Hocd or denial????

[Annanguyen08]

Hi I’m a 15 year old girl and I think I’m dealing with hocd. So it started when I had a dream about a women. She offered to kiss me but I said no but when I was half awake still kinda sleeping I for some reason went forward with it and made out with her and I liked it. When I woke up I was shocked bc I always knew I was straight and never questioned it. For months the ocd has gotten to me and I was always in the repetitive cycle that ocd does you know compulsion and always checking and finding reassurance. I would like to say now that it’s getting better and I’m controlling my thought better but they definitely are still there and still gives me anxiety. I’m actually here bc I currently relapsed and starting to feel more anxious throughout the day. Now I genuinely do think I would enjoy being with a girl and have sexual interactions with her and it’s terrifying for me. Before this I would never thought about this and would never questioned my sexuality. I would be disgusted when I think about my self with a girl or when a lesbian Instagram post would pop up. But now it feels so real. It’s to a point where I know I would enjoy it but I don’t think it me bc before this I wouldn’t. But it feels so real. Can ocd do this? Does it makes you like things you didn’t before? Does that feeling of enjoyment goes away once you control your ocd? Or it is just me and I am in denial?? Please help me I’ve been like this for 3 months and I just want my normal life back. Also I just want to say I don’t have anything against the LBGQT+ community it just I personally don’t want to be bi.

[Paxiled]

First, you are self-diagnosing, which you can't do.  Second, HOCD is a term, not a real thing.  It's not OCD.  It's a form of phobia where someone becomes irrationally terrified they are gay.  It generally flows from bias against gays, because if we didn't have that it wouldn't bother us.  Obsessively thinking about things happens.  Sometimes it's an anxiety disorder and sometimes it's just a bad week and sometimes it's stress and sometimes it's just the disorder called being 15 years old.  Your brain is still developing, and your personality is changing from a childhood one to an adult one.  Being in between can be maddening.  And a lot of fun.  If you're bisexual, and if you like guys you're not obviously exclusively gay, it might be because you want an adventure or it might be because that's who you are.  You're too inexperienced having actual sex to know yet.  In the next few years you will find out for sure.  In the meantime, if you find this becomes destructive to your life, seeing a therapist to hash it out can help.  Having such thoughts is normal.  And common.  Only time can answer the question of your sexuality, because if you're not sure, you can't really say one way or the other.  You get a lot of thoughts in life that have bothered you, I'm sure, as we all do, but you didn't label any of them OCD.  This one you do.  Why?  Because it's so wrapped up in sexuality and in something that has been stigmatized for the last few centuries.  Peace.

[Annanguyen08]

I understand where you are coming from. I am still pretty young and inexperienced to answer this question. But I’m just confused because it happened so suddenly like one day I wouldn’t even think about my sexuality and then i woke up one morning and  I thought I was bi. I also could see where you think I’m self diagnosing but I came to this site because I was trying to find if I had hocd or not. I thought with a community that was going through similar things could help me better understand. But thank you for taking your time to read and reply!

[Paxiled]

I did actually got through fears of being gay when I was 17.  It didn't last long.  It came after a bad break-up with the woman I had my first intense physical relationship with.  In my case, I sought out a therapist, who told me my thoughts were normal, and the whole thing went away.  That's the experience I'm coming from.  I'm unbelievably and boringly straight.  But at that age I didn't understand what was going on.  Because I was your age, and knew a whole lot of people who were your age, and grew up in the Sixties and 70's when a whole lot of sexual experimentation was going on, it was something a lot of people were talking about, writing about, and experimenting with.  So people do wake up and have thoughts.  That isn't going to go away.  What will go away in time is your uncertainty about your sexuality, but only with time.  There's so much information around now that wasn't around when I was 15 and it raises a lot of thoughts, but we are who we are.  It's okay to think.  It's no fun to torment yourself about thinking.  If you do the latter, talking to a professional can be helpful.  But nobody can decide for you who you are.  Again, only time will answer that.  Being 15 and being confused just means you think about things.  Frankly, I'm 67 and still pretty confused.  You will learn and grow, and remember to have fun doing it.  Peace.