Hi, I'm a 21 year old female and I've irrationally feared that I've had HIV since middle school. I would sit in the mirror completely horrified with myself from contracting hiv from petting my dog who had warts on his belly. Ever since, I haven't been able to shake it. I never knew it was classified as OCD. Now that sex and alchol have been in the mix my worries have only intensified. I seriously can't handle it. Recently I had my first experience of trying to make unprotected sex happen through rape in order to justify my concern. As I've read through this community as well as received some replies, I feel better about my last risk. You've helped me see that I'm just trying to rationalize something unlikely. I would feel if I was raped in the span of four hours, I would've most likely woken up since I did not black out, since his penis was large my vagina wouldn't have been used to it in the same way that even tampns hurt, i would've at least known I had sex if not rape, he didn't even finger me when I was awake, I was able to consciously refuse sex when I was awake, because his penis was large he wouldn't have been able to casually enter me- he'd need to lift my legs or turn me over or something and I wouldn't felt that, I wasn't drugged because I woke up easily, the anonymous potential rapist most likely would've hoped to remain anonymous instead of giving me his number as well as to my friends for them to be certain they could reach me. This would only leave frottage in this situation which is zero to low risk activity which I must feel extremely guilty about for even placing myself so close to danger. The result of the evening could've been far more damaging