This is a hard one. I personally don't like the term HOCD. It's a label that, when applied to you, can make you begin to think of yourself as fitting or not fitting the label. The problem with most people who post on here is that they are, deep inside sometimes, extremely biased against gay people even though they are not that way in any malicious sense but because of the centuries we've been through demonizing gays. It's hard for any of us, even those who absolutely know they are gay, to escape this long and current history of believing being gay is a sin. There was a time before that when being gay or bisexual was normal, so times do change. But in your case, you really don't seem to evince a bias against gays at all. You seem much more generally concerned about this because it goes against what you have always believed you want, which is marriage and a family. Of course, you can have that as a lesbian. Gays can have children now. So maybe there is that insidious bias we pretty much all have after centuries of Christianity, Judaism, and Islam teaching us to think of homosexuality as a horrific thing. Which of course led to the discrimination that did make it a really hard thing to be. I always say, most of us at some point in our lives reach a point of insecurity about our sexuality usually due to problems with relationships or a relationship that causes us to wonder about maybe we're not succeeding because we're gay. But I also think actions define us, not just our thoughts. Everyone thinks. Lots of thoughts. So whether or not HOCD is a thing or just another one of those made up diagnoses that exist today to sell drugs and therapy, what you do have is a really bad case of a phobia about being gay and anxiety that has grown so obsessive with you that you're letting it destroy your life. When you get to that point and you're already in therapy, you need a different therapist. And when it gets to the point where you are quitting work and avoiding people and life, medication starts to become something to explore as well with your therapist. You don't want to let any phobia drive you into isolation. We're probably all bisexual in the sense that sex feels good no matter whether it's just with ourselves so the act itself just feels good. But your sexuality is more about who you love and want to be in relationships with, not just the sex act. So you really have two choices here beyond trying to figure out why you have gotten so insecure about your sexuality with your therapist, and that is, either try having sex with a woman and see if that floats your boat or just go on as you have, which is a completely heterosexual life. Both are fine. That's not the problem. The problem is, you're letting it eat you alive, and that's the mental illness part of it because the mere fact you find women attractive, well, who doesn't? Most women do look at other women even if they are completely hetero and completely hetero men can admire a really good looking man. Doesn't mean that's who you want to be with. That's for you to figure out, but that's not why you're suffering, that's just a choice just like all the other choices you make in life. You're suffering because you're letting this obsess you, and so the real problem again is to learn how not to do that. The rest will take care of itself in your actions. Peace.
I just want to emphasize aswell that I didnt mention there is I know I'm not a lesbian, my worry is about being bisexual. The amount of times I have said to myself 'what if I'm bi?' in a day is ridiculous. Its not a bad thing but I just know that it isn't right for me. Yet the thoughts don't stop and surely if I was it wouldn't make me so anxious. My family are very open minded and would be fine if I were, but I don't feel like that's my concern.
Any thoughts ? Thanks!!