Yet another perceived HIV risk

[LJF1985]

Ok, so by now you all know I have some serious paranoia and OCD surrounding HIV.
I have now arranged my first appointment with the psychiatrist which is in a couple of weeks but let me explain what my new 'fad' is over contracting HIV.
Long story short, I'm paranoid that just before I lay in bed and had a safety pin stick in my leg, somebody (specifically my neighbour) had tainted it with infected blood. I don't know why I fear my neighbour but for some reason I have in my mind that he has HIV and wants to infect me. I accept that this is unbelievable paranoia stemming from the OCD but it seems my mind just constantly finds something to worry about when I have convinced it that other events are no risk to me. They just get more and more bizarre by the second and because of tonight's 'exposure' I am back to square one and feeling that I have been infected. It's a never ending cycle.
What I'm finding is that my compulsions are no longer alleviating the anxiety but in fact making it worse. As an example, I will worry over being stabbed with a needle, go check my body out, see nothing, accept it's ok but then move onto thinking what if somebody stabbed me whilst I was checking my body. It's now beyond ridiculous what my mind conjures up.
Just thought I'd share that with you.

[LJF1985]

Hi lola, thanks for your comments.
I'm literally counting down the seconds until I see her. I just can't wait to explain everything and have it all out there.
I was actually prescribed with Citalopram but after taking it my digestion went crazy so I stopped until I could speak with the psych.
Probably not the best idea as going off how my mind is right now I should really take all the help I can get.
I really need to quell the panic as that is where it all starts so if I can find the box I'm going to start taking them and deal with the stomach problems. If I didn't panic I wouldn't think half the things were a risk at all, I just don't see that at the time.
Hope your efforts are paying off and you're doing well. We'll get there one day.

[lola099]

Good for you for making the appt to see the phyciatrist. That is a very important step in controlling OCD.

You are doing all the right things, it would seem, you are just missing a few pieces to help you better cope with this. The Dr will mot likely prescribe you medication and please ask questions. Do not by shy, educate yourself as to what you will be taking, how it works and what side affects you may experience.

There is always this forum as well to help you out. We all understand what you are going through in a way that others cannot. Personally that is why I love this forum so much. When I am able to offer advice or insight, it helps to calm my OCD as I see other's have the same fears and if I can talk someone through their fears I can do the same for me.

It is important to know the facts, but remember the internet can be a terrible thing. Know that you cannot get HIV through the ways you fear. The chance of a needlestic injury with HIV infected blood is 0.03% that is a small number. With a safety pin... impossible. It is not hollow. Yes it could get blood into your system, I suppose... but it wouldn't cause an infection.

But we are all familar with OCD and the way in which in works, and any perceived risk is a huge one to us. The key is to beat down that risk factor in our mind. It is a battle, but it can be won.

[LJF1985]

Much appreciated. I'll post about how my introductory session goes. Thanks for the time you have sacrificed for me these past couple of weeks with my posts.

[JGF25]

It is never too late and yes, you need a much needed break from all of this because honestly who wouldn't be depressed with this crap going on all the time.  But again...it is not the depression that needs to be treated but rather the OCD.  Keep us informed and nothing but good thoughts from me to you.  

[LJF1985]

Indeed. That's the cycle I got into. I used to test every 3 months after I believed I'd been infected. Not so much these days though as I have an incident pretty much everyday now so I'm constantly pushing my test date back to cover the newer incidents thus resulting in me actually taking the test less frequently. Anyway, I'm rambling on. My proposed plan of action is see the psych in just under 2 weeks. Start some therapy. Begin to realise I'm being stupid. Take a DUO test in around 5 weeks. Hope I'm not infected. Hope the therapy will mean the test is reassurance from the past and can identify that anything new is no risk. Relax. Take a vacation.
Let's see if that pulls off. Hoping and praying that's how it will work out.

[LJF1985]

Very true, great comments. I think somedays I am borderline depressed, when it gets to be so much and I just feel too tired to care about anything. It's not long until I see the psychiatrist so here's hoping and praying that I can get out of this mess and it's not too late. Thanks JGF.

[RainLover71]

See that's just it,we can't test everytime we think we have had an exposure otherwise when will it end--never.I know they have created testing for early detection like the DUO or RNA but that's still not the answer--JGF is right again as usual--it's not the HIV it's the OCD,once we fine tune that it will be easier to understand our condition.Nothing to be ashamed of,we have OCD,we are all working on it & trying to improve ourselves.This community serves as a great learning journey.

[JGF25]

This is what I always tell people and make sure your pdoc agrees....You have been diagnosed with OCD.  That is what needs to be treated because with OCD comes the paranoia and anxiety and depression.  If you don't treat the underlying cause of all of these other things, the OCD, then you are not going to be better.  

If you treat the anxiety, how is that going to make the irrational thoughts go away?  It isn't...so I'm pretty sure the anxiety isn't either.  The trick here is to retrain your brain to think a different way.  That is usually done with CBT.  However, the altering of brain chemistry with medication can go a long way in helping us as well.

[LJF1985]

Thanks RL. I agree with you to some extent on not assuming everyone has HIV, excluding instances such as sex which is just common sense really. I only say some extent because of my fears, I think the vast majority of people would totally agree with you. I do build pictures of folk though. I'm pretty sure I've touched on this before but I'll judge whether or not somebody is a risk based on their appearance. If the judgement is good, I won't assume they have it but if the judgement is bad (based on a 5 second analysis of how they look) I assume they have it and try to protect myself every way possible. I'll walk in the middle of the road if I have to avoid them on the sidewalk.
Your recent risk would have totally freaked me out for a short while, although that wouldn't have been from the sight of the blood or anything but more so from seeing the needle. My mind would think well if there's a needle there on the floor that I can perfectly avoid, there might very well be one somewhere else I can't see. The whole 'I've assessed the risk as having no harm potential so onto the next possibility'. It's good that you received an apology and unfortunately they are correct, we do live with a broken society.
Any how, not to bore you but I've done some extensive reading this morning. Not on HIV but on personality disorders and it's been insightful to say the least.
My paranoia of someone wanting to deliberately infect me may well be a trait of Paranoid Personality Disorder.
My tendencies at work may be traits of Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder.
As we already know and as my GP has already advised, I do have OCD. Something that was obvious anyway based on my compulsions checking the door is locked and so on and so on.
Seems like my therapist may have some work to do here...
The forum is excellent for alleviating anxiety when you read about other peoples concerns. It has shown me some light but because I am reading these other concerns they then become mine, things I've never been worried about before. That's just my way of thinking though, it's not the forums fault. JGF and yourself are great in helping. I've tried to add a few comments of my own to other peoples posts but I just somedays forget to check who's wanting support. In terms of the condition, it's folk like us that can help prevent people getting so far down the line as we've experienced/are experiencing it face on.
I'll stop talking now! Hope you're having a nice day.

[RainLover71]

You can't contract HIV that way anyway,it's not possible.If I don't have HIV from all my exposures then no one will,it's such a difficult virus to contract--once you understand this your OCD won't be so bad.I don't believe when people say you have to assume everyone has HIV and protect yourself but in reality most people don't.Only a very small percentage do if you remove Africa from the equation.Don't feat whats not there.I'm not suggesting going out and having unprotected sex or sharing IV drug works but in any other situation there will never be a risk.I just had an exposure recently at a public hospital where there was HIV+ blood in the toilet bowl and a syringe on the floor but I had to go,I beat my fear & I was never at risk in the first place.How was that blood ever going to get into my system,it wasn't and lets say by some miricle it did it would be inactive and unable to infect.The CEO of the hospital called me to appologize just last night and said these sitautions are unfortunate but do happen from time to time.He went on to say that this is the world we live in and there are plenty of people that have little respect for others and put themselves first.Don't ever be afraid of a situaton that is not a risk.This OCD community is excellent because we have people like JGF who help us to see the light.

[LJF1985]

Hopefully I can get out of it, what I end up going through is just a nightmare. It's never been anywhere near this bad before and is just ridiculous. I try to think my thoughts are just out right mental but then I'm sat there thinking what if they're not. What if somebody had indeed been in my bedroom, totally unnoticed, without a sound, and pretty much impossible in the manner my mind is convincing me. It's pretty much a joke.
Just one question for you if that's ok? Do you know if paranoia is common, or at least associated with OCD or is it a completely separate condition? I'm just paranoid that people WANT to infect me, like my neighbour, and paranoid somebody may have a key for my flat and would come in to infect me.
My first session with the psychiatrist is 9th July, it can't come quick enough. I will indeed let you know how it goes. Thanks for your continued support JG.

[JGF25]

That is the beast that is OCD.  Our minds are like little energizer bunnies.  We hop from one thing to the next after we feel like we have gotten some sort of "closure."  And then low and behold...that thing that we though we were done with is back again.  It is a never ending cycle but it is one that you will be out of soon with the help of the psychiatrist.  When you lay in bed, read a book, do a crossword puzzle.  Anything that will keep your mind occupied until you are tired.  An idle OCD mind is just asking for trouble.  Let us know how the p-doc appointment goes for you.