OCD issues, LONG

[Subliminal87]

So where to start?  I am 25 almost 26, I have had OCD since I was 10 give or take an earlier year.    I've been to several doctors when I was younger, mostly family doctors,  then psychologists and then psychiatrists, each over a course of years.  psychiatrists stated it was higher end moderate to severe OCD.     One doctor thought it wasn't just OCD, but OCD with tourettes syndrome.   It however is not, and that still to this day is the hardest ******* thing to get removed from my medical files.  I was 11 when they said that,  I had surgery three years ago who still had it listed.  

Besides the OCD, I had MDD (Major Depression Disorder), Social Anxiety Disorder, and now talking to a therapist they are thinking anti-social personality disorder.  I take Xanax 1MG+ because of Anxiety, and 2MG if my OCD is constant and doesn't stop.  I wait over 30 mins and my OCD kind of lets up because of the Xanax. Also have a mood disorder.

From when I was 10 to when I was 16 I have tried atleast 7-8 Different OCD meds.  
Zoloft, Lexapro, Paxil, Prozac, Effexor, Luvox just to name a few.    

Some meds helped for awhile, then their effect went away,  up the dosage and I became a zombie with some,  others, just didn't work at all it seemed like.   Allergic reactions to some as well.  

A few years ago, I got pissed off an tried Doxiepin (not sure if spelled right) 100 MG daily,  this was the sweet spot.   However I work late nights.  This medicine messed up my sleep schedule way to much.  I'd be driving home at 11PM and almost fall asleep.  I fell asleep once at a red light.   It put a dent into the OCD, but 100 MG was too much to be able to work my hours.  Anything less didn't have the release from OCD.  

I've gone to therapy, didn't help.  Sure it helped with the depression and anger, but did nothing for OCD.  

I have to repeat almost everything that I do,  three sets of three,  or four sets of 4,  some things 8 sets of 8.   It's ******* annoying.  Typing all this out, I backspaced, typed, backspaced, typed, backspaced, typed.    I have to repeat what I say at times, three times.  I constantly have to check to make sure lights and other things are turned off, and are turned off "Correctly"  (Does it feel "right").   If I try to ignore it, I can only ignore the urge for a few mins then a "well if I don't do it that way,  "this" will happen"  Irrational thoughts because of not doing it correctly.    


A few amount of close friends know I have it,  I can hide it incredibly well.  I simply stay away from things I know I will have to repeat.  However, recently my OCD has seemed like it is getting worse.  More people who I have normally been able to hide it from have taken notice and they kind of have the "What the ****?" look.   I completely hate OCD, I hate living because of it.  I have thought of "opting" out so many times just to not have to deal with OCD.     OCD issues trigger anxiety, repeating something only to have someone interrupt and having to redo it causes anger.    

The other day, I took my wedding band off to wash my hands, I know I put it back on ,however for about half an hour I had a full on panic attack because "what if I didn't put it back on" even though it was.  


I have broke objects because I couldn't turn them off "correctly".  I broke light switches (alot), doors, door knobs, I broke my car window roller (roll to make it go up and down),  Push on it five times to make sure it was up,  1,2,3,4 HARD 5 snap.  


IT is getting worse, when I was younger it was far far far worse than what it currently is, but I think it's going back that way.  


Anyone here have any medicine that they have taken and think works great? I am desperate.  Desperate to the point when I am even considering electroconvulsive therapy.

I cannot go through life anymore with this.    

[JGF25]

Also for checking I say things out loud like "the iron is off" when I unplug it to "the door is lock" so that when that moment of panic comes over me I can remember my words.

[JGF25]

I use what I call the "whatever" approach. So for instance if I think too much in the car that I'm going to have a panic attack, I would have one so when I catch myself thinking about it I say "whatever, I have had them before and I was fine so bring it on." I don't have one because I have taken the fear away from the thought.

I also had a bathroom problem thru college in that I felt I had to go all the time or I would wet my pants. Had a traumatic exerience as a kid with ths. Anyway I could walk out of a bathroom and want to run back in. Eventually after giving into this compulsion for far too long I said ENOUGH. And when the urge came to run ack in, I didn't. I breathed my way through it. Yes it took a while but after I was better I would hold it as long as I could just to prove that I won't pee my pants.

This is a book I read...Self coaching by Joseph Luciani

Klonopin is no different from Xanax really. Just takes longer to start working but stays in your system longer. Some people dose it several times a day but it des make you tired and spacey if the ose is too high. The Wellbutrin I went on because I was tired of the sexual side effects of the SSRIs. I had my doubts that it would work but it does. I dd have to dose up after about a year or so because of a huge stresser in my life that caused me to take a few steps back.

[Subliminal87]

Yes I am,  they did try controlled breathing but it doesn't work for me.  I tried replacing negative thoughts with positive but if I stop repeating "cold turkey" to replace it with positive,  it doesn't last long.  

How do you self coach that helps you ?   I'll have to check into Klonopin and wellbutrin, any odd side effects/