Avatar universal

Is this hocd anymore?? I’m so scared.

This might get kinda gross and triggering so I’m so sorry ahead of time. I’m in a really really bad place right now. I am 21 years old and I believe I have had ocd my whole life. I’ve gone through different themes over the years but I have been dealing with hocd for over a year now, at least I hope that’s what it is. It started last January, and I think a little in October, I was feeling anxious about things, I had hocd years ago, but it only lasted a few months and I was so relieved when I finally got over it. Anyways I was feeling kinda anxious about it again and worried but it was nothing terrible and I soon forgot about it, then in January the big what if question came back and it through me into a frenzy of panic. The anxiety and heart ache all soon became to overwhelming and it became debilitating. I couldn’t eat or sleep, my grades feel I practically failed that semester. It was so bad I couldn’t get out of bed most days. It continued like that for months and months. The thoughts were so intrusive and I hated them. They felt so real and it was so so bad. Then summer happened and I started getting a little better (not much). I started seeing a counselor/ ended switching to a specialist. The thoughts weren’t as intense and I was always able to realize that I really didn’t want these things. Well now it’s back to being debilitating again. Idk what to do anymore. I used to have the thoughts and feel repulsed but now I don’t feel repulsed anymore. ***this is the gross part**** I have this thought of touching a girls vagina and before all this I would have been totally grossed out and repulsed, now it feels like I would actually do it!!!! I think about it so vividly as if I am actually doing it in that moment and I feel no discomfort or or disgust!! And then for a moment I get this feeling in my heart that feels like desire!!! Like I like it and would actually want to do it!! Then I get this groinal response or feeling of sexual excitement and it just makes me feel like I would want to do it even more!! But then my heart aches snd the anxiety comes in!! I’m so scared it feels like I would actually like these things now!! I don’t want to be gay/bi! There is nothing wrong with people who are I just never in my life thought that this was who I was. I have been a dancer my whole life. And I have spent countless times in dressing rooms with other girls changing and I never once felt any type of sexual attraction or attraction at all!! Not once!!! I never even thought about it. The time before when I have hocd it happened right after a really really bad breakup. But then I got over it and was back to my boy loving self and I was so happy. I can remember feeling like I was me again, my old self was back and I was so happy. But now I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so lost. I’m in a really bad place. I’ve posted on here before but it’s gotten worse. I’ve never felt like I would be comfortable doing these things like I do now. I get this arousal feeling and it feels like I would actually enjoy or that I am enjoying the thought and feel turned on by it. But then my heart aches so much. I don’t know what to do I don’t want to be this way. Someone please help me
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Avatar universal
Well, sorry, but you might very well enjoy it.  That doesn't, however, make you gay.  People in prison have sex with one another because there's no one else to have sex with, but when they get out they are who they are.  Pleasure is pleasure, and sex just feels good.  But the question really is, who do you want to be a romantic partner with?  If you consider most people masturbate, well, that's not because we're autosexual, it's just because it feels good and lets off some negative energy.  The only way you'll know for sure is to just go do it.  But if you don't want to do it, you're not gay or bi.  The problem isn't that you have these thoughts, it's that the thoughts bother you this much.  That's an anxiety problem, a phobia about being gay.  This is due to centuries of discrimination and condemnation of gay sex, and while you may have gay friends, that doesn't make you not have a bias against being gay.  This afflicts all of us, even gay people.  But your actions are those of a heterosexual person, as you've certainly had a lot of opportunities to have gay sex and never have.  But again, if you truly wanted to do it, you'd do it and see if you liked it and it wouldn't bother you this much, it would just be another of those many things in life we have to figure out.  It bothers you because you have a phobia about being gay, which is an anxiety problem, which you treat with therapy and, if it gets this much in the way of your life, perhaps medication.  
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I don’t want to enjoy it though. I don’t want to do these things and I don’t want to like them. I don’t even know why I just don’t it doesn’t feel right! I’ve always been straight and that had always been a part of who I am. I know it’s not a big deal what your sexuality is to others, but I just never wanted these things. It bothers me that I don’t feel discomfort by these things like I have my whole life! It feels wrong like I’m doing something bad when I think of the thought. I hate it. It makes me feel like I would do these things and like them, like if I just stopped feeling anxiety I would like it and I don’t want this at all.
I don’t want to just go do it!! I don’t want that at all! I feel so terrible about all of this
Even when I am able to determine that I don’t want to do these things snd don’t like them the thought is still always there in the back of my mind making me feel like I was lying to myself and I hate it. I feel link I’m constant thinking about it all of the time and I hate it
I think of the thought and it feels like I would be comfortable doing it and I hate it. I don’t want to do it, it makes a my heart ache tremendously because I hate it I don’t want to do it at all but the thought doesn’t repulse me or disgust me anymore and that’s what bothers me the most
And whenever I feel like I would actually do these things snd be okay with it I feel so so upset and feel so much heart ache because I don’t want to do this at all
It feels like I would be comfortable doing these things and I hate that. It feels like I’m doing something wrong. But then I have moments where if feels like I know this is who I am snd it just makes my heart ache and the anxiety worse. I just went out to hangout with my friends and the whole time I was there my mind was thinking about this stuff and it felt like I would be comfortable doing these things like the thought didn’t weird me out or disgusted me, I didn’t feel repulsed snd I just felt this constant ache and anxiety the whole time. I wanted to cry because it felt like this is who I am. I just want to be happy like I was before all of this started and I feel like I never will be
Again, you have an anxiety problem and you need to see a psychologist who specializes in the treatment of anxiety.  It's not the thoughts that are the problem, it's the fact they are bothering you to this extent.  I repeat, what you want to be isn't relevant.  What you are is what you are.  And the fact you have always been hetero most likely means that's what you are, as you would have known if you were gay by now because guys wouldn't have been appealing to you.  But being bi is a different thing, and nobody really knows unless they try, really.  Most  of us don't try because we don't really think about it that much -- we accept who we like and go with it.  In your case, you're choosing between chocolate and vanilla and the choice is driving you nuts, not the chocolate or the vanilla, and that's what you need to work on before it consumes you.  Peace.
Avatar universal
And the thoughts gets even deeper and my brain says things like “would a girl like this? Would this be something they would like?” And then I feel terrible and it makes me feel like I want to do these things. It makes me feel like if the other person is liking it then I would and I hate it! I hate this so much. Why and I thinking this ****. What is happening to me
Helpful - 0
And then when I think of touching a guy I feel like I get the same feeling snd it makes everything worse. I just feel so sad and defeated. It feels like this is who I am and I hate it. I keep thinking of things I did when I was little and it feels like I have proof of this being real. That I desire these things. It feels like I would actually do these things and I just want to cry
It feels like this is who I am and that I know this is who I am snd that I would do these things and enjoy them and it makes my heart ache so much. It bothers me so much. And my mind says “just be happy being bi/gay” or “you know you like these things” but they feel true snd I hate it. It makes me sad and I hate it. I’ve only ever had crushes on boys never girls. Sure I though they were pretty but never anything like this! Now it feels like I want to do these things and I hate it so much
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