HOCD Or what

[jessica27900]

So ever since I was little i have had a primary interest in boys, I remember having crushes on stuff like that. In 7th grade i had a huge crush on this guy and it was a feeling i never experienced before it felt like i was genuinely in love and to this day I imagine falling asleep in his arms and sometimes kissing him and whatever. Then one day i stayed after school with my neighbor who happened to be gay and he was telling me about how he knew he was gay and how he came out and i noticed some similarities like when he watched porn he would always stare at the guy but i do that too but instead i stare at the girl, I thought it was normal I don't want to be gay. He  really scared me and i spiraled into a constant plauge out thoughts that were "what if your gay". Ever since then i went to therapy and my therapist said at first "no this isn't actually begin gay its anxiety and ocd". In the past i have had a number of odd symptoms… anyway i keep doubting everything about myself. My therapist says it boils down to the fact that I'm scared of being alone because all my fears do but this feels so real. Its like every time i see a girl i would check to see if i felt anything and ill do the same with boys. And it feels like i have another person in my head saying "You want to kiss her, you want to make out with her" and that makes me feel awful. I also fantasize about lesbian fantasies but i think thats jus because i know i would never do that and taboos turn me on but IDK!! IM scared the only thing that makes me feel better is when someone tells me I'm not gay!! Ill have good days and bad days where i feel super gay one day and I'm depressed and then one day ill be super happy and think about boys all the time. Im scared and i don't know what to do. THese thoughts have been happening for 6 months so far so please tell me if I'm gay or what. I hate this and i don't know what to do, eveythime someone tells me I'm not i always doubt them it feels like my mind is convinced i am. Its gotten really bad lately because ill say to myself "alright if the clock says 2:37 then your gay" or ill be watching tv and say "If one of the characteres is wearing a red shirt then your gay" or if I'm listening to the radio ill say "If the next song is by taylor swift then your gay" and dumb stuff like that. Please tell me if I'm gay or this is HOCD. Also i take all these ocd tests to try and prove to myself that I'm not but i only feel releif for a couple mins. There is this voice in my head that saying weird stuff like "your lying to yourself you know your gay" and "deep down you know you want to be gay" and awful things like that. PLEASE HELP ME !!! thank you.

[JGF25]

Hi there.  OCD is called the doubting disorder.  Because we doubt our own thoughts.  It is also like fighting a war with your own mind.  You say one thing and your mind says something completely different.  How old are you?  Can you talk to your parents about this?  

[jessica27900]

Thats exactly how i feel!! I say I'm not gay but my mind says I am...Ya I have, my mom keeps saying "i know that your not gay, i have seen how you have been with boys before and so has everyone else." I mean i guess it makes me feel better when someone tells me I'm not its like they have no idea what I'm going through . Im 15