary ideas - ideas that would have sent me into a panic a few years ago - because they hit me on a very deep level and stimulate my creative imagination like almost nothing else has the power to do.
I tend to think that highly imaginative people are often afflicted with OCD, and that one can look at OCD as a condition of having one's imagination TURNED AGAINST its owner - to create problems for itself, because the imaginative mind when dominated by OCD LOVES solving problems - even at the expense of the owner's emotional well being. So don't try and shut off the things that scare you - they probably frighten you because you have a passion for them, and that's a good thing.
I also agree with NOT FIGHTING THE PANIC. In my experience, fighting it makes it worse. When you feel a panic attack coming on, try to tell yourself "okay, I'm going to panic now and I'll let it run its course" because that helps me lower my anxiety.
Also, diet makes a HUGE difference - I drank lots and lots of coca cola as a kid, and I cut caffeine out of my diet (doctor suggested it) around the time I stopped having chronic panic attacks. Even nowadays, when I have a coke or a cigarette (they do the same thing to me) I feel a little shaky and find myself ritualistically blinking at the walls to prevent my fears from approaching.
And my one VERY STRONG PIECE OF ADVICE: I suggest that you, at all costs, stay away from marijuana. I'm personally not morally or politically opposed to it, but in my experience it has the power to bring back my philosophical terrors like no other stimulant. (I've never tried cocaine but I bet that is much worse!) I went for 1 full year without having a panic attack, I smoked weed one night, and I had TERRIBLE panic attacks for the next week. Then, I swore off the stuff and it's been over 2 years and I haven't felt the slightest bit philosophically panicked. Of course everyone's different, but for me it's just not worth the risk.
Other than that, just know that it gets better. There were periods in my life where I was absolutely convinced that I would never get any better, that having panic attacks was something I would have to deal with for my entire life. Things that DEFINITELY helped me: family, therapy, diet, medication, friends, constant stimulation, but if I were to go back in time and give myself advice during one my panic attacks, I would try to convince myself that my mindset has a natural tendency to evolve. So try to let that idea sink in and let it be of comfort, if your OCD will let it.
I have never met another person who has been plagued by exactly this type of anxiety, so I would love to compare notes with you sometime!
How's it going as of recent?
Will Bryan
***@****
Thank you for both of your posts. I especially loved the paragraph
"I tend to think that highly imaginative people are often afflicted with OCD, and that one can look at OCD as a condition of having one's imagination TURNED AGAINST its owner - to create problems for itself, because the imaginative mind when dominated by OCD LOVES solving problems - even at the expense of the owner's emotional well being. So don't try and shut off the things that scare you - they probably frighten you because you have a passion for them, and that's a good thing."
This is an older post and most likely others will not look at it. Why don't you copy and past yours into a new post with the title of something like "My OCD success story." Something like that so that people will know to read what is a success story. You have run the gamut of OCD from irrational thinking to ritualistic behavior and I think that other OCD sufferers can learn a lot from your post.
Samdagonner's last post was November 19th. He hasn't posted anything since and so he may never see what you wrote. It would be a shame if others didn't see it.
Take care.
"I tend to think that highly imaginative people are often afflicted with OCD, and that one can look at OCD as a condition of having one's imagination TURNED AGAINST its owner - to create problems for itself, because the imaginative mind when dominated by OCD LOVES solving problems - even at the expense of the owner's emotional well being. So don't try and shut off the things that scare you - they probably frighten you because you have a passion for them, and that's a good thing."
This is an older post and most likely others will not look at it. Why don't you copy and past yours into a new post with the title of something like "My OCD success story." Something like that so that people will know to read what is a success story. You have run the gamut of OCD from irrational thinking to ritualistic behavior and I think that other OCD sufferers can learn a lot from your post.
Samdagonner's last post was November 19th. He hasn't posted anything since and so he may never see what you wrote. It would be a shame if others didn't see it.
Take care.
Thanks for the in-depth post and testimonial. I've been a lot better, way better in-fact, than when I last wrote on here. I've been doing a lot of the things you suggested (ie eating healthy, not fighting my thoughts, and i've never smoked marijuana before and don't intend to) I've pretty much gotten the hang of my OCD although the thoughts still linger and I'm still hesitant and wary of them. I'm still scared of going through what I've been through, traumatized in a sense. For example, I skimmed very quickly through your 1st post because I was, for a lack of a better word, scared of what thoughts might have harassed and invaded my mind from your struggles. Although the second post I read with ease and appreciation.
Honestly, I feel much better and am 90-95% "myself" (thanks for asking). I have come a long way since my last post and I live my life the way I want to. In fact, I feel I I've become a better person, more active in life and I take less things for granted in way. Anyways thanks for the reply WillBryan and I hope your post helps others going through the same struggle as you and I did.
Honestly, I feel much better and am 90-95% "myself" (thanks for asking). I have come a long way since my last post and I live my life the way I want to. In fact, I feel I I've become a better person, more active in life and I take less things for granted in way. Anyways thanks for the reply WillBryan and I hope your post helps others going through the same struggle as you and I did.
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I think the toughest part is that we know these thoughts are irrational, I mean we are smart people, but knowing that isn't always the answer obviously. We constantly test ourselves, and when we finally resolve something it is replaced by yet another test. The key is to not fight it because the more we do the worse it gets.
I also understand your need for this to go away and to be normal again. The bonus is that you know you WILL be normal again, it just is going to take some time. You know this, because you have lived through it before so that in itself should be comforting. Remind yourself of that when you are in that OCD cycle.
You are way ahead of the game here. You may not believe it but you really are. You know the thoughts are irrational, you are seeing a psychiatrist and you are taking medication for it. The increased dosage in Prozac will take some time to take effect as you probably know. You need a really good 4-6 weeks of being at the optimal dose to get the real benefits. Take the klonopin as instructed. It will actually build up to a steady state in your system and be more helpful. I take it myself.
The other thing I would suggest is seeking out a Psychologist to go hand-in-hand with the Psychiatrist. There are psychologists that specialize in cognitive behavioral therapy and I think that goes a long way with the medication. Most Psychiatrists do not teach CBT but you can discuss this with yours and if they don't perhaps they can give you the name of someone that does. Usually at that point the psychiatrist just takes over the medication and the psychologist takes over the actual therapy part.
Here is a book that I also found very helpful during my last major OCD crisis which was in May. It is called Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani and it has a green cover. I read that thing to death and it really helped me.
Also, I am glad to see that you know that suicide is not the answer. Yes, if we were not here we would not be suffering but compared to having cancer or something like that, we are better off. I know you don't think that now but we truly are. Your derealization/depersonalization will go away, I promise you! And you will be able to do all those things on your to-do list.
If you want to know more about me, then you can read "About me" under my name. It does not list everything I have been through becasue that would take an entire book, but you will get the gist about me and that I understand you and what you are going through.
Feel free to post again here if you need to talk or you can PM me and I will respond. Keep me posted as to how you are doing! You WILL get over this.